Scott's emergency heart surgery

On Friday Oct 16th 2015 my husband Scott went into his family Dr. with chest pains and shortness of breath. After a EKG it was determined Scott had some serious heart issues. He went home over the weekend on strict bed rest.

On Monday Oct 18th he met with a cardiologist who went on to tell us he needed to do a immediate heart catheter test. Things then spiraled from there. He was rushed over to the hospital St. Mary's in Madison WI where they did a echocardiogram then surgery. Afterwards the Dr. came to talk to me and told me that Scott had to undergo open heart bypass surgery immediately. His heart was only working at 50% they needed to replace 3-4 arteries.

Scott was admitted to the cardiologist ICU in preparation for surgery the following day. He was placed on a balloon pump to reduce stress to the heart and prepped for surgery.

Tuesday OCt 19th he was taken to surgery around 11:30. By 3pm they began his heart repairs and he was scheduled to be out of surgery by 5ish. When 7 came around and no word other then they where still working on him I knew something was wrong. Scott finally came out of surgery around 9pm that evening. The surgeon then explained to us that Scott had pretty much crashed on the operating table. That surgery went well but as they where closing him up his heart went into spasms, the had to put him back on the bypass machine and open him up, they worked for many hours to save his life. At the end he came out alive but on full life support. A machine was breathing for him and two machines where pumping his heart for him.

Because Scott is a relatively young 48yr old the surgeon had told us it was best to use a artery out of scotts arm for part of the heart repair and then a vein of the leg for the rest. Vein repairs only last 5-7yrs and arm artery would last him 10-15 yrs. But there was a 15% chance risk the muscle part of the artery would spasm which is what happened. In most patients they are able to calm down the heart with medications and the patient goes on to a normal bypass recovery and is just fine. In 1% of the cases it does not and that is what happened to Scott. He fell into that rare case.

Scott is now facing a very long and difficult recovery. He in all sense died on the operating table and was brought back to life. His body now has to heal and return to normal.

UPDATES:

Oct 23
Update on Scott Hubbard: Friday night..Some prayer requests for Scott. He has developed a slight fever that maybe the start of a lung infection. Earlier today they did some xrays and he had some congestion so all day they kept a eye on it and tonight when I called he has a slight fever so they are looking to start antibiotics to get ahead of any infection in the lungs. Having a infection is really dangerous for him at this point and could set back his recovery and postpone the goal of removing the respirator. Second prayer request is that his stomach starts tolerating the feeding tube. They started a small amount of nutrients in his feeding tube but it's up and down if he is tolerating it. He needs the nutrients to continue to heal. He has been living off his reserves all this time so prayers his stomach/bowels kick in and start working excepting the nutrients. Other then that he's hanging in there. I was a little concerned he was less responsive tonight but it could of been from not feeling right. Praying the antibiotics take care of anything quickly.

Oct. 23
Update Scott Hubbard: Friday morning. Scott is holding steady with slow and steady progress. They finally figured out a combo of light sedation and pain meds that have kept him comfortable. He isn't waking up now in panic and pain like yesterday. They are continuing to wean off medications and started the meds to have him pee out the water weight. He's very swollen from all the fluid weight. After that goal is wean off respirator but that be a few days yet. Slowly but surely. We are limiting visitors today. His body needs to rest and heal. Hes still in ICU in critical but getting more and more stable.
Since so far today he is stable sleeping and healing without any major medical decisions to be made they said it'd OK I go home tonight. So my mom and I will be heading back in a bit. Got to take care of home business and sleeping in hotel is not that fun.
Keep praying for his healing and I need prayers for myself for physically keeping on, in a lot of pain today from my own issues. Thank you everyone.

October 22 at 10:24pm ·
Update Scott Hubbard: Thursday evening. Scott has made it through so much in the past 4 days.
Today was a rough day for me and for him. The more aware he is the more he fussed and even fought the respirator (breathed over it) even in his sleep. He needed to just chill and let it do the work but nope he wanted to do it. You would think that is good but in reality it stressed out his body and him. He also was getting overstimulated when he heard familiar voices so by tonight the nurse and I thought it best he have no more visitors till tomorrow. Give his blood pressure time to come down and them work on more weaning off meds with little stress as possible. Right now visitation is immediate family. He's not strong enough for others to see him yet.
Tonight the Dr took out the balloon pump which means all support of machines are gone from the heart. The heart is on its own so we see how it does overnight.
I want to explain that what happened to Scott was not a normal bypass surgery. The complications during surgery had only a 15% chance of happening. Being put on the pump for his heart was a very rare thing to have to happen also. Yes he is recovering from the bypass but he is going through on top of it all recovery from almost dying, huge shock, 9hrs on bypass machine, injury to his leg, blood loss from bleeding out, massive water weight gain, etc. Some have not understood this condition with heart disease is in his family, yes diet ect can help and is something we have always worked on but when it's in your genes and every man in his immediate family has had heart issues at exactly or close to Scotts age of 48 it was bound to happen. You can't change your genetics. He also didn't ignore his heart, every year including twice earlier this year we have told his family dr about chest pain, short breath etc and they never thought it was his heart or checked it. In a lot of ways I'm really mad at his family dr. He should of been on top of this knowing his family history. Can't go back and change that just focus on the here and now going forward.
The hotel my mom and I are staying at is booked for weekend so we are checking out tomorrow for two nights then returning for all next week. We may stay at hospital or if they say it's OK we will go home for Friday night and come back Sat stay at hospital then check in our hotel on Sunday again. Today was difficult on me, had a lot of pain issues in my back arm today and am still exhausted. Hoping for sleep tonight. He is still in ICU and considered critical but stable.
I will update tomorrow again. Thank you everyone.

October 22 at 12:11pm ·
It's breaking my heart seeing Scott in so much pain and discomfort. This is the hardest day yet

October 22 at 11:33am ·
Update Scott Hubbard: Just was with Scott he opened up his eyes. He's in more pain and discomfort today especially his neck and more aware. He squeezed my hand hard when I asked if he knew I was there.
I talked to the Dr., Scott is still not out of the woods yet he has a long slow painful recovery to go through and the next two to three days are crucial to see if he will be ok.
They are attempting to wean down on a few medicines and they have to get the water weight off so they can work on removing respirator. He's gained around 25lbs with fluid intake but Dr thinks by time he is ready to go home he will be down a good 15lbs from original weight.
Dr. is estimating around 4 weeks in hospital depending on how next few days go. He's still considered in critical condition but stable. Like I said not out of the woods yet!
One issue is his left leg where the tubes from the machine they took out last night went into is very swollen and they are watching it closely for blood flow, circulation so he doesn't loose his leg. So he needs prayers for that leg. Prayers for getting of all life support respirator and balloon pump (which they are keeping on for now). Prayers for his pain and feelings of panic confusion. I need prayers I can handle everything for strength.
Today is breaking my heart seeing him like this and not knowing if he will ever be the same. We live a little over hour from the hospital so for now we had a hotel room but they are booked Fri and Sat so we are unsure if we will get to go home or if I will crash at hospital.
Costs are already adding up so if you feel led to help by donating we appreciate it so much. Keep the prayers coming and I will update as I can.

October 22 at 6:58am
Update on Scott Hubbard: My mom and I finally slept! I go five hours of sleep was out cold. First sleep I got since Saturday. My stepson Tyler and gf Alice stayed overnight at hospital so I could leave. Over the night Scott has continued to improve. Tyler was able to spend a half hour talking to him when he came out of anesthesia from surgery. Was glad he was there to tell him where I was and him not all alone. He is still doing great this morning to the place they may try to get him off the respirator too and balloon pump removed. We still don't know what long term the effects this all will take on him but I'm hopeful now he will recover. I finally get to take a shower in a few min and get into clean clothes. Will update later after I get to hospital. Thank you everyone for the support and keep the prayers coming.
I have to say his surgeon was amazing he stayed at Scott's side all that first night and day. He even fell asleep in his room keeping watch on him. Everyone at St Mary hospital has been so great to him. His nurses Josh and Tammy have been with him round the clock. They talk to him even when he seemed not awake to tell him what they where doing. So thankful for them all.
Thank you to my mom Christine Rivers for being with me through this all

October 21 at 7:43pm ·
Update on Scott Hubbard: Thanking God right now!! Dr. just came talked to us. The pump running his heart is GONE, leg repaired by artery, his heart is pumping on its own strongly! He said now he has a chance. He is very hopeful and optimistic. The goal is to remove balloon pump from heart tomorrow morning. Their is a small risk that his heart could still fail and he have to go back on the machine but as of right now he is doing as great as the Dr would expect for someone in his condition. I am so very relieved I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you Heavenly Father for hearing our prayers. Keep praying his heart continues to thrive, beat on its own, against blood clots as they wean now off blood thinners, that he can get the balloon pump removed next then from their the respirator and his body functioning on its own. As of now he has good brain function, he knew who I was he squeezed my hand and acknowledged everyone that saw him today. Scott is the strongest bravest man I know he's going to beat this. He's still in critical but stable in ICU. I'm so thankful to the staff and his surgeon for saving his life..

October 21 at 5:25pm ·
Update Scott Hubbard: The test went good so they now took him to surgery to try to attempt to completely remove the machine pumping his heart. Will update you. Be around two hours.

October 21 at 3:38pm ·
Update: Scott Hubbard is undergoing a procedure right now to test how strong his heart is. They want to get him off the machine pumping for his heart. The Dr thinks he is stable enough to attempt this. The risk is he could die, that his heart is not strong enough to work on its own. Say some prayers he makes it through the next 30 to 40 min.

October 21 at 7:14am ·
Update on Scott Hubbard: He's in critical but stable condition. It's still serious but he slowly improved tonight. He has a long long road ahead of him right now. Its hour to hour at the moment. He is slightly aware of what is going on. The nurse asks him questions and he can open his eyes and nod head. I talked to him a bit he seemed to nod and know my voice. They got bleeding under control so far that area is good as during night it was a scramble to stop bleeding. My mom is with me, we stayed all night at hospital tried to sleep in tranquility room but neither one of us did. Back at hotel for breakfast get a bit of rest. At some point today I have to get home to get more of my medication as I didn't plan for all this and also been living in sane clothes. Please keep up praying he is fighting I can tell he's giving it all he got. Now his heart has to heal and be ok. If anyone wants to see him it's family and close friends only brief hi. Otherwise any company for me is welcome. Im running on adrenaline and doing my best to get thru this and get Scott thru this

October 21 at 2:05am ·
Update on Scott Hubbard: He's critical but stable. He did wake move his hands toes and nod yes when asked. Dr. Said that is a excellent sign of no brain damage. He's sedated again. Still have a team of surgeon nurses etc in his room constantly working on him. Hes having a lot of bleeding cause of blood thinners they got him on for the heart machine. It's scary and disturbing to see him laying there tubes everywhere etc. I've never seen so many IV medications hanging that they are using like 6 hangers and machines. It's still touch and go. He's far far from being out of the woods but he's fighting. I got to hold his hand and I told him (even though he's unconscious) you don't have permission to leave me you fight Scotty I can't live life without you. As far as me I'm running on adrenaline, went to hotel for hour to freshen up get my medication then my mom and I are crashing in the hospital so I can be here. Please keep praying, I believe Gods got a plan even when I can't see it right now and he's going to get Scott and me thru this. Also pray for our son/my stepson this is really hard on him to see his dad like this. Thank you everyone.

October 20 at 11:08pm ·
PRAYERS.... Scott Hubbard needs everyone to pray and pray now! He's in critical condition life and death in ICU.
At aprox 9pm he came out of surgery. Dr. told us everything was going good but as he was closing his chest his heart went into spasms and he started crashing. They opened him back up and put him back on bypass and spent hours working to save his life. His heart finally calmed down. What they think happened is his heart wasn't working for so long that after it was fixed his heart and body freaked out. He's in a fight for his life right now. They have him on machines to help him breathe and Two going to his heart one is pumping at 25Percent so his heart is only working at 75percent. Cause if this he's on life support and blood thinners that are making him bleed. He has a 40percent chance of bleeding issues and them having to go back in tonight and open him up. He not awake and we have no idea when and if he will be. There is a chance he could of sustained brain damage or stroke from being on the machine for so long. When he comes out if this all and I say when cause I can't face anything else he will have to be tested for that and the Dr said he have a very long road to recovery.

Oct 24th
Update Scott Hubbard...Sat morning...fever came down to normal with ice and Tylenol. Lung culture shows no bacteria which is good means no infection but they will continue to test and culture things. Feeding tube is going slow but he's tolerate it a little. At times he's aware and responding and other times Hes not. He's still in a great amount of pain. I'm getting things together to head back to Madison soon. Im physically exhausted and hurting my fibromyalgia is flared up from stress and wish I had another day home to just sleep but I know he needs me. Just praying I can keep myself going.

Oct 25th
Update: Sat. Evening.

My mom and I returned to Madison this afternoon and checked back into the Super 8 near St. Mary's. The hotel has been very nice to us and we are getting a hospital discount for this week again.

Scott heard my voice as I went into his room and lifted his head. I went over to his side and held his hand while he looked at me a few secs and I told him I love him, he tried to mouth I love you over the tubes of his ventilator. Today is one of many days to come of 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It's a waiting game now as his body tried to get back to normal.

Later in the evening he woke again and became very uncomfortable and in pain. The nurse and I worked to make him comfortable and decipher what he needed and wanted with his head shakes yes or no and shrug of shoulders for maybe. Took out the braid in his hair and massaged his neck and back of head which seemed to help his pain along with a ice pack. We teased him about having to cut his hair and he was very much shaking his head no at that suggestion lol. I can only imagine how much it is bothering him to lay flat. On top of the trauma and pain of surgery they also have to manage his chronic pain of his neck and back injuries.

During one of the times when the pain medication was wearing off I was holding his hand and telling him it be ok, he shook his head no and looked at me as he mouthed I don't think so. I just about started crying and told him yes it will be we can do this together.

He is doing good on the feeding tube that is going directly down his throat to tummy. He has been able to tolerate it well today so he is now getting some nutrition which should build his strength. Hes lifting his head really good which is the first time I have seen him do that he was too weak before.

It's more then difficult for me to watch them take care of him. All the constant monitoring for infection etc. Him waking up coughing or trying to as they suction him out. He gets oral hygiene, wipe downs, changes of tubes, moved every two hours or more. It's like he is a invalid right now. He moves in and out of consciousness and when he is awake it's brief and pain filled.

Continued prayers for no infections, so far his lung cultures are coming back with no bacteria but he continues to get low grade fevers. Also for his mind. We know that he can reconquise me and familiar people and seems to answer or know some of what we ask at times but there is still questions to how he will be when he gets the point of being more alert.

I'm trying to hang in there but exhaustion and things with my own health issues are starting to plague me. We have a long road ahead of us and I need to continue to be strong for him. My plan is to rest more at hotel this week as long as there is nothing major medically going on. I want to be at hospital cause I can give him comfort and knowing that someone is there when he does wake, I get anxious when I'm not there but I got to take care of me too. I am thankful I can call the nurse line and get updates at any time. The staff in the ICU have been wonderful.

Oct
Sunday update: Got a call this morning from hospital that Scott was more alert, talking some cause they where able to take the ventilator out. Talk about going into shock. Yesterday they said it take at least another few days. This man never ceases to amaze me.  Last night the respitory lady came in and I asked her a bunch of questions as to how does the process of getting it off work?  I swear he was listening lol.  The nurse this morning thought to try turning machine down and see how he did.  Well he did excellent so he is now off ventilator since this morning. It's a real miracle he is off it.

He has developed a lung infection so is on antibiotics, breathing treatments, and Been coughing all day all the crap out.

His left leg is a concern. Severe pain in it so did test for clot was negative.  He may have nerve damage he has to see pt.

He's talking very hoarse and loopy on meds,  giving him things to clear that,  so he was making me laugh at some of what he said.

First thing he said to me was hey baby, you won't believe what I've been through. Then I love you, want kiss. He grabbed me later held my hand tight said he isn't going anywhere he fighting. He told me he had died, that he had fight for soul and what had happened was a spiritual journey. He made my mom and I laugh so hard later when he wanted to know who was playing with him cause nurse was adjusting his catheter tube,  I told him what was happening then he says oh OK I thought someone was having fun with me lol.  Later I told him it was Sunday he asked about packers told him no play today, also said it was almost time for the walking dead and he was animate he didn't want to miss it so I found it on TV and watched it with him.

He couldn't get enough ice chips. When I left tonight he told me to tell nurse to keep on top ice chips or he die.  He was very animated about ice chips.

He's very weak. They have a speech therapist coming to evaluate his throat and if all good he can try eat soft foods tomorrow.

I'm so exhausted from being by his side helping him with ice chips, coughing,  spit removal,  rubbing his leg etc.  Im going straight to sleep. Want to be back before 9am rounds where they go over how he is.

Thanksgiving Loss

Getting ready for my tonsil surgery past week. Wasn't feeling the best and noticed I was late and some symptoms. Took a pregnancy test negative, waited another two days and took another saw a faint second line. Called my RE did a blood test day before thanksgiving. Beta of a 29. Very low for what should of been around 5-6weeks so I knew that it probably not last so I didn't get excited. By Friday morning I had some bleeding and the beta that day came back at 11. Another chemical pregnancy. I have a feeling my body attacked the embryo which is why I was so sick for a few days and rejected it again. I don't think I ever will have success. Think this is about the end for us. This is mc 5 that I know of. Good chance I would not of even known this time around other then I recognized the symptoms, otherwise life would of gone on and I would of just though my period was late, never knowing I was really pregnant then not. :(

Delay...

Monday I had my ENT Specialist Apt. Had a camera put down my nose was real fun. The Dr. said my tonsils are very big, the right one especially, he recommends taking them out. I also have a deviated septum in my nose. He is going to do a CT scan of my head sinus's and take a look at the whole picture see if there is anything else that he can do or fix while I have surgery to do my tonsils. So after that happens we will plan out the surgery date. 

I guess as a adult the recover from tonsils is harder more painful takes about a month. He said most patients lose some weight cause your on cold or soft foods. The biggest risk is bleeding as your tonsils have a ton of tiny blood vessels. I picked a good Dr. as he is one of the few in WI that does adult surgeries on tonsils. But he said after recovery all the swallow and pain in my throat issues and even being able to breathe better if we do my nose will go away. 

The bad part is I don't know if I can do my FET now this year. Depends on when surgery happens and how soon I recover. Have to be at least two weeks out so I am off all pain meds and out of the risk of bleeding so I can do blood thinner shots with the FET. 

I'm pretty down feeling a little depressed and scared to do surgery the pain of it all and down cause I wanted this last chance to be a mom but I know I have to feel better do the tonsils that is more important. Been kinda quiet and withdrawn right now, I know it's not good but this time of the year is so hard on me it's when I had all my MC too. 

If I don't do my FET this year I don't think it will happen as financially coming up with the money next year to reach our insurance out of pocket would be almost impossible. It's really frustrating that I don't have more time this year to deal with this all.

November 5th is my CT Scan then from the results we set up surgery, tonsils come out, maybe do my deviated septum and sinus too at same time depending on the CT results. Then a month of recovery. 
November 6th I see a new Hemotologist for my blood clotting disorder. I had that set up to go over Lovenox monitoring during my FET which now looks to be on hold but I'm still going to find out long term effects of having the two clotting issues. 

Just praying that things go quickly then maybe we can do the FET we planned for November in December and get that one last chance in. Not sure how to stay positive I'll ever be a mom but I'm not seeing any light at the end of this long long journey. 

What about infertility scares you the most?

When I first started this journey I had many fears, fears of never being a mom, fears that my husband would be disappointed in me etc. As time went on I was scared to mc again and now I am dealing with being older and fears of doing one last try and wondering if this is what I want now at this time after feeling peaceful without, like opening a can of emotional worms all over again.

Final FET Attempt update

Had our consult on Friday with my RE for our final FET. The plan is to go as natural as possible, follow my cycle, do a trigger then transfer. Not wanting to do bc, lupron etc. We may skip estrogen too and just do progesterone shots.

I am down to 189 lost 40lbs so maybe that will help some who knows. It's really at this point a crap shoot in my mind being this is our 8th attempt at transfer.

But before I can do that I have to get in to a new hemotologist for my blood clotting disorder as I will have to be on lovenox shots again and my family Dr. physical visit showed my tonsils are more swollen then ever so a visit to a ear, nose and throat Dr. to see if it's time to finally remove them.

So still a few things to go yet and if we do this FET has to be completed by end of the year in order for insurance to pay for it. Still mixed feelings about doing one last try and being older parents but we don't want to waste our embryo's either. Continuing to pray about it all. Little nervous if my tonsils have to come out. Everything else like my thyroid and stuff all check out great to go.

UPDATE

Thought I'd share a little update as I have not written in here for awhile ...
Just found out my husband needs hernia surgery has two of them and will be out of work again for a month. So arranging for that and how we will deal as he just has surgery last year. Then our furnace is on the blitz think it's maybe the fan on it have someone coming to look at it Tues. So tons of stuff we are not prepared to deal with financially so a little stressed. The only good out of it all is we should meet our out of pocket max with this surgery and if I can work it in yet this year I can do our last FET with our 2 frozen and get it paid in full. Trying to look at that little bright light lol. I don't have a ton of hope it will work but there is a little glimmer it might. Be our last try as I don't think after 12 yrs me going on 41 and already going through all I have including 4 full fresh IVF and 2 Frozen if I want to do anymore. It has all taken a toll on my body over time not to mention my emotions. I am so nervous to do one last try. So please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. Thanks :)

CD1 - Natural Cycle #5

AF arrived again. Seems like it will never happen for us. Each time a cycle fails it's grieving all over again, it's been so hard with no happy ending in site. This time I feel so angry about it all. I am sure once AF is over I'll be ok but I have to take a few days to get it all out. All we can do is try again.

Cd3-7 Femara 7.5mg
CD7-11 Follistim 100mg
10mg predisone
Cd5Lovenox shots
Estradiol
Crinone after O

CD1 - Natural Cycle #4

Another month another BFN. Even though we did no meds last month was still hopeful maybe it work. One good thing is my cycle was on track around 29 days between as in the past it was much longer so I am more regular now. Hate AF it's just another reminder of another failed cycle and no pregnancy again. Will be doing femara though this month and give it another go. Still don't have enough saved for a last FET which sucks, just wish we could get back to a RE. Oh well guess we keep trying and praying.

CD1 - Natural Cycle #3

CD1 - on to another cycle. Month 3 of ttc on our own. Decided to take a break this month from the femara and then go for it next month with femara/follistim combo. Just want to get enough saved to get one last FET with our two frozen but feeling hopeless it will ever happen.

CD 1- Natural Cycle #2

CD1 - Started to get a tiny bit of hope that just maybe our ttc on our own had worked again. Was on CD36 and was going to test if I got to CD40 but I started spotting and cramping this afternoon so AF is here. :(

Will see about trying one more month on meds yet. 

"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."

2/18 - CD3 started in on 7.5mg of femara again tonight for 5 days. Giving it another go. :) Plan to start in on O strips a little earlier this time than CD11 keep track of when I O better.  

3/20 - BFN on to a new cycle

CD1 - Natural Cycle #1

AF decided to show up late last night with it brought the finalization that things did not work again and I am still infertile. I think I have had to take time to grieve this loss right now been in such a fog this past week it's been hard to function and continue life as normal.

My dh and I been talking a lot on what to do going forward think we have decided to give it a try on our own again this month. Take some Femara 7.5mg on days 3-10 again and BD use pre-seed etc and just see. Figure I still have the intralipids in my system and can stay on 10mg of predisone.

The biggest concern is my PAI-1 levels are high and my RI wants me to stay on blood thinner shots till they come down. In the past failed cycles they just had me stop them but this time they said stay on them. I asked for a explanation on why but have yet to get one as I am concerned what this means for my health long term if I will have to always be monitored for this clotting disorder and make sure the numbers are normal or be on blood thinner shots. I may have to go in and talk to my family Dr. if my RI does not answer those questions.

I am sure once AF is over and I've had this time to grieve and cry and get it all out I can move on. Am trying my best to remain hopeful that God still has a plan somewhere for us to be parents somehow.

1/17 - Day 4 of 7.5 mg of femara. Other than a few headaches I have not noticed any side effects. Still on 10mg of predisone and doing lovenox each day. Will be testing my PAI-1 again next week to see if levels are going down.

My husband had to go back to work today. We where not planning on this as he is still on restrictions from his shoulder surgery but I guess his managers think there is things he can do at work. Makes it harder for him to keep up with his PT and recovery not to mention gas money now to go back and forth to work when he still will only be getting 40hrs till he is off all restrictions. All he is doing is paperwork for next week. Doesn't make sense to us why they just did not extend his disability and keep him off for another 4 weeks. Hopefully he won't be too tired out to BD this month. We also had to delay the foster care meeting till March with him going back to work now.

Life still seems to be standing still, doing my best to keep busy. Been working on our tax stuff getting medical bills all together hard to believe what we spent last year and all the miles but still empty arms.

1/23 - CD12 FX that maybe something good will happen this month, been doing ovulation strips and it's been years since I've done them and past two days they have had two lines so not sure if the OS are working for me will keep taking them next few days and see, Got busy just in case guess all we can do is try and pray and see if God will listen.


1/26 - Well it's on to the 2WW so to say. Not feeling to good on our chances this month as my husband got sick and was not up to BDing more than once on O day. Was frustrated about it all but nothing I could do. Just is our bad luck that we've both been really healthy then he gets sick now when it was time to try. I think we argued more about this than anything last year doing treatments. Told him just put it in a cup at least I can bast it in myself. I know it was bad, he's sick and I am not feeling much better and I should be more understanding but it was hard to be when we finally had two lines on the O stick and I took medication etc. Can't ttc on my own.

Today was not a good day either. I found out my 15yr old Goddaughter has gone missing. She went to school last Thursday and never came home. They think she ran away as her makeup and stuff was gone. I guess she has been having some serious issues with skipping school and tried to shoplift. She used to be such a good kid but all kinds of stuff happened with her family and her mom going to jail that is so messed her up now. Tried to be there for her but going through all this infertility and Dr. stuff I was so wiped out myself emotionally and physically I had nothing left. I am so upset she is missing as she is like our daughter and knowing she is out there who knows where with who knows who is causing me so much stress. Praying so hard she returns and we can somehow help her.

Life has not been much easier on me, emotionally I feel myself slipping in a hole of darkness and hibernating most days just hiding in a book and reading and hoping I would wake up and it be a bad dream and we really are pregnant and the nursery is really not empty. This is harder then I ever imagined it, I know there is others who's dreams have ended too but I always thought God would pull out a miracle for us. I keep praying He will show us what to do now and feel like I don't have any answers. 

BFN! 

Moving On ...

So there is a foster to adopt meeting on Jan 23rd that we think we are going to register for - Scott is going to go into work and put in for that day off work in case he goes back by then (he's been off recovering from shoulder surgery) as it's a morning meeting and it's in Appleton WI which is at least a hour and half from us drive. Talked and we at least want to see if it's anything we could do foster adopt but we do know it have to be a child without sever disabilities and pretty normal as it be too much to care for a child with issues so I don't know if foster to adopt is anything for us or not but at least if we go to the meeting we would find out.

I know we have went to many adoption meetings at agencies in the past and we know that it is impossible for us to adopt that way as it can be 10 to 30k to adopt and that not be something we can come up with. Foster Adopt is low cost or free it be a older child or sibling group. Guess all we can do is go to the meeting and see if it's anything for us or not. 

Other than that I've been wracking my brain on how we could save the money needed to do one final FET with our 2 frozen or go to a new clinic and do another fresh IVF. I say new cause I am not happy with how our old clinic stimmed me this last time and I feel they could of done better to have gotten more mature eggs.  Only issue is time is not on my side being 40 now it have to be done this year and as soon as possible. We still have some of our lifetime coverage left with our insurance but we would have to come up with the first $6800 again not easy to do at all. Started listed anything I can for sale but not getting any hits on any of it. Still saving in our HSA but most will go to my dh recover from his shoulder surgery as he is still doing PT and out of work yet.

Our only other options is to keep trying on our own but in 11 yrs we only got preg on our own twice and then mc so the hope that would work is slim. I got some leftover femara though sitting here that we can try this next month after AF comes. With the meds still in my system from this last IVF maybe a chance. At least this time I know if it does work to call my RI and start blood thinners immediately.

I'd like not to think we will never be parents but it's hitting us hard that this is the reality we are now facing. Not going to give up though going to do everything we can to keep trying. I don't believe this is the end of our story!

If anyone wants to help us out we have our fundraiser page located at this link  40% of what is sold goes to our IVF fund. 

Also still selling encouraging items on my Hoping Believing Waiting site.

IVF#4 BFN

Didn't want to go do my beta yesterday as we now have to start paying for everything being a new year but my dh thought it be good to make sure as I've had a few chemicals that did not show up till blood work. RE called this morning with the news it was negative, I already knew it was going to be but hearing it was the final blow. Broke down in tears this morning. I had worried about mc again doing our cycles last year and didn't think I'd have to worry that we would never get pregnant again not even have a chance to keep a pregnancy this time. I had really thought with the help of the RI my body was going to work. Everything looked so good this last time, I know my embryo's where not top notch but they where a lot better then some and many go on to get preg with one's not even as good. Mad at myself that I didn't transfer more than 3 maybe that would of made a difference. Mad at my body for refusing to work right, Mad at God for not healing me and allowing life to happen.

I keep asking God WHY? I don't want to hear people's answers of well because, or it's God's will etc. that does not help and makes me lose my faith even more. I do wonder if God really is as actively involved in our lives as people tell you He is or if He is more hands off and just lets things happen. I don't know anymore all I do know is the feeling of devastation we both feel right now. Seeing your husband cry cause he feels the same pain and knowing it's your fault you could not get pregnant does not help one feel any better. (not that my dh blames me at all, it's me though that has the infertility issue so I feel responsible)

I wish finances was not a issue for us and we could pick up and go to a new clinic and try again. Being 40 now time is not on my side and we'd have to do it now but we put everything we had into our try's and testing this past year. I am trying what I can to sell some items to raise funds but it's not going to well. Out of ideas, out of time, out of hope at this point. :(

IVF#4 7DP5DT

Had a bad night, not been feeling well upset tummy from acid reflux and wondering if my elevated wbc is causing issues too. Did pregnancy test this morning as by now if things had worked I should get a positive. Well it was negative, 1 line punch to the gut to just emphasize I am broken, that I will never be a mom, that it didn't matter how many shots, meds, procedures, money etc. my body is not going to be healed and made whole. My embryo's are lost once again never implanted, never made it, dead. Dead just like how I feel inside. Infertility is one cruel disease it's taken everything from me.


We spend a lot of time
trying to
dance in the rain,
sing in the rain,
smile in the rain...
but sometimes we just need
to let the rain fall
and feel it on our skin.

I sure want to know God how these promises below from your word that I kept close to my heart are true cause I don't see them. I've asked, I've pleaded, I've done all the medical stuff I can do on my part and nothing but mc, failed implantation, over 11 years of torture and sadness, if these verses are true then were where you God?...We had so many people pray for us and tell us that God wanted us to have a child, they told us thing like we would have one around Christmas or conceive around that time, that they saw a baby in my uterus, that I just needed to claim the word etc. Why did you give these people words when it was untrue. How can I even go on having faith? You knew that we could not adopt we have no finances to do so that this was our only option why did you not use it to bless us?

Jesus said, “Keep asking, and God will give you your heart’s desire. Keep searching, and He will reveal Himself to you. Keep knocking, and God will throw His door wide open to you.” ~Matthew 7:7 (Randy Reed Paraphrased Version)

Lord, I beg You, hear my prayers; but more than that, listen to the groanings of my heart—my unspoken sadness. In the din of my distress I cry out to my King, “I need Your help, God!” The first thing every morning, I lay out the broken pieces of my life before You; then I wait for You to speak to my heart, Lord. ~Psalm 5:1-3

Psalm 130:5 - I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I hope.

"Commit your work to the Lord, and then your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. Habakkuk 2:3   

For I know the plans I have for you', declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 

I told my dh that I feel like he should of married someone else not some barren broken woman who can't conceive. In most cultures I'd be thrown away by now worthless. Being a mom is all I ever wanted since I was a child myself, to teach a young life, to snuggle a precious baby, to grow old and see the next generation but now I will be alone someday and there really is no purpose to me being here. I've never succeed at anything in this life, I've given many things a good effort but nothing has ever worked in my favor to be something of any purpose of being alive. My dh says I have to care for, that thought doesn't help me, to just have housework to look forward to every day ya that helps me. I guess it's over now unless by some miracle we win the lottery to afford to do one last FET with our two frozen but I know that is not going to happen. I've already borrowed, sold off, saved and spend everything we had on this last year's efforts. I don't know how to move on I don't know if I can. My dh said it best today, we don't need a break from ttc we needed a baby! 

IVF#4 6DP5DT

How is my day? NUMB that about sums it up. I feel numb, I am numb. My hope that anything happened this time is gone. I've had no real signs, I feel normal. All I've been through to just get another bfn. I don't know why I even tried. I don't know how to go on .... we have nothing to put towards another try and age is not on my side anymore. Life is one cruel joke.

IVF#4 5DP5DT

My message from Dr. Kwak-Kim office today ...
"Results from 12/19 show PAI-1 level at greater than 200 (target range 4-43). This could be an affect of the intralipids. Continue with lovenox twice daily. Increase Metformin to 2000mg daily. To do this, increase dose to 1500mg for 3 days and if tolerating increase to 2000mg. Repeat PAI-1 levels in 2 weeks. Results from 12/30 are as follows: Thyroid function is all normal. CBC is showing your WBC is increased futher to 22.6 - Are you taking neupogen?"

They make me confused cause they know I am already on 2,000mg of metformin have been for several years and I have no idea what neupogen is it's not a drug I am on. They have my list of current medications so it's just frustrating they would tell me to up something etc. makes me feel like they didn't even know my chart. So now I am concerned that something is wrong. They want me to repeat it all in 2 weeks and do a urine culture but I told them only if I get a positive pregnancy test otherwise we are done for now and I'll just be weaning off meds and paying for more labs is just getting too much for us.

Not feeling too positive today struggling to think that things will work out in our favor. Our due date if this one works would be Sept. 16, 2014. Close to our 13th wedding anniversary.



How much longer will you forget me, LORD? Forever? How much longer will you hide yourself from me? How long must I endure trouble? How long will sorrow fill my heart day and night? How long will my enemies triumph over me? Look at me, O LORD my God, and answer me. Restore my strength; don't let me die. -Psalm 13:1-3

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Jesus (Mat 11:28)

IVF#4 4DP5DT

Not much new to report. Extreme tiredness today but I know from the past it could just be all the hormone supplements they have me taking messing with me. Spent most of the day sleeping and resting was nice to have a down day with nothing that had to get done or no where we had to be at. It's also really cold here in WI so I was glad to stay inside.

Devotions during the wait:

The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking Him in spite of trials, and trusting Him in the midst of it all!

Some scriptures from a friend - made me reflect to not lose heart. 
Galatians 6:9 
Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.
1 Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.
Hebrews 12:2-3
fixing our eyes on Jesus, the [b]author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary [c]and lose heart. 

IVF#4 3DP5DT (New Years Day)

Our New Years Day consisted of our annual family get-together. Was a great day we got asked to be godparents again to the newest addition Laila Marie. We are very happy to have another Godkid to spoil. It helps fill the emptiness but still makes us yearn for one of our own even more. The wait is hard especially when you are keeping it to yourself this time. All I can do is continue to pray! 

 

Our godkids photo from today - Me, Baby Laila, James, Rachel, Colleen and my husband Scott

Our godkids - Colleen, Rachel, baby Laila, James

My Family, Nephew Elisha, Brother Tim, Scott, Me, My Mom Christine, My Aunt Maxine

IVF#4 2DP5DT

New Years Eve. Had a fun day at the movies saw The Hobbit then we got out in time and decided to do 47 Ronin too - loved them both - then went and had dinner at Ponderosa New Years Buffet, ate tons of crab legs lol. Scott's friend Joe came with us was nice. 

Bummer is my back is killing me now from sitting and the cold, in a ton of pain. It is so cold here it's making my fibro flare up bad and I can only take tylenol for it too :( Going to bed. not staying up till midnight, as we have to be at my mom's in the morning for our Christmas get-together. Tried not to think about the what ifs today but it was hard. I feel down, worried that nothing is happening again. 

I think of all I have gone through this past year the journey of ttc, testing, apt. procedures, etc. My hips are hurting from the PIO and my leg where I stabbed myself this morning, my tummy is black and blue and sore, I am bloated/swollen from all the Predisone I can hardly fit into my jeans and all I can think is this is it, can it just be time now God please! I had thought at the end of 2013 we would of had a better year. 

I can not but help to think of our baby Uri we lost last year and how he/she would of been almost 6 months now had our first holiday season together. I had told myself after that loss that it was ok cause by the end of this year I'd be pregnant again but it did not work that way. 2014 needs to be a better year and needs to be our time! I so yearn to feel that joy I had for but a brief few weeks again and I don't want to let my husband down again, please God not again, please let this year be a start of something wonderful for us. PLEASE hear our prayers!

IVF#4 1DP5DT

Got my lab results today from Dr. K from 12/19 visit.

Chemistry and Thyroid function are normal CBC is showing elevated White blood count of 15.3. Vitamin D level is low at 27.9 NKs 50:1 is elevated at 26.0 (target range less than 15); %CD56 is elevated at 15.3 (target range less than 12) Th1:Th2 TNF is elevated at 40.7 (target range 13.2 - 30.6); IFN is normal at 15.0 (target range 5.8 - 20.5)

She wants me to up my VIT D to 4,000 IU a day will have to go get some more today as I was doing 2,000 IU. Stay on 30mg of predisone, 2 lovenox a day and repeat CBC. I told them it have to be done today as after the end of the year I am not doing all those labs can not afford it.

I hope the intralipids lowered those numbers for the killer cells as this was done the day after I did them and then I did a second one too. It can take around 10 days for them to work.

The sad news of today is no embryo's to freeze today none where good enough to do so and they only freeze if expanded blasts. I wish I would of put my foot down and done the 4 yesterday, it may haunt me forever if this one fails again. So all we got is the two we left frozen and what we transferred yesterday. 

I feel pretty numb today like I am in a dream that we even did transfer yesterday. Probably my way of protecting my emotions right now. I know others have gotten pregnant on embryo's not half as good I just hope this time works cause this is it for any fresh IVF's for us.