Delay...

Monday I had my ENT Specialist Apt. Had a camera put down my nose was real fun. The Dr. said my tonsils are very big, the right one especially, he recommends taking them out. I also have a deviated septum in my nose. He is going to do a CT scan of my head sinus's and take a look at the whole picture see if there is anything else that he can do or fix while I have surgery to do my tonsils. So after that happens we will plan out the surgery date. 

I guess as a adult the recover from tonsils is harder more painful takes about a month. He said most patients lose some weight cause your on cold or soft foods. The biggest risk is bleeding as your tonsils have a ton of tiny blood vessels. I picked a good Dr. as he is one of the few in WI that does adult surgeries on tonsils. But he said after recovery all the swallow and pain in my throat issues and even being able to breathe better if we do my nose will go away. 

The bad part is I don't know if I can do my FET now this year. Depends on when surgery happens and how soon I recover. Have to be at least two weeks out so I am off all pain meds and out of the risk of bleeding so I can do blood thinner shots with the FET. 

I'm pretty down feeling a little depressed and scared to do surgery the pain of it all and down cause I wanted this last chance to be a mom but I know I have to feel better do the tonsils that is more important. Been kinda quiet and withdrawn right now, I know it's not good but this time of the year is so hard on me it's when I had all my MC too. 

If I don't do my FET this year I don't think it will happen as financially coming up with the money next year to reach our insurance out of pocket would be almost impossible. It's really frustrating that I don't have more time this year to deal with this all.

November 5th is my CT Scan then from the results we set up surgery, tonsils come out, maybe do my deviated septum and sinus too at same time depending on the CT results. Then a month of recovery. 
November 6th I see a new Hemotologist for my blood clotting disorder. I had that set up to go over Lovenox monitoring during my FET which now looks to be on hold but I'm still going to find out long term effects of having the two clotting issues. 

Just praying that things go quickly then maybe we can do the FET we planned for November in December and get that one last chance in. Not sure how to stay positive I'll ever be a mom but I'm not seeing any light at the end of this long long journey. 

What about infertility scares you the most?

When I first started this journey I had many fears, fears of never being a mom, fears that my husband would be disappointed in me etc. As time went on I was scared to mc again and now I am dealing with being older and fears of doing one last try and wondering if this is what I want now at this time after feeling peaceful without, like opening a can of emotional worms all over again.