CD1 - Natural Cycle #1

AF decided to show up late last night with it brought the finalization that things did not work again and I am still infertile. I think I have had to take time to grieve this loss right now been in such a fog this past week it's been hard to function and continue life as normal.

My dh and I been talking a lot on what to do going forward think we have decided to give it a try on our own again this month. Take some Femara 7.5mg on days 3-10 again and BD use pre-seed etc and just see. Figure I still have the intralipids in my system and can stay on 10mg of predisone.

The biggest concern is my PAI-1 levels are high and my RI wants me to stay on blood thinner shots till they come down. In the past failed cycles they just had me stop them but this time they said stay on them. I asked for a explanation on why but have yet to get one as I am concerned what this means for my health long term if I will have to always be monitored for this clotting disorder and make sure the numbers are normal or be on blood thinner shots. I may have to go in and talk to my family Dr. if my RI does not answer those questions.

I am sure once AF is over and I've had this time to grieve and cry and get it all out I can move on. Am trying my best to remain hopeful that God still has a plan somewhere for us to be parents somehow.

1/17 - Day 4 of 7.5 mg of femara. Other than a few headaches I have not noticed any side effects. Still on 10mg of predisone and doing lovenox each day. Will be testing my PAI-1 again next week to see if levels are going down.

My husband had to go back to work today. We where not planning on this as he is still on restrictions from his shoulder surgery but I guess his managers think there is things he can do at work. Makes it harder for him to keep up with his PT and recovery not to mention gas money now to go back and forth to work when he still will only be getting 40hrs till he is off all restrictions. All he is doing is paperwork for next week. Doesn't make sense to us why they just did not extend his disability and keep him off for another 4 weeks. Hopefully he won't be too tired out to BD this month. We also had to delay the foster care meeting till March with him going back to work now.

Life still seems to be standing still, doing my best to keep busy. Been working on our tax stuff getting medical bills all together hard to believe what we spent last year and all the miles but still empty arms.

1/23 - CD12 FX that maybe something good will happen this month, been doing ovulation strips and it's been years since I've done them and past two days they have had two lines so not sure if the OS are working for me will keep taking them next few days and see, Got busy just in case guess all we can do is try and pray and see if God will listen.


1/26 - Well it's on to the 2WW so to say. Not feeling to good on our chances this month as my husband got sick and was not up to BDing more than once on O day. Was frustrated about it all but nothing I could do. Just is our bad luck that we've both been really healthy then he gets sick now when it was time to try. I think we argued more about this than anything last year doing treatments. Told him just put it in a cup at least I can bast it in myself. I know it was bad, he's sick and I am not feeling much better and I should be more understanding but it was hard to be when we finally had two lines on the O stick and I took medication etc. Can't ttc on my own.

Today was not a good day either. I found out my 15yr old Goddaughter has gone missing. She went to school last Thursday and never came home. They think she ran away as her makeup and stuff was gone. I guess she has been having some serious issues with skipping school and tried to shoplift. She used to be such a good kid but all kinds of stuff happened with her family and her mom going to jail that is so messed her up now. Tried to be there for her but going through all this infertility and Dr. stuff I was so wiped out myself emotionally and physically I had nothing left. I am so upset she is missing as she is like our daughter and knowing she is out there who knows where with who knows who is causing me so much stress. Praying so hard she returns and we can somehow help her.

Life has not been much easier on me, emotionally I feel myself slipping in a hole of darkness and hibernating most days just hiding in a book and reading and hoping I would wake up and it be a bad dream and we really are pregnant and the nursery is really not empty. This is harder then I ever imagined it, I know there is others who's dreams have ended too but I always thought God would pull out a miracle for us. I keep praying He will show us what to do now and feel like I don't have any answers. 

BFN!