IVF Cycle Three - Chemical/Miscarriage

It's with a heavy heart I write this post. Today started out with much anticipation and wonder at a new life growing in me, excited husband, hopeful begining of a miracle. It ended with news that once again our little baby did not make it. My blood results showed another mc. I am saddened, grieved, beyond words, feel like I am stuck in the worse dream possible. There was no signs that anything was wrong this time. I did start to feel ill this morning on the way to the clinic and that has not gone away either from stress or the start of the mc happening. I know the next few days will be difficult to go through physically.

It so sucks that what I had feared the most once again happened. I know now that there is defently something else wrong the Dr.'s have not picked up on yet. After going through this again I think I have had other mc in the past nine years that went undescovered cause I thought it was just a bad period. I am pretty sure my body is killing off the embryo's. Even though we have 7 frosties, if we can't find a way to fix this problem in me I don't know if we can do a FET. Plus we are flat out broke, a year of IF treatments has left us without any to spare to even do testing to find out what is wrong. It's back to saving our pennies.

This time I had thought for sure it had worked. I even dared to bring out the baby book last night I had bought so many years ago. I hate it that the enemy won again and I am left to wonder why with so many praying for us did God not step in to defeat him. Now I am left with nothing but my sorrow, tears, and empty breaking heart. Breaking for my husbands pain when I look in his eyes today, for feelings of being less of a woman, wife, for my babies that I will never hold, for peoples unkind words who continue to judge us every step of the way and have no understanding what it has been like to deal with the disease of infertility.

I pray for each and every one of you dealing with IF that you never have to go through the pain I have had to endure, that you will have your blessing and be able to feel joy. As for me it looks as if my journey has come to a halted end for now. I hope to take some time to grieve, heal and from there I just don't know. All I ever wanted to be is a Mom and though many don't understand that and have looked down on me for not having a career or other wordly pursuits it's what I dreamed, to teach, to mold a young life, a piece of me a piece of the one I love and my heart may never heal from the loss of never being able to experience this.