IVF#4 7DP5DT

Had a bad night, not been feeling well upset tummy from acid reflux and wondering if my elevated wbc is causing issues too. Did pregnancy test this morning as by now if things had worked I should get a positive. Well it was negative, 1 line punch to the gut to just emphasize I am broken, that I will never be a mom, that it didn't matter how many shots, meds, procedures, money etc. my body is not going to be healed and made whole. My embryo's are lost once again never implanted, never made it, dead. Dead just like how I feel inside. Infertility is one cruel disease it's taken everything from me.


We spend a lot of time
trying to
dance in the rain,
sing in the rain,
smile in the rain...
but sometimes we just need
to let the rain fall
and feel it on our skin.

I sure want to know God how these promises below from your word that I kept close to my heart are true cause I don't see them. I've asked, I've pleaded, I've done all the medical stuff I can do on my part and nothing but mc, failed implantation, over 11 years of torture and sadness, if these verses are true then were where you God?...We had so many people pray for us and tell us that God wanted us to have a child, they told us thing like we would have one around Christmas or conceive around that time, that they saw a baby in my uterus, that I just needed to claim the word etc. Why did you give these people words when it was untrue. How can I even go on having faith? You knew that we could not adopt we have no finances to do so that this was our only option why did you not use it to bless us?

Jesus said, “Keep asking, and God will give you your heart’s desire. Keep searching, and He will reveal Himself to you. Keep knocking, and God will throw His door wide open to you.” ~Matthew 7:7 (Randy Reed Paraphrased Version)

Lord, I beg You, hear my prayers; but more than that, listen to the groanings of my heart—my unspoken sadness. In the din of my distress I cry out to my King, “I need Your help, God!” The first thing every morning, I lay out the broken pieces of my life before You; then I wait for You to speak to my heart, Lord. ~Psalm 5:1-3

Psalm 130:5 - I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I hope.

"Commit your work to the Lord, and then your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. Habakkuk 2:3   

For I know the plans I have for you', declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 

I told my dh that I feel like he should of married someone else not some barren broken woman who can't conceive. In most cultures I'd be thrown away by now worthless. Being a mom is all I ever wanted since I was a child myself, to teach a young life, to snuggle a precious baby, to grow old and see the next generation but now I will be alone someday and there really is no purpose to me being here. I've never succeed at anything in this life, I've given many things a good effort but nothing has ever worked in my favor to be something of any purpose of being alive. My dh says I have to care for, that thought doesn't help me, to just have housework to look forward to every day ya that helps me. I guess it's over now unless by some miracle we win the lottery to afford to do one last FET with our two frozen but I know that is not going to happen. I've already borrowed, sold off, saved and spend everything we had on this last year's efforts. I don't know how to move on I don't know if I can. My dh said it best today, we don't need a break from ttc we needed a baby!