IVF#4 BFN

Didn't want to go do my beta yesterday as we now have to start paying for everything being a new year but my dh thought it be good to make sure as I've had a few chemicals that did not show up till blood work. RE called this morning with the news it was negative, I already knew it was going to be but hearing it was the final blow. Broke down in tears this morning. I had worried about mc again doing our cycles last year and didn't think I'd have to worry that we would never get pregnant again not even have a chance to keep a pregnancy this time. I had really thought with the help of the RI my body was going to work. Everything looked so good this last time, I know my embryo's where not top notch but they where a lot better then some and many go on to get preg with one's not even as good. Mad at myself that I didn't transfer more than 3 maybe that would of made a difference. Mad at my body for refusing to work right, Mad at God for not healing me and allowing life to happen.

I keep asking God WHY? I don't want to hear people's answers of well because, or it's God's will etc. that does not help and makes me lose my faith even more. I do wonder if God really is as actively involved in our lives as people tell you He is or if He is more hands off and just lets things happen. I don't know anymore all I do know is the feeling of devastation we both feel right now. Seeing your husband cry cause he feels the same pain and knowing it's your fault you could not get pregnant does not help one feel any better. (not that my dh blames me at all, it's me though that has the infertility issue so I feel responsible)

I wish finances was not a issue for us and we could pick up and go to a new clinic and try again. Being 40 now time is not on my side and we'd have to do it now but we put everything we had into our try's and testing this past year. I am trying what I can to sell some items to raise funds but it's not going to well. Out of ideas, out of time, out of hope at this point. :(