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Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Tuesday
Last week Friday I went to our clinic and got a two shots in the butt. Two shots that brought me to tears realizing it was over. All my happiness and dreams of the past few weeks gone. Sat. morning I did more meds and the mc began. Sunday night I got to see our little cocoon about the size of a large grape come out and say good bye. My heart is crushed by this mc more so than any of the others before. This time we had hope, we got to see him on the screen, got to feel excited. I keep asking God why we really thought this was our miracle.
This week Thurs. is Thanksgiving I keep trying to find things each day to still be thankful for even if they are simple just to keep my mind in a good place and my spirits uplifted. I've started to put together a memory box of the few things we had from this pregnancy and gave baby H a name. It's good to grieve to let it out. I am thankful for the few weeks we had and all the many words of love that have come my way. I pray this mc will be over soon so I can heal physically and emotionally.
I've already started more research into the testing I want to do. I still feel there is something that was missed. I keep thinking if only they would of listened to me last year and done this testing I asked for when my insurance was going to pay for it in full. Right now I found a lab I can do the karotyping for both of us and the RPL panel for a little over $1200. Still a chunk of money to save just for some tests, I so hope doing them will give us answers. I need answers!!
Verse that has helped today:
I am not complaining about having too little. I have learned to be satisfied with whatever I have. I know what it is to be poor or to have plenty, and I have lived under all kinds of conditions. I know what it means to be full or to be hungry, to have too much or too little. Christ gives me the strength to face anything. — Philippians 4:11-13 (CEV)
This week Thurs. is Thanksgiving I keep trying to find things each day to still be thankful for even if they are simple just to keep my mind in a good place and my spirits uplifted. I've started to put together a memory box of the few things we had from this pregnancy and gave baby H a name. It's good to grieve to let it out. I am thankful for the few weeks we had and all the many words of love that have come my way. I pray this mc will be over soon so I can heal physically and emotionally.
I've already started more research into the testing I want to do. I still feel there is something that was missed. I keep thinking if only they would of listened to me last year and done this testing I asked for when my insurance was going to pay for it in full. Right now I found a lab I can do the karotyping for both of us and the RPL panel for a little over $1200. Still a chunk of money to save just for some tests, I so hope doing them will give us answers. I need answers!!
Verse that has helped today:
I am not complaining about having too little. I have learned to be satisfied with whatever I have. I know what it is to be poor or to have plenty, and I have lived under all kinds of conditions. I know what it means to be full or to be hungry, to have too much or too little. Christ gives me the strength to face anything. — Philippians 4:11-13 (CEV)
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
The Day After ....
The JOY of the Lord is my Strength. Never more than today do I believe this!!
As I reflect on the past events of my life I praise God for allowing me the clarity of mind to understand that even in the hard times of life we are not to despair or fall into depression. We have the free-will and power through Jesus name to say no and rebuke the enemy out our minds.
I think of this life here on earth as a test, each trial we go through is a learning experience and how we choose to see the world and react to it in a way determines in the end where we will spend the next life. Will we look through this life with God's eyes or will we let the enemy control our thoughts and emotions. Will we continue to praise and rejoice or wallow in self pity and depression. Will we run the good race or give up in the middle of it. Each day I focus my eyes on the cross, not behind me, not to the side, but ahead. Each bump in that road is another opportunity for the Lord to mold me into his image. Today I praise him for all the bad cause without it why would I need him.
I’ve been through a lot. So, what happens to my praise and thanksgiving when my day is darkened with a multitude of problems? Do I still sing to Him anyway? You bet! When my eyes spill over with the tears of heartache, do I still look to Him and praise Him? Absolutely! When chaos invades my world, do I still claim His peace and praise Him? Yes! For “I will praise the Lord no matter what happens. I will constantly speak of His glories and grace.” (Ps. 34:1 TLB)
I believe God is grieving with me this week. Could God have stepped in and changed things, maybe, but for now it is not my place to question him but to TRUST him! This world, this earthly body is not my home and it is most important I focus on where my heart is, is my attitude Christ like?
I often think about what others see out my life, do they see a believer who is constantly depressed or do they see someone who is filled with love and joy. The most important thing I can do in this life is to be a light for Jesus and reflect his image. That is why when I see so many Christians who constantly complain, always depressed, whine, woe is me. Honestly I don't get them. I've been thru just about every kind of Hell in this lifetime. Not once did it make it better to allow satan to control my mind and emotions. Many forget how to be thankful, forget how blessed they are. We have so much while so many have nothing or yearn for love and family and have none.
Today I will move on, I know I will see our little one again in heaven, I do ask for prayers as later this week I will be going to the Dr. for a shot of medication and some suppositories to start the mc. I have heard it can be very painful and make me sick. So please pray for my physical well being, that everything will pass, no complications and quick physical recovery from this all.
Paul’s statement is now mine, “I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of contentment in every situation, whether it be a full stomach or hunger, plenty or want.” (Phil. 4:12 TLB)
“No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” (1 Thess. 5:18 TLB)
As I reflect on the past events of my life I praise God for allowing me the clarity of mind to understand that even in the hard times of life we are not to despair or fall into depression. We have the free-will and power through Jesus name to say no and rebuke the enemy out our minds.
I think of this life here on earth as a test, each trial we go through is a learning experience and how we choose to see the world and react to it in a way determines in the end where we will spend the next life. Will we look through this life with God's eyes or will we let the enemy control our thoughts and emotions. Will we continue to praise and rejoice or wallow in self pity and depression. Will we run the good race or give up in the middle of it. Each day I focus my eyes on the cross, not behind me, not to the side, but ahead. Each bump in that road is another opportunity for the Lord to mold me into his image. Today I praise him for all the bad cause without it why would I need him.
I’ve been through a lot. So, what happens to my praise and thanksgiving when my day is darkened with a multitude of problems? Do I still sing to Him anyway? You bet! When my eyes spill over with the tears of heartache, do I still look to Him and praise Him? Absolutely! When chaos invades my world, do I still claim His peace and praise Him? Yes! For “I will praise the Lord no matter what happens. I will constantly speak of His glories and grace.” (Ps. 34:1 TLB)
I believe God is grieving with me this week. Could God have stepped in and changed things, maybe, but for now it is not my place to question him but to TRUST him! This world, this earthly body is not my home and it is most important I focus on where my heart is, is my attitude Christ like?
I often think about what others see out my life, do they see a believer who is constantly depressed or do they see someone who is filled with love and joy. The most important thing I can do in this life is to be a light for Jesus and reflect his image. That is why when I see so many Christians who constantly complain, always depressed, whine, woe is me. Honestly I don't get them. I've been thru just about every kind of Hell in this lifetime. Not once did it make it better to allow satan to control my mind and emotions. Many forget how to be thankful, forget how blessed they are. We have so much while so many have nothing or yearn for love and family and have none.
Today I will move on, I know I will see our little one again in heaven, I do ask for prayers as later this week I will be going to the Dr. for a shot of medication and some suppositories to start the mc. I have heard it can be very painful and make me sick. So please pray for my physical well being, that everything will pass, no complications and quick physical recovery from this all.
Paul’s statement is now mine, “I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of contentment in every situation, whether it be a full stomach or hunger, plenty or want.” (Phil. 4:12 TLB)
“No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” (1 Thess. 5:18 TLB)
Monday, November 12, 2012
Saying Goodbye to Baby Hubbard
It's with a heavy heart I have to take a moment to share with you all that Oct. 21st 2012 Scott and I had the best moment of our lives and experienced after 10yrs of IF a natural pregnancy. Two lines on a pregnancy test something we had never seen even when we did IVF and where told by a beta we where preg. We had not been doing any treatments this year and where so happy that God saw to bless us in this way. We thought this was our miracle a Christmas blessing.
All was well at 5wks good beta and progesterone numbers and u/s showed one healthy bean.
Today we had our 7wk u/s and found out that baby hubbard died at 6wks. This was the farthest I have ever gotten in a pregnancy. We are pretty devastated and have not even shared with family we where pregnant as we had wanted to wait for a Christmas surprise.
I have not mc yet we are praying it happens quickly and soon. This is the 4th angel baby we now have waiting for us in heaven.
Thank you all for your prayers. We will keep on fighting IF we still will continue saving and fundraising for testing to find out why I mc and for a future FET. Our goal continues to be to raise the $6800 we need to continue treatment. If you feel led to help I have a fundraising page with items I make and sell at the link above in my blog.
God still has a plan and we will continue to Believe!!!! I still believe it is God's will for us to parents in this life or the next.
Family please understand that I don't know if I will be up emotionally to celebrating any holidays this year. Does not mean I don't care for you all but I need time and space.
Friends thanks for your continued support. I know nothing right now will heal this pain in my heart but time.
Goodby Baby Hubbard: For a few brief weeks I felt you grow, you made me feel like puking lol, I prayed for your future, you gave me hope. I will never get to hold you to see your smile and hold your hand as you grow. My heart hurts. I don't know why God has taken you home too soon. Hug your siblings for me and I pray we will meet up in heaven and be a family there.
All was well at 5wks good beta and progesterone numbers and u/s showed one healthy bean.
Today we had our 7wk u/s and found out that baby hubbard died at 6wks. This was the farthest I have ever gotten in a pregnancy. We are pretty devastated and have not even shared with family we where pregnant as we had wanted to wait for a Christmas surprise.
I have not mc yet we are praying it happens quickly and soon. This is the 4th angel baby we now have waiting for us in heaven.
Thank you all for your prayers. We will keep on fighting IF we still will continue saving and fundraising for testing to find out why I mc and for a future FET. Our goal continues to be to raise the $6800 we need to continue treatment. If you feel led to help I have a fundraising page with items I make and sell at the link above in my blog.
God still has a plan and we will continue to Believe!!!! I still believe it is God's will for us to parents in this life or the next.
Family please understand that I don't know if I will be up emotionally to celebrating any holidays this year. Does not mean I don't care for you all but I need time and space.
Friends thanks for your continued support. I know nothing right now will heal this pain in my heart but time.
Goodby Baby Hubbard: For a few brief weeks I felt you grow, you made me feel like puking lol, I prayed for your future, you gave me hope. I will never get to hold you to see your smile and hold your hand as you grow. My heart hurts. I don't know why God has taken you home too soon. Hug your siblings for me and I pray we will meet up in heaven and be a family there.
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