Why didn't you just adopt?

A question mostly asked in the spirit of sincere curiosity, and in those cases I'm happy to talk about our choices. More commonly, though, the question conveys an implied judgment, an expectation that I should justify myself: Why didn't you do the simple thing I'm sure I'd have done myself?

I'll admit it; I get defensive. I bristle at the suggestion that my reproductive choices are a matter for debate or persuasion. The assumption that adoption never crossed our minds or came into play is not the case...It really is the question, that is examined and re-examined by anyone who's even briefly considered assisted reproduction.

We personally at one time in our journey spent a few years attending adoption information seminars, reading about it, talking to people who had adopted to see if it was for us, joined support groups, did all the research. We had even gotten as far as picking Guatemala as the country of our choice, being you could get a young child, but then requirements changed for adoption in that country closing that door.

One of the biggest factors in our decision was cost. IVF is indeed expensive, and several cycles can be necessary to achieve an ongoing pregnancy. But there are times when IVF may actually make more financial sense than adoption. In our case we have insurance coverage for the majority of IVF costs there is no insurance for a adoption ranging from $10-50,000 our expense, unless we win the lottery or immerse our self into debt this isn't going to happen.

It wasn't just the financial cost we considered, but the savings in time as well.  The reality of adoption is that even under the best of circumstances, it can take years to bring a child home. And there's the possibility of even further delays – a birth mother deciding to parent (I've had this happen to several friends and it was devastating for them not to mention the loss of money with no child to bring home), a country closing international adoption unexpectedly, foster care adoptions falling through when the court changes their minds. IVF can shorten the timeline considerably, a very attractive prospect when yet another year passes without children in your life especially at our age.

While IVF is indeed a challenge, especially for me physically. Adoption brings dealings with full-fledged people with complicated needs: birth families, open or closed, paperwork, having your home invaded, your background scrutinized and then their is the children who may need special attention, or have extra needs or years of bonding. There really is no "just adopt," and we're not all equipped to take the issues on. That doesn't make us unworthy of parenthood, but it can mean that adoption isn't right for us at this time. 

Why not do Foster Care or adopt from the foster system? Most of the "waiting children" in foster care are siblings and/or special needs. Some of these children need years of involvement with professionals for their medical or emotional needs. The average parent would not consider taking on this type of child. It takes special patience to take on children with these needs. I know myself personally being a foster child once in my life, the anger and emotional problems I had was not easy for my Mom to deal with when I went home. I have often thought I don't know if we are strong enough to deal with such issues, not to mention the intrusion in our lives, the records you have to keep, the visits, inspections of your home, kids coming that you bond to then leaving.

"Don't fertile people have the same chance to adopt a child in need? That's a shared obligation, and when infertile people are singled out to bear it while others excuse themselves because conception was easy for them – well, it rankles."

Finally our most powerful reason we choose to do IVF. We have a compelling, persistent desire to create a life, to bear and raise a child knowing that the one reason he/she exists is because our love brought him into being. We wanted to take part in what we think is one of the defining experiences of being a modern-day human: having children because we want to, solely because we love.

Adoption is a good option for some, but not everyone is cut out for what it takes to go through the process, or has the perfect background, or the patience to bond to a child not from your own womb.

One day we may re-visit our options, if circumstances change, but for now IVF is the path we are on. A path we feel good about and I am very thankful to have at least that opportunity to get help and try for a child.