Hoping...Believing...Waiting: Keeping your Marriage Healthy through Infertility

Monday, September 19, 2011

Keeping your Marriage Healthy through Infertility

I was thinking today that I hear way to many times about marriages that don't survive going through ttc. Many women who feel all alone in their struggles with partners who don't support them. The stress of frequent fertility clinic visits, medications like painful hormone injections, collection of sperm, the loss of intimacy, and the shame and anguish that often go hand in hand with fertility treatments prove to be too much for some couples. It really saddens me to hear of couples divorcing over not having any children.

Don't get me wrong being married and going through infertility treatments as a couple is tough!. But for us personally, this has been a time of growing closer, finding a way to work though the situation together. It took us many talks over several years until we where ready to reach the point of finally going to a fertility specialist. Most importantly was that my husband understood we where in this together, that this just wasn't about me wanting to be a mom it was also about him becoming a dad. I am very thankful for my wonderful, caring husband, without him being there every step of the way I don't know how I would find the strength to keep trying. When I am negative he reminds me to look at the positive. We often forget that our husbands are also effected by the stress and emotions of infertility but may not talk about their feelings like we ladies do. I have yet to find a men's IF support group, they don't have the benefit we do of talking, sharing with others going through the same thing, most of them bottle it up inside.

The best thing you can do as a couple is to keep the lines of communication open. Take time each week to re-visit how each of you are feeling, cry together, pray, be supportive. Allow this time to bring you closer together not farther apart.

If you and your spouse are undergoing treatments, don't let infertility ravage your relationship, there are many steps you can take to ensure your marriage stays healthy and strong through it all.

Here are a few tips:

Make a Plan. Early in your conception attempts, come to an agreement on a plan of action, whether it be aggressive treatment, no outside intervention at all, or somewhere in-between. Discuss and review your plan of action at regular intervals, making changes as required to accommodate each others' changing desires.
Allow yourself to Feel. Realize that the infertility experience is as traumatic as it feels. Research indicates that stress levels are similar to those in people experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder or going through cancer. Don't keep your feelings bottled up inside till they explode. Marriage counselors and infertility therapists say that it's perfectly normal for couples undergoing fertility treatments to experience a wide range of overpowering emotions, from grief, sadness, anger, hopefulness, excitement. Realize it's ok to feel and share with each other your emotions. If you do come to an emotional impasse, allow each other space but remain in contact.
Keep Talking. Keep the lines of communication open with your partner. Make time to sit down and talk, really listen. Communicate in a way that is non-critical and non-judgmental toward each other. Have regular date nights, get out and do things that have nothing to do with infertility and all about focusing on building and keeping strong your marriage. Openly recognize and discuss the good things that you do have together. Focus on being good friends. Spend time praying together.
Seek Counseling. Be open to seeking professional counseling when communication breaks down, when sexual dysfunction is an issue, or when either partner experiences symptoms of clinical depression. If one partner feels the need for counseling, both partners should participate.
Find Support Groups. Use other relationships as an emotional sounding board. Do not rely solely on your marital partner to meet your emotional needs.There is many great support groups out on the web.
Take a Break. During fertility treatments, it's easy to become completely consumed with the ultimate goal: getting pregnant. After a while, all of your thoughts and conversations may revolve around your fertility treatments, getting pregnant, and babies. However, it's important to give yourselves a break every now and then. Focusing on something else will not only take your mind off of your infertility issues for a short time, but it will also bring you and your spouse closer. When you're facing an enormous marital challenge such as infertility, it's important to remind each other why you got married in the first place.