FET#2 BFN

FET#2 has come to a close with another negative beta. It was a extremely difficult day as I had thought just maybe it had worked. I have to call our clinic tomorrow and see where we go from here to set up a fresh IVF cycle. Will be our last attempt. Right now I have pretty much lost all hope I will ever be a mom. We will give it one last shot but so far it seems my body or our embryo's are just not working right even with all the extra help. Only thing we have not done is Karyotyping or genetic testing. I think I will ask about it tomorrow.We don't have the option to adopt it's just not something we can afford so this is it for us either IVF works or if not we keep trying on our own and just try to move on and live without a family. :(

Thoughts after FET#2 transfer

10/22 - Sent a message this morning to my RI to find out what they think about my levels from my blood work yesterday. Progesterone is: 31.74 Estrogen is: 578.8. Seems this time around my Progesterone is lower and my Estrogen is higher so will see what they say. I am doing the PIO progesterone in oil 2cc shots and 2 pills a day and Estrogen pills to supplement. I forgot yesterday to go to my local lab and do my thryoid and PAI-1 labs so I will have to remember to go to town early before my acupuncture tomorrow and do them. Important to keep making sure my thyroid is under 2 and to see where my blood blotting gene is at. On two lovenox blood thinners a day and up to 30mg of predisone now this week. So far I feel fine just really tired. Got woken up by a call from my dh that his work never got the FMLA paperwork from yesterday so I had to call my clinic and put a fire under them to get it done and faxed over to his work. In the past they always did it before we even left the clinic so not sure what is taken them longer this time and don't think they understand that one can get in trouble with a workplace if the proper documents are not send asap. Winter sure seems to be on the way here not looking forward to cold weather and snow. 

10/23 - The day we found out we where pregnant officially from the Dr. one year ago today. One year ago today I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Being pregnant had come as a complete surprise as we had taken last year off from treatments (cause my mom had breast cancer and was living with us while doing radiation) and just used a round a Femara on our own never expecting it to work. AF was late, I had some waves of nausea so I tested that weekend the 21st at home to get my very first positive hpt test ever. I've had pos beta's but never seen 2 lines on a hpt before. My first beta was a awesome number of 1456.4. I  had a few short days of sheer bliss till our ultrasound on Nov 12 2012 which showed our little bean had passed at 6wks or so and no heartbeat. The process of going through another mc just about broke me. Here I am now on day 3 of our FET transfer thinking and praying that please God let this one stick so we can have a rainbow baby to take the place of all the grief of what happened a year ago, let this year's holiday's be full of joy and happiness not the awful grief and heart wrenching pain we have gone through. All I have of our little bean "Uriel" is a few pregnancy sticks and a ultrasound pic to remember him/her by and big hole in my heart, empty arms still waiting to be filled with life. I will never forget though the most happiest days of my life to feel such joy again would be so wonderful words can not describe it.  It seems weird that Oct. 21st is the day I took the first hpt and found out we where pregnant last year and now 1 year later it's the day we also had transfer for FET#2. Maybe it worked out that way for a reason I can only hope it did and God has a plan. 

Acupuncture went well today - it was a free session at my old place so they do things a little different there but it still helps in getting blood flowing and energy going to the right place - Sunday I see my reg acupuncturist for another session. Day 2 past transfer of the wait if something is going to happen then today be the day to implant. 

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

10/24 - 3dp5dt today. It's hard not to think about every little twinge etc. and wonder if something is happening in there. Been feeling some pressure low and very tired but I don't want to get too excited just keeping calm and staying busy. Have kept things low key but still walking around and doing normal activities just no heavy lifting or strenuous stuff.  Today been working on making special order angel ornaments getting those done for people. Helps to have something to do. My bum is so sore from the PIO shots I had to do one in the leg today for a break. Still doing 2 shots of lovenox a day and keeping up with all the supplements etc. It's a lot to do each day but so worth it if this all works. 

10/25 - 4dp5dt - not much new to report. Having a hard time sleeping at night just have a lot on my mind.  

10/26 - 5dp5dt - hanging in there trying to keep my mind occupied felt pretty down today was a long day. 

10/27 - 6dp5dt - went to acupuncture today had a relaxing session with some cupping on my back and massage on my neck and a ton of needles. Almost fell asleep was snoring a bit. I needed it to be relaxed. Had a nice lunch after with my Mom and husband at Olive Garden, enjoyed the salad and some mushroom ravioli. Not that I am putting to much into this but I feel nauseated on and off and more tonight, not a ton but it's there along with a headache, just maybe? Like I said I don't have my hopes up too high and I try not to put to much into symptoms cause the meds can cause them but I am trying my best to be positive. 

10/28 - 7dp5dt - well hpt dollar store one was neg this morning - I tested cause I woke up with tummy feeling funny and some nausea that kinda reminded me of last preg. - maybe it's all in my head I don't know - 3 more days till beta so guess will find out either way soon. 

10/29 - 8dp5dt - Still feeling funny in my tummy so to say, twinges etc. sore nipples. Was to afraid to do another hpt so didn't even try it. Have a small glimmer of hope just maybe it worked. Read this devotional tonight was helpful. 

God spoke softly in my heart, a small whisper.. “Tell them to trust me and that I hear their prayers.”
Don’t lose heart. Don’t be discouraged. Hang on to Him with every part of your being until He answers. He wants us to trust Him completely. Not half. Not partly but with all our might.
Now, you’re probably saying, well I’ve prayed for 10 years or I’ve waited for 30 years, how much longer? Do you know that part of life is waiting on the Lord? In the next few years, we’ll be waiting on something else as soon as one prayer is answered. And another wait, and so on. We will always wait on the Lord. That’s why He gave us so many scriptures on waiting. I’m sure you’ve heard them all but please let me share a few with you.

• The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. Lamen. 3:25
• For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Habbak. 2:3
• I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God. Psalm 69:3

God hears you and sees you, my friend. He loves you. He is for you.  

• But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. Psalm 4:3
• And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him. 1John 5:14-15
• I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Jeremiah 31:2

Last but not least, whatever it is that you are waiting on, release it to Him and lay it down at His feet before you leave this blog. Allow Him to carry this burden for you and receive His magnificent grace.
Bless you! Let’s journey together!

10/30 - ds hpt was neg again today :( Bracing myself for a neg beta tomorrow and gearing my mind for what has to be done for a fresh IVF cycle - re-ordered my PIO and Estradiol so at least I have those going forward, still have some follistim and other IVF meds in the fridge to use and hopefully my AMH (it was good last year) is ok to do a fresh cycle yet this year. Going to be tough but it's our last chance. Pretty much a emotional wreck today feeling very much like a failure as a person, wife etc. I did everything the Dr. wanted me to do, extra meds to treat what is wrong, my embryo's looked good and still nothing. I don't get it what is wrong with me and where the heck is God in this all and his promises for those who believe. Will have to take a few days of grieving till AF comes and then find my inner strength to push through a fresh IVF and just do it while insurance is still paying this year cause after that if nothing from that we can't do anymore. I feel so devastated. My husbands shoulder surgery is coming up next week too on the 6th so he will be out of work for awhile, in some ways I guess that is good cause then he can ride alone to apt. I don't know if I will go to the RI with a fresh cycle that be a lot of travel after egg retrieval. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom and seeing my dream die is killing me right now, I have not idea what I will do with my life now going forward. We don't have options to adopt the cost is just to much for us. I can barely handle running my support group anymore either seeing most of them with kids and some on their second while I still struggle and lack of understanding of my situation and feeling judged is turning me off so that I don't even have that support anymore. Somehow I got to go on not sure how, all I want to do is sit here and do nothing, cause I feel like I am nothing, infertility has stripped away everything from me, to once again disappoint my husband too is killing me inside. To be facing 40 in another month and knowing time is about out for us. 

Lord, I beg You, hear my prayers; but more than that, listen to the groanings of my heart—my unspoken sadness. In the din of my distress I cry out to my King, “I need Your help, God!” The first thing every morning, I lay out the broken pieces of my life before You; then I wait for You to speak to my heart, Lord. ~Psalm 5:1-3

FET#2 Transfer Day

Didn't think transfer day for FET #2 (5th transfer with IVF) would ever get here seems like this cycle took forever to get through. I was very relieved my reg RE was there today. Was a long day up at 5am to do my progesterone shot, shower and get on the road to the clinic, there is a detour on the way there so it takes a bit longer to arrive as we had to go around to get there.

Got there around 9am did my progesterone, estrogen blood work followed by ultrasound to check on the cysts. My RE said it was still very tiny and to him it was not anything like a polyp or growth but just a tiny bit of fluid and he felt it would not interfere with anything. I guess I felt reassured but when I told him that my RI suggested I do a saline ultrasound again if this cycle is a bust he said why we did one on you and I was like yes but that was 2yrs ago and if I do a fresh IVF cycle I want to make sure all is ok in there, figure if my insurance is still picking up the bill this year then why not and it's a simple procedure to do and tells a lot about the inside of the uterus. But we are going to remain positive thinking that it won't get to that.

Around 9:30ish my wonderful acupuncture lady showed up for my relaxing before transfer session. She turns up the energy levels on transfer day and really gets the needles going. After that was fill the bladder and drink drink drink got down 2 liters worth to fill up my bladder enough, that part is the worse it's so hard to hold your pee while you get a specular stuck in you and a long needle like tube while up in leg stirrups and someone pressing a ultrasound machine wand down on your belly right above your bladder, it's all one can do to hold it together while transferring lol.  Had them empty my bladder with a cath after like usual, nothing like peeing in a bucket in front of your dh and Dr. to humble a person. I think along this journey I don't really have any more self conscious about my body it's like ok get it done it's just body parts etc. The embryo lab guy (most expensive babysitter as my RE likes to call him) said that of 3 frosties he unfroze that 2 looked really good excellent and 1 was average. I am glad we choose to do 3 this time around maybe 1 of them will be the one. We still have 2 frosties left but the plan is if this time is a bust to go into a fresh IVF cycle and have those 2 as back up.

Transfer was around 11:45ish I was happy to have my RE back as I like his bedside manner so much better on how he does things and my favorite nurse I had not seen in months was there too she was there when I did my other IVF's in 2011 and I was glad to see her and have her there with me this morning.

Then after was another round of acupuncture and relaxing for a hour while laying flat. Finally got out of the clinic a little after 1pm. The valium they have you take was knocking me on my butt making me really sleepy.

My dh wanted to go to a book store while we where in that town so he looked around while I chilled and we did lunch a few errands and headed home. A long day but hopefully the last time I have to see the inside of the transfer room. Wore my lucky owl socks today from a friend. Didn't really take any other pictures this time around felt we did all the other cycles so at least we got those. I did get 1 ultrasound picture of them putting in the embryo's isn't that exciting but it's a pic at least. Now it's rest and relax and wait. I got another session of acupuncture on Wed. and Sun. Then Oct. 31st is our beta so only 10 more days to wait till we find out but it will be a long 10 days. Was talking to my frosties and told them to behave this time and find a place to settle in for the next 9months cause they are no longer allowed to misbehave it's time one of them decides to be a good little baby. :)

Ultrasound image of the 3 embryo's being transfered to my uterus

My lucky Owl socks for today

FET#2 Thoughts leading to Transfer Day

10/18 - Just 2 more days till Monday. I can't help but be scared this time around. I know others don't understand the emotional toll of 11 yrs of ttc has taken on me. This FET could be our last shot right now to be parents. I am scared it won't work and scared it will and that I won't mc. It is hard to explain the whirlwind of emotions going on inside right now. I am tired hormonal and exhausted since starting the PIO shots. Not to mention the darn pain in my hips from having to endure them too. I ended up sleeping a lot of the day today just had no energy at all. Checked with my RI on the blood panels they did this past Monday and it all came back normal. I still need to do my PAI-1 and Thyroid for them next week. I have felt a lot better with no leg cramps since I did the Intralipids something about it seems to make me feel better.

10/20 - Been a busy weekend of working on ornaments for the Hoping Believing Waiting store. Been trying to get all the glitter mess done with so I can clean things up before tomorrow but don't think that will happen as I am still not done with all of the ornaments. Not sure if I am really looking forward to transfer day. The whole process of going thru transfer is not pleasant and the 10 day wait will be hard to endure. Got to do my best to remain hopeful.


How I wish that God would answer my prayer. -Job 6:8

 

Transfer Day Schedule

Was a long night. Felt ill and had some cramping then some bright red bleeding which finally stopped, not enough to fill a pad or anything just spotting. Enough to worry me and nothing that has happened in other cycles. Not sure if it had to do with the tiny 2mm cyst that has been lingering in the endometrial lining and it burst and bleed out or what?

Tried yesterday to get a hold of my clinic and never did so finally someone called me a little bit ago.  

I guess we are a go for Monday transfer. I have to figure out how to give myself the darn PIO shot this morning or wait till Scott comes home at 6pm to do it and be off on it as I don't know if I can poke it in myself and they didn't get back to me yesterday so we could time to do it before he went to work at 2am.

We are going to do a ultrasound that morning when I first arrive, I insisted on it, to see if the bleeding I had was the cyst bursting and is gone now or if my RE needs to suck it out, etc. I told them I want to make sure everything is ok before we transfer or it's a waste of my embryo's.

I'll arrive at 9am do blood (prog/estro) and ultrasound and if all ok do acupuncture, do my drinking to fill my bladder and transfer around 11:30am.

They didn't seem concerned at all about the cramping and bright red bleeding don't get them there anymore and so tired of being my own advocate and fighting infertility. 

I think I am also coming down with a cold and really not feeling well today. My sinus's are all messed up and asthma is acting up. Not a good time to get sick at all but it's the change in the weather now and not unusual for me to get a cold. Have a few antibodies left from last sinus infection so started them to help. I know being on things to lower my immune system can't be helping keep me healthy when it's starting to be cold season and many germs going around. 

At least I got a little plan till Monday. Please pray that everything is ok and goes well that day. I am pretty nervous about it all.

Oct. 15th Wave of Light Day

Been one of those days. Never got a hold of my IVF coordinator even though I left messages and finally had to call my RE on the after hours line to see if I should start PIO on Wed. but he was unsure and has to call me in the morning. Frustrated me as my dh needs to know about work and now we don't even know when transfer day is.

Today is also the remembrance day for everyone who has lost a child. It's a hard day cause I also found out on this day in 2011 that I was mc. Trying not to dwell on what if's cause it's not good for my spirit.

Read this verse today and it really helped as I just need to cry out to God about everything and trust he has a plan ... 

Lord, I beg You, hear my prayers; but more than that, listen to the groanings of my heart—my unspoken sadness. In the din of my distress I cry out to my King, “I need Your help, God!” The first thing every morning, I lay out the broken pieces of my life before You; then I wait for You to speak to my heart, Lord. ~Psalm 5:1-3 

Hopefully tomorrow my RE will get back to me on a plan. I told him about the tiny cyst too and he said it maybe something we can suck out before transfer. 
 

RI Apt. FET#2

Yesterday we went to see my RI reproductive immunologist. I had a extensive blood flow ultrasound done and my flow was at a 2 which was good (similar to last FET). Without Lovenox blood thinner shots my blood flow is a 0 which is not conducive to being able to support a pregnancy. They have me doing 2 a day this time around to help. My lining with them averaged at 7.7 so up a bit from last FET. (My RE had me at 9.25 but they always seem to have me higher than my RI). The lining was nice 3 layer so that all is great.

They took blood and are checking my chem panel, PAI-1 gene and a few other things as they like to monitor my overall health too especially on all the medications I am on. I am so bummed my insurance is not wanting to cover doing my NK killer cells and Cystine levels as they could not do those tests yesterday and find out my numbers this time around. I even sent in letters to my insurance on why I need the labs done and called but they are still reviewing it all and we decided at $900 a pop we had to wait. I may be low on potassium and why I am having leg cramps from the steriods so they will let me know on that one when tests come back.

The only concern my RI had is I have a tiny 2mm cyst in the upper part of the uterus in the endometriam(sp?). You don't really want anything in the uterus at all when doing a transfer so I was a little shocked my RE did not mention or monitor this issue when I had ultrasounds this cycle with them. My RE did see it when I went in almost a month ago for my first u/s and then told me it go away with my period but it did not and they never said anything about it again so I did not know it was still there.

My RI felt is was small enough that it could just be caused by the medications I am on and may resolve when the progesterone starts or is tiny enough it won't interfere with implantation but if this FET does not work I need to insist on my RE doing a saline ultrasound to make sure it's not a issue that has to be fixed.

I have a call into my IVF cord. at my RE clinic to discuss these findings and set up transfer for the 21st. I am really not happy with my RE at the moment that they never talked about this tiny spot. They should of not proceeded if they saw it during my second u/s of the cycle but they never talked about it again. I could of just canceled the whole cycle but the thought of starting over etc is to much for me to go thru again right now. All I can do is leave the issue in God's hands and pray it shrinks and is not anything that will be a problem.

My Intralipids IV went well last night we hit up the Coram infusions place on the way back up from IL to WI - I get really tired after doing it and lose my appetite for a few days as it's a high fat content so it's like a nutrition supplement as well as helping lower my NK killer cells. I seemed to have bp issues all day yesterday and could of been from the 8lb weight gain (from all the predisone) so I have to get my walking in each day and do better on the low carbs. It was a long long day and I am really exhausted today and thankful I have a week yet to recover from all the travel till transfer day. Thank you for everyone's continued prayers.

RE Apt. FET#2 - Lining Check

Things looked good today. Lining was at (9.25) Looking at the 21st now for transfer as I guess they don't do weekends now unless they have to. So my husband will have to do a FMLA day as I can't drive after transfer and he needs to be with me.

Acupuncture today was awesome she spent almost 2 hrs on treatment this time around. We ended with a round in my ears cause I was having congestion which she said indicated I was fighting off sickness (which makes sense since Scott has been ill I may of caught something) and anyway one of the needles just popped out of my ear and started gushing blood which freaked me out but she said it was normal it meant I had a blockage and we hit the right energy spot after my head and throat and sinus's opened up really good and I felt better. Did more cupping on my back too. I love it there it's such a relaxing time. Will see her on the 21st for transfer day too.

Tomorrow is my blood flow ultrasounds with Dr. K in IL. Getting ready to head to bed cause we got to head out early to be in IL by 11:15 then intralipids later in Milwaukee WI on the way home. Very tired and hoping I can sleep as last night I just laid there and dozed in and out. So much on my mind about transfer day. I want to be hopeful but it's our 5th transfer and I just don't know anymore if it's ever going to happen for us. I'd like to think it will but doubt is just there about it all.

Keep praying for safe travel will be a lot of driving for Scott tomorrow. Got a few movies to keep me entertained during my lipids IV and one Scott can watch while he waits for me at the RI office on our little DVD player. Guess that is all for now.

More thoughts along the way FET#2

10/1 - It's been so crazy trying to schedule in this FET. Last time we had everything planned in advance but with AF being so late this time I was not able to. Was thankful my RI Dr. Kwak-Kim was able to squeeze me in for my blood flow ultrasound, she was booked up on Oct. 11th so got her last one on the 14th. Trying to also book my Intralipids for that night as the infusion center is on the way home from IL, back up to WI where I live and save us a trip. (If I can't then I will have to do it on Sat. the 12th). But man that is going to be a long day. We will have to leave out by 7:30am to get to my 11:15am apt and probably won't be back home till 10pm or so. Had to e-mail my RE and let them know that even if they say everything is good on Oct. 13th (when I have my lining check with them) I can't start progesterone until Dr. K on the 14th says she agrees and the intralipids get done. So that be starting PIO on Oct. 15th and transfer 6 days later. I sure hope this time works cause it's getting difficult to plan and do all the extra stuff I need to do for my immune and clotting issues. I am glad I have a Dr. to help treat those issues but wish she was closer to us and not so far away.

10/2 - Got to love the extra cm from estrogen pills - yuck! at least it subsides when PIO starts although I am not looking forward to shots in the butt again ouch! FET's are so much fun lol 

Last year around this day we conceived our angel baby that would of been due July 4, 2013. I do wonder at times what it be like to have him/her here with us. That pregnancy was the farthest we ever got and the most painful. Praying so hard this FET works and we get to a happy end.  

10/6 - Been so busy working on the HBW store making Memory Angel Ornaments and hosting a Fall Auction on my items have not had time to post a update. Everything is going well. I forgot how much the Lovenox shots sting ouch. Today I did a session of acupuncture at Red Sage Health again. I love acupunture it helps me relax and destress. Did some cupping on my back and moxi heat. Will do it again this next Sunday. 10/13 I have my lining check with my RE so hopefully all is going to look good. Could use some prayers for my husband he is coming down with a cold and I worry about him working so much and getting run down so close to us having to do trips to the Dr. next weekend. Well that is all for now :)

10/8 - Called to fill my PIO and found out they where out and it's on back order. Had to call around to local pharmacies till I found a walgreens that can get some in and then call my fertility clinic to call in a new prescription for some. Thank God I have 3 vials sitting here from last FET to at least start with next week. I know I could do the crinone cream if it came to it but I'd prefer to do the PIO shots being they are suppose to be better. Good thing I called today and didn't wait so I can get it going. I think half the battle sometimes is getting all your meds for a cycle.

10/11 - Huge travel weekend coming up. RE on Sunday followed by acupuncture in Madison. Monday is our trip to IL to see my RI and then back up to Milwaukee for my Intralipids IV infusion before travel home. Please pray that everything is looking good for our second FET transfer, will be testing lining and blood flow. If all is ok we are on target for the 20th for transfer. Getting excited but nervous all at the same time. Really needing this time to be it! Pray for Scott to as he is under the weather.