POEMS

Found these wonderful poem today that sums up a lot of what I feel ... 

 

 

 A MOM WANNABE

I want to be a mom. But I can't. Instead, I'm a mom wannabe. I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I can't.

Instead, I suspect a doctor and a laboratory will try to assist God with our conception while my husband watches from the other side of the room. I want to have sore breasts and be totally exhausted, then discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see a second line. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discover. I want to surprise my husband with the news that he is going to be a daddy. I want to see the look on his face. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain every month when it doesn't happen and I cry to my husband, "Why??" and I apologize for being defective, because he is fine.

I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the 'pregnant glow.' I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. I want to take pre-natal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't.

Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving and if they are taking that little miracle for granted. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met. I want to hear the Doctor say, "You're pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't.

Instead, I hear my well-meaning friends say "just relax." Wow! If I had known anxiety was an effective form of birth control, I'd have tried it years ago! I wanted to surprise my parents with a new grandchild; instead I burdened them with the news that we are having problems conceiving. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I can't. Instead, I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden.

I want to wear maternity clothes and rub my belly (but not too much because it annoys the heck out of me when pregnant women do that continuously!) I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want stretch marks. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. I want to be measured. But I can't.

Instead, I give blood, get poked and prodded and have surgery. I pray for my eggs to grow and pray they fertilize. I take my temperature and try to interpret every little rise and dip, and how it compares with my temperature pattern last month. I examine every bodily secretion that comes out of my body, hoping and praying for spotting at just the right times, and no spotting at others. I take supplements. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse.

I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. But I can't.

Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall. I want to be the one to excuse myself to go nurse my baby. Instead, I'm the one stuck at the table with all the husbands. I want to use a car seat. I want to pump. I want to have my baby throw up all over me. I want to change dirty diapers. I want to give baths. I want to watch my husband hold our baby from across the room. But I can't.

Instead, I watch him with our niece and love the way he loves her, but get my heart broken each time I see it. I want to see him love OUR baby. I want to tell my friends about how my baby learned to roll over, or say da-da, or how he took his diaper off and threw it across the room. I want to buy my baby new shoes. But I can't.

Instead, we will spend our money on doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We will spend our money on a dream. We may be left with an empty bank account. We may be left with empty arms. I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes. I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't.

Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined. I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want the nurses to take a picture of us when our baby is only minutes old. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking, "We did it!", but knowing that God did it. But I can't.

Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this. I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us. I want to be a mom. --- But I can't. Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status from a mom wannabe . . . to the mom I want to be.

Written by Alison Kathleen Whitney 

LONGING --

There was a time when I gave it to God,
Like so many times before.
I sometimes wonder what God really has planned
For me and when He'll tell me.
When will it be my turn?
When will I be able to celebrate?
When will I be blessed?
There is a longing in my heart.
A desire so intense that my heart wants
To leap out of my chest.
A deisre so intense that I can feel
The pain of a broken heart
Every minute of every day.
God will provide.
Why would God put a desire this great
Into my heart and not fulfill it.
He is a God of love and understanding,
Grace and Mercy.
He will wait until the time is right.
When is it my time?
I will wait with great expectations until
That special moment in time
When God says it is my time.

~Author Unknown









Pink Or Blue

God, pink or blue, I do not care
Its sex is neither here nor there.
I pray you see my longing heart,
And in motherhood, let me take part.

I ask this out of selfishness,
But pray you grant it none the less.
I will do my best to raise them right,
To ignite in them Your holy light.

And if it not be, Comfort me please.
Mend my heart and give me peace.
And help me to see and understand,
Your will is much greater than what I had planned.

Written By Susan Reardon



 
Questions

I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, “Not today”.
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?

~Written By Susan Reardon

Don't let them get too close -
Too close to see my pain.
Because if they look real close,
They will see the tears that fall like rain.
The room is picked,
And baby's things collected.
But, inside that empty room,
Something needs corrected.
Because there's a crib and a cradle -
There are baby toys and clothes too.
But, there is not a baby -
No baby to fill this womb.
I cannot stop the crying,
And my pain won't subside.
I'm lost for ways of trying;
I've run out of places to hide.
The holidays they come and go -
All the years that I look back.
And now I find the future's grim
When I look at what I lack.
I try to hang onto hope -
I try to wait and see.
But sometimes it's hard to cope
When I think it may never be.
I'm not the only one that finds it hard -
Sometimes I wish I were.
But, it's the hurt I see in his eyes
That digs in like a spur.
So tell me where to go from here -
Please tell me where to go.
Things just seem so unclear,
And it has challenged all I know.
It has tested and confused me.
It has brought me to my knees.
And now it's too hard to see
Just what you need from me.
Is it something I am doing wrong?
Is there something I can do?
You see, I've been waiting for so long,
And I've been crying out to you.
Please don't let this be a barren place-
In this place where my child should be.
Let me see your loving grace.
Please bring my child to me.
Rock-a-bye baby...
I hold you so dear.
Even if it's only in my heart
That I'm holding you near.

Written By L.D. "Daviso"

Infertility

As the time gets near
you prayed it would disappear
please, just one time
a healthy baby that is mine
cant you give
a big fat positive

Make it a girl or boy
either one would bring me joy
could it be that i may
live without another cliche'
"it will happen when it does"
"why make such a big fuss"

Only the ones with infertility
understand what it's like to be me
is it my husband or I
the thought causes me to cry
with the one question...Why?
To see little fingers and Toes
and a cute button nose

so many tears have been shed
lying at night in bed
wondering how it would be
to have a baby inside of me

someone pregnant will walk by
I try so hard not to cry
Why her, Why not me?
I think of every possibility
For my Infertility
I try to keep hope
thats the only way i can cope
my heart continues to break
every negative causes it to ache

Maybe one day i will see
A precious baby staring back at me
Love it with all my heart
and promise to never part
God i hope you guide me thru this
For that is my only wish
I deserve the chance to be a mom
to sing my baby a song
Take a look at me
For i am the face of INFERTILITY!!