IVF Cycle Three - 1st Beta

It's been a hard long day. Beta test was this morning 9am. I am 10DP5DT so still early on yet. My husband drove me to the clinic and we spent some time talking had breakfast after. I had a gut feeling it be positive but low again and I was right. Call came in around 12:30 from the nurse. Beta is 23 (hCG between 5-25 mIU/ml: "Equivocal". Maybe pregnant maybe not. Repeat test in a couple of days). A positive result but low.

Now we wait and repeat hcg on Monday. The only hope I have this time is unlike cycle 1 (which has been similar to this one) I have not had sharp painful cramps, and heavy bleeding with clots and stuff. I did have a little blood on the toilet paper when I wiped tonight again and been feeling sick, headache, mild cramps, twinges, hot flashes, night sweats. I am so aware that something is going on in my uterus, it just feels different especially on the left side which I guess is where it implanted. This is all so hard. If we can get through the next 5 days with no bleeding and get good numbers on Monday we maybe ok. Only time will tell.

I spent some time bawling, then praying with fervor today for God to not let this one die too. The hardest part was knowing my husband is so down and out over this all too, he try's not to tell me but it is written all over him. It hurts, I feel I am letting him down again. I know that is not the truth but it's so hard not to feel that way, less than a woman.

I sent a e-mail to the Dr. to tell him about my white blood cell count being elevated (had a C-Reactive Protien Test on Friday got the results in this morning) and could I once again be attacking the embryo and is predisone enough or is there anything else we can do to keep it there this time. He just said he THINKS we are doing all we can by me taking the predisone and the progesterone should help too. I've read of other things that can be done so I just don't know anymore and he isn't sounding to confident he knows. I wish I could of done this before transfer maybe things be better if we had. Enhance IVF Success Rate, Reduce Miscarriage By Intralipid Treatment  As it is I am going to increase my Omega 3's, and take more UltraInflamX Plus 360 protien powder to do what I can to get those inflamation levels down next few days.


Please pray with and for us, for this little embryo to make it this time, grow, be great numbers on Monday (be ideal to see them in the hundreds). I am unsure how I will cope emotionally if we have to deal with another loss. In this all I want God to be glorified, to know he hears and answers prayers, to see him work in a mighty way in this situation.

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16

I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

Walk in My Shoes

Relax, relax, don’t obsess, that’s all they ever say.
Many days I wish the thoughts of baby would just go away.
Once you start trying to conceive and the wheels begin to roll,
It is very difficult to move on with life and to keep complete control.

Every month a rollercoaster of emotions and despair,
I just wish that the problems would vanish in thin air.
The thoughts I have, the feelings too, won’t they ease up some?
Will the day I feel a baby kick and the joy it will bring ever come?

Those who try to help me just say that I obsess.
Don’t they know that until I see two lines I’ll be just a mess?
They make me feel abnormal, like I’m spinning out of control.
Everyone in my shoes knows how this takes its toll.

I cannot continue to let everyone act as if I am insane.
The thoughts I have, the way I feel, I have a right to complain.
Why does my body fail me, with its cruel and relentless ridicule?
My patience is wearing thin and leaves me feeling like a fool.

I wish for them not to judge, I do not want to feel this way.
I have the ache in my arms and heart each and every day.
Not having a baby is not an option; to me it’s like not having an arm.
Do they not understand that what they say does no good but harm?

I would have a baby now if my course in life I could choose.
Let them walk just one day in an infertile woman’s shoes.
Let them have the feelings that I live with and endure.
They would surely understand the plight that I can’t ignore.

Please Lord let them all understand that this is all I pray.
For every ache and pain a mother goes through every day.
I will take the sickness and all that comes with birth.
The end result would well be worth it and my heart would be filled with mirth.

So I end this with the same prayer that I have always in my heart.
I want the longing for a child to end and motherhood to start.
Please hear my prayer, oh Lord, today so my life can begin again.
Bless me with a little child that you send straight from Your Kingdom, Heaven