Thoughts after FET#2 transfer

10/22 - Sent a message this morning to my RI to find out what they think about my levels from my blood work yesterday. Progesterone is: 31.74 Estrogen is: 578.8. Seems this time around my Progesterone is lower and my Estrogen is higher so will see what they say. I am doing the PIO progesterone in oil 2cc shots and 2 pills a day and Estrogen pills to supplement. I forgot yesterday to go to my local lab and do my thryoid and PAI-1 labs so I will have to remember to go to town early before my acupuncture tomorrow and do them. Important to keep making sure my thyroid is under 2 and to see where my blood blotting gene is at. On two lovenox blood thinners a day and up to 30mg of predisone now this week. So far I feel fine just really tired. Got woken up by a call from my dh that his work never got the FMLA paperwork from yesterday so I had to call my clinic and put a fire under them to get it done and faxed over to his work. In the past they always did it before we even left the clinic so not sure what is taken them longer this time and don't think they understand that one can get in trouble with a workplace if the proper documents are not send asap. Winter sure seems to be on the way here not looking forward to cold weather and snow. 

10/23 - The day we found out we where pregnant officially from the Dr. one year ago today. One year ago today I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Being pregnant had come as a complete surprise as we had taken last year off from treatments (cause my mom had breast cancer and was living with us while doing radiation) and just used a round a Femara on our own never expecting it to work. AF was late, I had some waves of nausea so I tested that weekend the 21st at home to get my very first positive hpt test ever. I've had pos beta's but never seen 2 lines on a hpt before. My first beta was a awesome number of 1456.4. I  had a few short days of sheer bliss till our ultrasound on Nov 12 2012 which showed our little bean had passed at 6wks or so and no heartbeat. The process of going through another mc just about broke me. Here I am now on day 3 of our FET transfer thinking and praying that please God let this one stick so we can have a rainbow baby to take the place of all the grief of what happened a year ago, let this year's holiday's be full of joy and happiness not the awful grief and heart wrenching pain we have gone through. All I have of our little bean "Uriel" is a few pregnancy sticks and a ultrasound pic to remember him/her by and big hole in my heart, empty arms still waiting to be filled with life. I will never forget though the most happiest days of my life to feel such joy again would be so wonderful words can not describe it.  It seems weird that Oct. 21st is the day I took the first hpt and found out we where pregnant last year and now 1 year later it's the day we also had transfer for FET#2. Maybe it worked out that way for a reason I can only hope it did and God has a plan. 

Acupuncture went well today - it was a free session at my old place so they do things a little different there but it still helps in getting blood flowing and energy going to the right place - Sunday I see my reg acupuncturist for another session. Day 2 past transfer of the wait if something is going to happen then today be the day to implant. 

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

10/24 - 3dp5dt today. It's hard not to think about every little twinge etc. and wonder if something is happening in there. Been feeling some pressure low and very tired but I don't want to get too excited just keeping calm and staying busy. Have kept things low key but still walking around and doing normal activities just no heavy lifting or strenuous stuff.  Today been working on making special order angel ornaments getting those done for people. Helps to have something to do. My bum is so sore from the PIO shots I had to do one in the leg today for a break. Still doing 2 shots of lovenox a day and keeping up with all the supplements etc. It's a lot to do each day but so worth it if this all works. 

10/25 - 4dp5dt - not much new to report. Having a hard time sleeping at night just have a lot on my mind.  

10/26 - 5dp5dt - hanging in there trying to keep my mind occupied felt pretty down today was a long day. 

10/27 - 6dp5dt - went to acupuncture today had a relaxing session with some cupping on my back and massage on my neck and a ton of needles. Almost fell asleep was snoring a bit. I needed it to be relaxed. Had a nice lunch after with my Mom and husband at Olive Garden, enjoyed the salad and some mushroom ravioli. Not that I am putting to much into this but I feel nauseated on and off and more tonight, not a ton but it's there along with a headache, just maybe? Like I said I don't have my hopes up too high and I try not to put to much into symptoms cause the meds can cause them but I am trying my best to be positive. 

10/28 - 7dp5dt - well hpt dollar store one was neg this morning - I tested cause I woke up with tummy feeling funny and some nausea that kinda reminded me of last preg. - maybe it's all in my head I don't know - 3 more days till beta so guess will find out either way soon. 

10/29 - 8dp5dt - Still feeling funny in my tummy so to say, twinges etc. sore nipples. Was to afraid to do another hpt so didn't even try it. Have a small glimmer of hope just maybe it worked. Read this devotional tonight was helpful. 

God spoke softly in my heart, a small whisper.. “Tell them to trust me and that I hear their prayers.”
Don’t lose heart. Don’t be discouraged. Hang on to Him with every part of your being until He answers. He wants us to trust Him completely. Not half. Not partly but with all our might.
Now, you’re probably saying, well I’ve prayed for 10 years or I’ve waited for 30 years, how much longer? Do you know that part of life is waiting on the Lord? In the next few years, we’ll be waiting on something else as soon as one prayer is answered. And another wait, and so on. We will always wait on the Lord. That’s why He gave us so many scriptures on waiting. I’m sure you’ve heard them all but please let me share a few with you.

• The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. Lamen. 3:25
• For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Habbak. 2:3
• I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God. Psalm 69:3

God hears you and sees you, my friend. He loves you. He is for you.  

• But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. Psalm 4:3
• And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him. 1John 5:14-15
• I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Jeremiah 31:2

Last but not least, whatever it is that you are waiting on, release it to Him and lay it down at His feet before you leave this blog. Allow Him to carry this burden for you and receive His magnificent grace.
Bless you! Let’s journey together!

10/30 - ds hpt was neg again today :( Bracing myself for a neg beta tomorrow and gearing my mind for what has to be done for a fresh IVF cycle - re-ordered my PIO and Estradiol so at least I have those going forward, still have some follistim and other IVF meds in the fridge to use and hopefully my AMH (it was good last year) is ok to do a fresh cycle yet this year. Going to be tough but it's our last chance. Pretty much a emotional wreck today feeling very much like a failure as a person, wife etc. I did everything the Dr. wanted me to do, extra meds to treat what is wrong, my embryo's looked good and still nothing. I don't get it what is wrong with me and where the heck is God in this all and his promises for those who believe. Will have to take a few days of grieving till AF comes and then find my inner strength to push through a fresh IVF and just do it while insurance is still paying this year cause after that if nothing from that we can't do anymore. I feel so devastated. My husbands shoulder surgery is coming up next week too on the 6th so he will be out of work for awhile, in some ways I guess that is good cause then he can ride alone to apt. I don't know if I will go to the RI with a fresh cycle that be a lot of travel after egg retrieval. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom and seeing my dream die is killing me right now, I have not idea what I will do with my life now going forward. We don't have options to adopt the cost is just to much for us. I can barely handle running my support group anymore either seeing most of them with kids and some on their second while I still struggle and lack of understanding of my situation and feeling judged is turning me off so that I don't even have that support anymore. Somehow I got to go on not sure how, all I want to do is sit here and do nothing, cause I feel like I am nothing, infertility has stripped away everything from me, to once again disappoint my husband too is killing me inside. To be facing 40 in another month and knowing time is about out for us. 

Lord, I beg You, hear my prayers; but more than that, listen to the groanings of my heart—my unspoken sadness. In the din of my distress I cry out to my King, “I need Your help, God!” The first thing every morning, I lay out the broken pieces of my life before You; then I wait for You to speak to my heart, Lord. ~Psalm 5:1-3