IVF#4 Transfer Day

It's Time

Today was the big day. I woke up feeling excited that after yesterday's embryo report just maybe things would be better this cycle then in the past when we got to the clinic. We had to be on the road by 5am to get there in time. When we arrived all the lights where out and we wondered if they had told us the wrong time but a nurse came to the door and let us in. Took us back to the surgery rooms and I got changed into a gown etc. waiting for the Dr. to come in and let me know what kind of embryo's we have this morning to work with. Also had to keep drinking to fill my bladder.

When Dr. P came in the news was not as we had wished, prayed and hoped for. The excitement of the morning went away to only feelings of dread and stress. Yesterday we had 5 promising compact morula's growing. By this morning only 1 had made it to a full blastocyst and the rest where only almost full blastocysts. My heart sank and tears began to well up. Why us again, what is wrong with me, what is wrong with my body, my eggs, my life. I feel like such a defect and have all my life. It's so unfair that my husband has had to be saddled with a wife who can't give him kids and can't even produce excellent embryo's. After all I did from diet, to weight loss, to extra daily supplements, thousands of shots in my stomach, hours of trips in the car, tons of money and all we get is a report that our embryo's really don't have the promise they had thought would be there today. I know a lot can change from day 4 to 5 but I had so prayed this be not the case this time.

We had to decide how many to transfer and what we wanted to do. Our options where 3 where best in our RE's opinion, she kept saying that over 3 has been shown in studies to put off more proteins that may prohibit implantation. Other option was to wait a few hours and let them defrost our two frozen and use those two and the 1 full blast from the fresh. My gut was to do 4 of the fresh all week if they where not of the quality we wanted. My husband and I debated for a good 20min on what to do. If we used the frozen and none went to freeze this cycle then it was over we had no more try's, as we know this will be my last fresh cause of my age. And we did 5 of our 7 frozen in FET's earlier this year and nothing happened. So we crossed that off and decided we did a fresh because the statistics are that it's better, I wanted the 4, my dh said 3 (even though he agreed to 4-5 on the way to the clinic), I gave up and said fine do 3. Hours later I am still a little upset as I really wanted to do 4. Nothing I can do about it now, I felt pressured not to.

I am pretty scared that the quality is not good again and nothing will take or another mc will happen. I think being through this now for the 6th time and knowing what can and can not happen weighs heavy on a person. The first IVF we where so optimistic and had no idea now 2 1/2 yrs later all has changed. I do know that with the blood clotting disorder and immune issues addressed that at least maybe if one try's to take this time we may have a higher chance of not mc. I wish I had not waited so long to do IVF that we had known it was even a option 10yrs ago but back then I just had a obgyn and he not once mentioned I see a RE or do special testing and I had no idea about a specialist. I feel we have waited to long at 40 and with embryo's that did not make it to expanded or hatching there is slim chance for us.

The transfer part went well as always. Scott had to put on his bunny suit as they call it and our blue smurf hats, masks etc. We get to watch on the ultrasound screen as they insert the tube and the embryo's go in. The lab tech checks the tube to make sure all 3 came out and none got left in there. Had to joke with the lab tech or as they call him the expensive babysitter that here we where once again. I didn't do acupuncture this time around. We didn't really have the extra to have her come and do a session and the transfer being so early in the morning it would of made it difficult to have done it. Instead after I just laid there for 30min and rested before I got dressed and left.

We still have embryo's growing the lab yet at least 2 - 5 but they are not sure if they will make it to freeze tomorrow they would have to drastically improve to do so. All we have now after this is our 2 frozen from Sept. 2011 maybe one more chance at a FET if we can ever come up with the money to do so.Which is a big IF.

The Valium this time around made me very sleepy, we stopped and had breakfast at our place Gus dinner but I promptly feel asleep on the drive home and crawled in bed most of the rest of the day to rest. 

I have so many more fears this time around knowing we are down to the last try. It can be hard for others to understand who have not gone through so many failed IVF's or have seen miracles happen for them. I do what I can to stay positive and believe this will work as best as one can in my shoes. It is hard to explain in words how I feel, this 2ww til Jan 8th beta will be extremely difficult for me. I am not a person to cry and break down but this has brought me to it. I see so many new lives and families happening all around me to never feel life in me again, to never hold a baby of our own, to teach them, help them grow, to never have this is not what was suppose to happen, this was not our happy ending. Life has been a struggle for me all my life. One gets weary of struggle and pushing and hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. Had a talk with the nurse and stuff at the clinic while waiting for transfer on adoption and all the other ups and downs that brings and how difficult that is and almost impossible in this day and age especially for people like us with no funds and can't do it. Why is good people who just want to be a mom and dad who try to live a good life do what is right struggle and then others bang there pregnant, nor do they care to be pregnant or want a kid. I wonder all the time why God allows this and where is he. I kept telling Him this week if miracles happen then show me in my life and make something happen for us to help my faith if nothing else. I don't know if I will even be able to continue to minister to others dealing with infertility if this does not work for us, it's become really hard to see how happy everyone is who goes on to have babies and some on second babies and us empty arms year after year, how does one continue to provide hope to others when you feel no hope or feel God did not listen. I know my purpose should not be all wrapped up in being a parent or not but for me it has been for a long time, I don't have a career, a meaningful job, etc. I just have my desire for family. With that option taken away I don't know why I am here? I've told my dh that working with kids is not a option for me either that I've done that in the past but now it be too hurtful seeing families and not having even the hope of having one. Foster care maybe ok if we can do it to adopt just unsure if they would even except us. Infertility has taken from me joy and I don't think it will ever come back. I hate what it has done to me, and our marriage and my life!

I didn't really take any pics today of us at the clinic was not feeling up to it. I did get some pics of our embryo's and them going in that I can share below. Just pray for us that God hears us finally and not just with another mc but a successful pregnancy. My heart just can't take another failure!

Beta is Jan. 8th but I am unsure if I will do the blood work unless I get a positive HPT first.

little blue arrow shows the white area of the embryo's going in the uterus

our 3 embryo's and ultrasound pic of them going in

Full Blast - was the best one out of the bunch

early blast

early blast

Trying to hold on to His promises: 

Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart. And God's peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7

"If miracles really happen then can one happen for us God?" - patiently waiting

"God's favor will cause things to fall into place for you, even when the odds are against you!"

Jesus said, “Keep asking, and God will give you your heart’s desire. Keep searching, and He will reveal Himself to you. Keep knocking, and God will throw His door wide open to you.” ~Matthew 7:7 (Randy Reed Paraphrased Version)
 

Isaiah 40:31 Amplified Bible (AMP)
31 But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

IVF Cycle Comparisons:

#1 Cycle: 32 eggs - 20 fertilized and were mature - Day 5 Transfer of 1 full blastocyst and 1 almost. 2 blastocysts on day 6 frozen - Results: Chemical pregnancy/miscarriage

#2 Cycle: 18 eggs - 14 where mature and I think it was like 10-12 that fertilized - Day 5 transfer 3 almost blastocysts transferred on day 5 - none made it to day 6 to freeze - Results:BFN

#3 Cycle: 28 eggs - 20 mature  and fertilized - Day 5 transfer of 3 blastocysts 2 where expanded and 1 full  - Froze 5 on day 6 - Results: Chemical Pregnancy/miscarriage 

#4 Cycle: 29 eggs - 10 mature and 11 fertilized - 8 where doing well all week but day of transfer only 1 was full and rest early blasts. Day 5 Transferred 3 1 full and 2 early blasts.  Results - ? Freeze - ?

FET Cycles

#1 Transferred 2 Blasts - BFN

#2 Transferred 3 Blasts - BFN