Thanksgiving Loss

Getting ready for my tonsil surgery past week. Wasn't feeling the best and noticed I was late and some symptoms. Took a pregnancy test negative, waited another two days and took another saw a faint second line. Called my RE did a blood test day before thanksgiving. Beta of a 29. Very low for what should of been around 5-6weeks so I knew that it probably not last so I didn't get excited. By Friday morning I had some bleeding and the beta that day came back at 11. Another chemical pregnancy. I have a feeling my body attacked the embryo which is why I was so sick for a few days and rejected it again. I don't think I ever will have success. Think this is about the end for us. This is mc 5 that I know of. Good chance I would not of even known this time around other then I recognized the symptoms, otherwise life would of gone on and I would of just though my period was late, never knowing I was really pregnant then not. :(

Delay...

Monday I had my ENT Specialist Apt. Had a camera put down my nose was real fun. The Dr. said my tonsils are very big, the right one especially, he recommends taking them out. I also have a deviated septum in my nose. He is going to do a CT scan of my head sinus's and take a look at the whole picture see if there is anything else that he can do or fix while I have surgery to do my tonsils. So after that happens we will plan out the surgery date. 

I guess as a adult the recover from tonsils is harder more painful takes about a month. He said most patients lose some weight cause your on cold or soft foods. The biggest risk is bleeding as your tonsils have a ton of tiny blood vessels. I picked a good Dr. as he is one of the few in WI that does adult surgeries on tonsils. But he said after recovery all the swallow and pain in my throat issues and even being able to breathe better if we do my nose will go away. 

The bad part is I don't know if I can do my FET now this year. Depends on when surgery happens and how soon I recover. Have to be at least two weeks out so I am off all pain meds and out of the risk of bleeding so I can do blood thinner shots with the FET. 

I'm pretty down feeling a little depressed and scared to do surgery the pain of it all and down cause I wanted this last chance to be a mom but I know I have to feel better do the tonsils that is more important. Been kinda quiet and withdrawn right now, I know it's not good but this time of the year is so hard on me it's when I had all my MC too. 

If I don't do my FET this year I don't think it will happen as financially coming up with the money next year to reach our insurance out of pocket would be almost impossible. It's really frustrating that I don't have more time this year to deal with this all.

November 5th is my CT Scan then from the results we set up surgery, tonsils come out, maybe do my deviated septum and sinus too at same time depending on the CT results. Then a month of recovery. 
November 6th I see a new Hemotologist for my blood clotting disorder. I had that set up to go over Lovenox monitoring during my FET which now looks to be on hold but I'm still going to find out long term effects of having the two clotting issues. 

Just praying that things go quickly then maybe we can do the FET we planned for November in December and get that one last chance in. Not sure how to stay positive I'll ever be a mom but I'm not seeing any light at the end of this long long journey. 

What about infertility scares you the most?

When I first started this journey I had many fears, fears of never being a mom, fears that my husband would be disappointed in me etc. As time went on I was scared to mc again and now I am dealing with being older and fears of doing one last try and wondering if this is what I want now at this time after feeling peaceful without, like opening a can of emotional worms all over again.

Final FET Attempt update

Had our consult on Friday with my RE for our final FET. The plan is to go as natural as possible, follow my cycle, do a trigger then transfer. Not wanting to do bc, lupron etc. We may skip estrogen too and just do progesterone shots.

I am down to 189 lost 40lbs so maybe that will help some who knows. It's really at this point a crap shoot in my mind being this is our 8th attempt at transfer.

But before I can do that I have to get in to a new hemotologist for my blood clotting disorder as I will have to be on lovenox shots again and my family Dr. physical visit showed my tonsils are more swollen then ever so a visit to a ear, nose and throat Dr. to see if it's time to finally remove them.

So still a few things to go yet and if we do this FET has to be completed by end of the year in order for insurance to pay for it. Still mixed feelings about doing one last try and being older parents but we don't want to waste our embryo's either. Continuing to pray about it all. Little nervous if my tonsils have to come out. Everything else like my thyroid and stuff all check out great to go.

UPDATE

Thought I'd share a little update as I have not written in here for awhile ...
Just found out my husband needs hernia surgery has two of them and will be out of work again for a month. So arranging for that and how we will deal as he just has surgery last year. Then our furnace is on the blitz think it's maybe the fan on it have someone coming to look at it Tues. So tons of stuff we are not prepared to deal with financially so a little stressed. The only good out of it all is we should meet our out of pocket max with this surgery and if I can work it in yet this year I can do our last FET with our 2 frozen and get it paid in full. Trying to look at that little bright light lol. I don't have a ton of hope it will work but there is a little glimmer it might. Be our last try as I don't think after 12 yrs me going on 41 and already going through all I have including 4 full fresh IVF and 2 Frozen if I want to do anymore. It has all taken a toll on my body over time not to mention my emotions. I am so nervous to do one last try. So please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. Thanks :)

CD1 - Natural Cycle #5

AF arrived again. Seems like it will never happen for us. Each time a cycle fails it's grieving all over again, it's been so hard with no happy ending in site. This time I feel so angry about it all. I am sure once AF is over I'll be ok but I have to take a few days to get it all out. All we can do is try again.

Cd3-7 Femara 7.5mg
CD7-11 Follistim 100mg
10mg predisone
Cd5Lovenox shots
Estradiol
Crinone after O

CD1 - Natural Cycle #4

Another month another BFN. Even though we did no meds last month was still hopeful maybe it work. One good thing is my cycle was on track around 29 days between as in the past it was much longer so I am more regular now. Hate AF it's just another reminder of another failed cycle and no pregnancy again. Will be doing femara though this month and give it another go. Still don't have enough saved for a last FET which sucks, just wish we could get back to a RE. Oh well guess we keep trying and praying.

CD1 - Natural Cycle #3

CD1 - on to another cycle. Month 3 of ttc on our own. Decided to take a break this month from the femara and then go for it next month with femara/follistim combo. Just want to get enough saved to get one last FET with our two frozen but feeling hopeless it will ever happen.

CD 1- Natural Cycle #2

CD1 - Started to get a tiny bit of hope that just maybe our ttc on our own had worked again. Was on CD36 and was going to test if I got to CD40 but I started spotting and cramping this afternoon so AF is here. :(

Will see about trying one more month on meds yet. 

"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."

2/18 - CD3 started in on 7.5mg of femara again tonight for 5 days. Giving it another go. :) Plan to start in on O strips a little earlier this time than CD11 keep track of when I O better.  

3/20 - BFN on to a new cycle

CD1 - Natural Cycle #1

AF decided to show up late last night with it brought the finalization that things did not work again and I am still infertile. I think I have had to take time to grieve this loss right now been in such a fog this past week it's been hard to function and continue life as normal.

My dh and I been talking a lot on what to do going forward think we have decided to give it a try on our own again this month. Take some Femara 7.5mg on days 3-10 again and BD use pre-seed etc and just see. Figure I still have the intralipids in my system and can stay on 10mg of predisone.

The biggest concern is my PAI-1 levels are high and my RI wants me to stay on blood thinner shots till they come down. In the past failed cycles they just had me stop them but this time they said stay on them. I asked for a explanation on why but have yet to get one as I am concerned what this means for my health long term if I will have to always be monitored for this clotting disorder and make sure the numbers are normal or be on blood thinner shots. I may have to go in and talk to my family Dr. if my RI does not answer those questions.

I am sure once AF is over and I've had this time to grieve and cry and get it all out I can move on. Am trying my best to remain hopeful that God still has a plan somewhere for us to be parents somehow.

1/17 - Day 4 of 7.5 mg of femara. Other than a few headaches I have not noticed any side effects. Still on 10mg of predisone and doing lovenox each day. Will be testing my PAI-1 again next week to see if levels are going down.

My husband had to go back to work today. We where not planning on this as he is still on restrictions from his shoulder surgery but I guess his managers think there is things he can do at work. Makes it harder for him to keep up with his PT and recovery not to mention gas money now to go back and forth to work when he still will only be getting 40hrs till he is off all restrictions. All he is doing is paperwork for next week. Doesn't make sense to us why they just did not extend his disability and keep him off for another 4 weeks. Hopefully he won't be too tired out to BD this month. We also had to delay the foster care meeting till March with him going back to work now.

Life still seems to be standing still, doing my best to keep busy. Been working on our tax stuff getting medical bills all together hard to believe what we spent last year and all the miles but still empty arms.

1/23 - CD12 FX that maybe something good will happen this month, been doing ovulation strips and it's been years since I've done them and past two days they have had two lines so not sure if the OS are working for me will keep taking them next few days and see, Got busy just in case guess all we can do is try and pray and see if God will listen.


1/26 - Well it's on to the 2WW so to say. Not feeling to good on our chances this month as my husband got sick and was not up to BDing more than once on O day. Was frustrated about it all but nothing I could do. Just is our bad luck that we've both been really healthy then he gets sick now when it was time to try. I think we argued more about this than anything last year doing treatments. Told him just put it in a cup at least I can bast it in myself. I know it was bad, he's sick and I am not feeling much better and I should be more understanding but it was hard to be when we finally had two lines on the O stick and I took medication etc. Can't ttc on my own.

Today was not a good day either. I found out my 15yr old Goddaughter has gone missing. She went to school last Thursday and never came home. They think she ran away as her makeup and stuff was gone. I guess she has been having some serious issues with skipping school and tried to shoplift. She used to be such a good kid but all kinds of stuff happened with her family and her mom going to jail that is so messed her up now. Tried to be there for her but going through all this infertility and Dr. stuff I was so wiped out myself emotionally and physically I had nothing left. I am so upset she is missing as she is like our daughter and knowing she is out there who knows where with who knows who is causing me so much stress. Praying so hard she returns and we can somehow help her.

Life has not been much easier on me, emotionally I feel myself slipping in a hole of darkness and hibernating most days just hiding in a book and reading and hoping I would wake up and it be a bad dream and we really are pregnant and the nursery is really not empty. This is harder then I ever imagined it, I know there is others who's dreams have ended too but I always thought God would pull out a miracle for us. I keep praying He will show us what to do now and feel like I don't have any answers. 

BFN! 

Moving On ...

So there is a foster to adopt meeting on Jan 23rd that we think we are going to register for - Scott is going to go into work and put in for that day off work in case he goes back by then (he's been off recovering from shoulder surgery) as it's a morning meeting and it's in Appleton WI which is at least a hour and half from us drive. Talked and we at least want to see if it's anything we could do foster adopt but we do know it have to be a child without sever disabilities and pretty normal as it be too much to care for a child with issues so I don't know if foster to adopt is anything for us or not but at least if we go to the meeting we would find out.

I know we have went to many adoption meetings at agencies in the past and we know that it is impossible for us to adopt that way as it can be 10 to 30k to adopt and that not be something we can come up with. Foster Adopt is low cost or free it be a older child or sibling group. Guess all we can do is go to the meeting and see if it's anything for us or not. 

Other than that I've been wracking my brain on how we could save the money needed to do one final FET with our 2 frozen or go to a new clinic and do another fresh IVF. I say new cause I am not happy with how our old clinic stimmed me this last time and I feel they could of done better to have gotten more mature eggs.  Only issue is time is not on my side being 40 now it have to be done this year and as soon as possible. We still have some of our lifetime coverage left with our insurance but we would have to come up with the first $6800 again not easy to do at all. Started listed anything I can for sale but not getting any hits on any of it. Still saving in our HSA but most will go to my dh recover from his shoulder surgery as he is still doing PT and out of work yet.

Our only other options is to keep trying on our own but in 11 yrs we only got preg on our own twice and then mc so the hope that would work is slim. I got some leftover femara though sitting here that we can try this next month after AF comes. With the meds still in my system from this last IVF maybe a chance. At least this time I know if it does work to call my RI and start blood thinners immediately.

I'd like not to think we will never be parents but it's hitting us hard that this is the reality we are now facing. Not going to give up though going to do everything we can to keep trying. I don't believe this is the end of our story!

If anyone wants to help us out we have our fundraiser page located at this link  40% of what is sold goes to our IVF fund. 

Also still selling encouraging items on my Hoping Believing Waiting site.

IVF#4 BFN

Didn't want to go do my beta yesterday as we now have to start paying for everything being a new year but my dh thought it be good to make sure as I've had a few chemicals that did not show up till blood work. RE called this morning with the news it was negative, I already knew it was going to be but hearing it was the final blow. Broke down in tears this morning. I had worried about mc again doing our cycles last year and didn't think I'd have to worry that we would never get pregnant again not even have a chance to keep a pregnancy this time. I had really thought with the help of the RI my body was going to work. Everything looked so good this last time, I know my embryo's where not top notch but they where a lot better then some and many go on to get preg with one's not even as good. Mad at myself that I didn't transfer more than 3 maybe that would of made a difference. Mad at my body for refusing to work right, Mad at God for not healing me and allowing life to happen.

I keep asking God WHY? I don't want to hear people's answers of well because, or it's God's will etc. that does not help and makes me lose my faith even more. I do wonder if God really is as actively involved in our lives as people tell you He is or if He is more hands off and just lets things happen. I don't know anymore all I do know is the feeling of devastation we both feel right now. Seeing your husband cry cause he feels the same pain and knowing it's your fault you could not get pregnant does not help one feel any better. (not that my dh blames me at all, it's me though that has the infertility issue so I feel responsible)

I wish finances was not a issue for us and we could pick up and go to a new clinic and try again. Being 40 now time is not on my side and we'd have to do it now but we put everything we had into our try's and testing this past year. I am trying what I can to sell some items to raise funds but it's not going to well. Out of ideas, out of time, out of hope at this point. :(

IVF#4 7DP5DT

Had a bad night, not been feeling well upset tummy from acid reflux and wondering if my elevated wbc is causing issues too. Did pregnancy test this morning as by now if things had worked I should get a positive. Well it was negative, 1 line punch to the gut to just emphasize I am broken, that I will never be a mom, that it didn't matter how many shots, meds, procedures, money etc. my body is not going to be healed and made whole. My embryo's are lost once again never implanted, never made it, dead. Dead just like how I feel inside. Infertility is one cruel disease it's taken everything from me.


We spend a lot of time
trying to
dance in the rain,
sing in the rain,
smile in the rain...
but sometimes we just need
to let the rain fall
and feel it on our skin.

I sure want to know God how these promises below from your word that I kept close to my heart are true cause I don't see them. I've asked, I've pleaded, I've done all the medical stuff I can do on my part and nothing but mc, failed implantation, over 11 years of torture and sadness, if these verses are true then were where you God?...We had so many people pray for us and tell us that God wanted us to have a child, they told us thing like we would have one around Christmas or conceive around that time, that they saw a baby in my uterus, that I just needed to claim the word etc. Why did you give these people words when it was untrue. How can I even go on having faith? You knew that we could not adopt we have no finances to do so that this was our only option why did you not use it to bless us?

Jesus said, “Keep asking, and God will give you your heart’s desire. Keep searching, and He will reveal Himself to you. Keep knocking, and God will throw His door wide open to you.” ~Matthew 7:7 (Randy Reed Paraphrased Version)

Lord, I beg You, hear my prayers; but more than that, listen to the groanings of my heart—my unspoken sadness. In the din of my distress I cry out to my King, “I need Your help, God!” The first thing every morning, I lay out the broken pieces of my life before You; then I wait for You to speak to my heart, Lord. ~Psalm 5:1-3

Psalm 130:5 - I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I hope.

"Commit your work to the Lord, and then your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. Habakkuk 2:3   

For I know the plans I have for you', declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 

I told my dh that I feel like he should of married someone else not some barren broken woman who can't conceive. In most cultures I'd be thrown away by now worthless. Being a mom is all I ever wanted since I was a child myself, to teach a young life, to snuggle a precious baby, to grow old and see the next generation but now I will be alone someday and there really is no purpose to me being here. I've never succeed at anything in this life, I've given many things a good effort but nothing has ever worked in my favor to be something of any purpose of being alive. My dh says I have to care for, that thought doesn't help me, to just have housework to look forward to every day ya that helps me. I guess it's over now unless by some miracle we win the lottery to afford to do one last FET with our two frozen but I know that is not going to happen. I've already borrowed, sold off, saved and spend everything we had on this last year's efforts. I don't know how to move on I don't know if I can. My dh said it best today, we don't need a break from ttc we needed a baby! 

IVF#4 6DP5DT

How is my day? NUMB that about sums it up. I feel numb, I am numb. My hope that anything happened this time is gone. I've had no real signs, I feel normal. All I've been through to just get another bfn. I don't know why I even tried. I don't know how to go on .... we have nothing to put towards another try and age is not on my side anymore. Life is one cruel joke.

IVF#4 5DP5DT

My message from Dr. Kwak-Kim office today ...
"Results from 12/19 show PAI-1 level at greater than 200 (target range 4-43). This could be an affect of the intralipids. Continue with lovenox twice daily. Increase Metformin to 2000mg daily. To do this, increase dose to 1500mg for 3 days and if tolerating increase to 2000mg. Repeat PAI-1 levels in 2 weeks. Results from 12/30 are as follows: Thyroid function is all normal. CBC is showing your WBC is increased futher to 22.6 - Are you taking neupogen?"

They make me confused cause they know I am already on 2,000mg of metformin have been for several years and I have no idea what neupogen is it's not a drug I am on. They have my list of current medications so it's just frustrating they would tell me to up something etc. makes me feel like they didn't even know my chart. So now I am concerned that something is wrong. They want me to repeat it all in 2 weeks and do a urine culture but I told them only if I get a positive pregnancy test otherwise we are done for now and I'll just be weaning off meds and paying for more labs is just getting too much for us.

Not feeling too positive today struggling to think that things will work out in our favor. Our due date if this one works would be Sept. 16, 2014. Close to our 13th wedding anniversary.



How much longer will you forget me, LORD? Forever? How much longer will you hide yourself from me? How long must I endure trouble? How long will sorrow fill my heart day and night? How long will my enemies triumph over me? Look at me, O LORD my God, and answer me. Restore my strength; don't let me die. -Psalm 13:1-3

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Jesus (Mat 11:28)

IVF#4 4DP5DT

Not much new to report. Extreme tiredness today but I know from the past it could just be all the hormone supplements they have me taking messing with me. Spent most of the day sleeping and resting was nice to have a down day with nothing that had to get done or no where we had to be at. It's also really cold here in WI so I was glad to stay inside.

Devotions during the wait:

The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking Him in spite of trials, and trusting Him in the midst of it all!

Some scriptures from a friend - made me reflect to not lose heart. 
Galatians 6:9 
Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.
1 Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.
Hebrews 12:2-3
fixing our eyes on Jesus, the [b]author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary [c]and lose heart. 

IVF#4 3DP5DT (New Years Day)

Our New Years Day consisted of our annual family get-together. Was a great day we got asked to be godparents again to the newest addition Laila Marie. We are very happy to have another Godkid to spoil. It helps fill the emptiness but still makes us yearn for one of our own even more. The wait is hard especially when you are keeping it to yourself this time. All I can do is continue to pray! 

 

Our godkids photo from today - Me, Baby Laila, James, Rachel, Colleen and my husband Scott

Our godkids - Colleen, Rachel, baby Laila, James

My Family, Nephew Elisha, Brother Tim, Scott, Me, My Mom Christine, My Aunt Maxine