IVF#4 getting the ball rolling

Yesterday my husband and I went and had our blood work up done at the local lab. We had to repeat all the infectious diseases tests and my TSH and AMH had to be done.

AF also showed up late last night so today is CD 1. I will be doing some more labs FSH on CD 3 Thurs. so we can apply to our insurance to see if we can get coverage for PGS Genetic Testing of our embryo's. I called my insurance yesterday on a whim to see if they cover it as without coverage it's over 5k to get done and they said I have to send in day 3 blood work and medical notes/records from my RE as to why it would be necessary to do the PGS testing and then a nurse looks it over and decides if they will grant coverage so I am going to try for it.

PGS generally refers to the screening of chromosomes for aneuploidy (an abnormal number of chromosomes). PGS is the term used more often by reproductive endocrinologists when discussing infertility with couples struggling with issues involving age, repeated in vitro fertilization (IVF) failures, recurring miscarriages, or having had pregnancies that were genetically abnormal.

Today I talked with our clinics IVF cord. and set up a apt with my RE on Friday at 11am for a consult about the fresh IVF go over a plan what we can do different or better than last times,really want to make sure we have the best plan for me having PCOS and embryo quality this time around, talk about the genetic testing options and doing the karyotyping blood work too. I feel good about doing this as I have hardly been able to see or talk to my reg RE during my FET's as he was out for medical reasons then seemed really busy. I think sitting down and going over a plan will be good and set my mind at ease.

Then next Friday the 15th I will have the Sonohystogram done. It's one of the requirements to do a fresh IVF and I have not had one done in 2 years. My RI also recommended I get one done if the last FET failed to make sure the small cyst she keeps seeing is nothing of a issue. My RE felt it was not so we will see what it reveals. I hope nothing bad or that delay everything for us. I am not looking forward to going through the procedure again it's not pleasant. I think most of what I've had to do is not pleasant but one finds the strength within to endure and push through the parts that suck cause you want to achieve the dream so badly.

We will then induce a period earlier with medications sometime after that so I can get a fresh IVF done before Dec. 31st. Or at least that is what me and the IVF cord talked about will see what my RE wants to do. Will have to be firm with him as we have to do this and complete the transfer by that date or we can't at all. Our insurance starts all over on Jan 1st and coming up with everything out of pocket again is not in the cards for us at this time. This IVF is our last shot. We said we would go till we had nothing left and this is kinda it for us. I need a good plan and everything to work out right this time, a happy ending.

Going to be tricky fitting this all in this week. My husbands shoulder surgery is Wed. His first pt is Friday at 7:30am is at least an hour long. I got to drive him to that then will have to drive to my RE place (1 1/2hr one way) after that to be there by 11am. Praying God helps me drive and the weather is good clear roads cause I am not a driver will be a challenge for me.

Kinda ok with waiting as there is a lot going on right now to be starting stims. Gives us time with my dh surgery for me to concentrate on that for a bit first, take care of him while he recovers and my body a little break. May also be able to get down to chicago too to consult with Dr. K my RI before the fresh IVF starts to get her ideas on things. That one I can't drive to so will have to see how my dh feels after surgery and go from there on when to make the apt. to do that trip.

Thinking I will do a detox too get all the crap out of me before the next round begins of meds. My dh wants to do it with me so that will help. Be good if I lost the weight I put back on doing our FET's before IVF starts. 

Still a lot of things that have to go right in order to do this IVF. All my labs have to come back ok. The sono has to be clear too. So please keep praying for us. 

IVF#4

Guess it is on to our final fresh IVF cycle. Since it's been 2 yrs since our last fresh cycle we have to repeat all the testing. I find it odd that it's ok to do FET's but when you want to go to a fresh they want you and your husband to do the infections disease screening again before you can start. I have to check my AMH levels and TSH/Thyroid (which I have been doing last few weeks during FET so that one I just had faxed to my clinic). Hopefully we can get to the lab on Monday and get our blood taken for the labs they want done on us. I also have to have a Sonohysterogram ultrasound around day 5 after AF shows up. Hopefully we can still start stimming in the same month or it won't work to get it all in before the end of the year which it has to as we can't afford to start all over with our deduct etc.

My RI also wants me to come back to chicago and have a apt. to talk over the failed FET's and plan going forward. I will wait to do that though until we make sure we can do the fresh IVF and have a calendar going.

It's going to be tricky doing this all as my husband goes in for shoulder surgery on Nov. 6th and he is my driver so for awhile he will have to be my helper/passenger as I have to drive to my RE clinic and he can direct me as I am bad at how to get places and deal with driving anxiety. I won't drive to Chicago that he will have to do and I'll just have to help him shift into park, drive etc. At least he will be off work so we won't have to worry about that.

Still have a lot that has to come together very soon to do this while we still have insurance coverage. The labs, (being ok as far as my AMH and having enough egg reserve), then AF has to come in the next few days but not till like Tuesday so my Sono ultrasound won't fall on the day my husband has surgery or the day after and my husband being ok while recovering from surgery to be there for me and me for him through the IVF and him recovering and healing.

Will be a challenge but then what else is new, our lives are always a challenge and this is our last shot right now so prayerfully God will work it all out, I am not going to stress about it and giving it to him. Things may not work to do a fresh or they will come together and it will, just will have to see what happens in the next few days.

Please continue to pray for us and the fulfillment of God's promise in our lives. I felt God speak to me to prepare my heart, my home over 10yrs ago to become a parent. We went through a lot of stuff dealing with our past, having a nursery partially set up, doing all the medial things to find out what was causing my infertility. I don't feel I was wrong that God spoke to me to prepare to get myself ready .... sometimes I wonder though why after 5 transfers and many years of ttc on our own it still has not happened for us. Been praying for God to show me anything else that needs to be dealt with so he can bless us and heal me of this disease.

FET#2 BFN

FET#2 has come to a close with another negative beta. It was a extremely difficult day as I had thought just maybe it had worked. I have to call our clinic tomorrow and see where we go from here to set up a fresh IVF cycle. Will be our last attempt. Right now I have pretty much lost all hope I will ever be a mom. We will give it one last shot but so far it seems my body or our embryo's are just not working right even with all the extra help. Only thing we have not done is Karyotyping or genetic testing. I think I will ask about it tomorrow.We don't have the option to adopt it's just not something we can afford so this is it for us either IVF works or if not we keep trying on our own and just try to move on and live without a family. :(

Thoughts after FET#2 transfer

10/22 - Sent a message this morning to my RI to find out what they think about my levels from my blood work yesterday. Progesterone is: 31.74 Estrogen is: 578.8. Seems this time around my Progesterone is lower and my Estrogen is higher so will see what they say. I am doing the PIO progesterone in oil 2cc shots and 2 pills a day and Estrogen pills to supplement. I forgot yesterday to go to my local lab and do my thryoid and PAI-1 labs so I will have to remember to go to town early before my acupuncture tomorrow and do them. Important to keep making sure my thyroid is under 2 and to see where my blood blotting gene is at. On two lovenox blood thinners a day and up to 30mg of predisone now this week. So far I feel fine just really tired. Got woken up by a call from my dh that his work never got the FMLA paperwork from yesterday so I had to call my clinic and put a fire under them to get it done and faxed over to his work. In the past they always did it before we even left the clinic so not sure what is taken them longer this time and don't think they understand that one can get in trouble with a workplace if the proper documents are not send asap. Winter sure seems to be on the way here not looking forward to cold weather and snow. 

10/23 - The day we found out we where pregnant officially from the Dr. one year ago today. One year ago today I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Being pregnant had come as a complete surprise as we had taken last year off from treatments (cause my mom had breast cancer and was living with us while doing radiation) and just used a round a Femara on our own never expecting it to work. AF was late, I had some waves of nausea so I tested that weekend the 21st at home to get my very first positive hpt test ever. I've had pos beta's but never seen 2 lines on a hpt before. My first beta was a awesome number of 1456.4. I  had a few short days of sheer bliss till our ultrasound on Nov 12 2012 which showed our little bean had passed at 6wks or so and no heartbeat. The process of going through another mc just about broke me. Here I am now on day 3 of our FET transfer thinking and praying that please God let this one stick so we can have a rainbow baby to take the place of all the grief of what happened a year ago, let this year's holiday's be full of joy and happiness not the awful grief and heart wrenching pain we have gone through. All I have of our little bean "Uriel" is a few pregnancy sticks and a ultrasound pic to remember him/her by and big hole in my heart, empty arms still waiting to be filled with life. I will never forget though the most happiest days of my life to feel such joy again would be so wonderful words can not describe it.  It seems weird that Oct. 21st is the day I took the first hpt and found out we where pregnant last year and now 1 year later it's the day we also had transfer for FET#2. Maybe it worked out that way for a reason I can only hope it did and God has a plan. 

Acupuncture went well today - it was a free session at my old place so they do things a little different there but it still helps in getting blood flowing and energy going to the right place - Sunday I see my reg acupuncturist for another session. Day 2 past transfer of the wait if something is going to happen then today be the day to implant. 

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

10/24 - 3dp5dt today. It's hard not to think about every little twinge etc. and wonder if something is happening in there. Been feeling some pressure low and very tired but I don't want to get too excited just keeping calm and staying busy. Have kept things low key but still walking around and doing normal activities just no heavy lifting or strenuous stuff.  Today been working on making special order angel ornaments getting those done for people. Helps to have something to do. My bum is so sore from the PIO shots I had to do one in the leg today for a break. Still doing 2 shots of lovenox a day and keeping up with all the supplements etc. It's a lot to do each day but so worth it if this all works. 

10/25 - 4dp5dt - not much new to report. Having a hard time sleeping at night just have a lot on my mind.  

10/26 - 5dp5dt - hanging in there trying to keep my mind occupied felt pretty down today was a long day. 

10/27 - 6dp5dt - went to acupuncture today had a relaxing session with some cupping on my back and massage on my neck and a ton of needles. Almost fell asleep was snoring a bit. I needed it to be relaxed. Had a nice lunch after with my Mom and husband at Olive Garden, enjoyed the salad and some mushroom ravioli. Not that I am putting to much into this but I feel nauseated on and off and more tonight, not a ton but it's there along with a headache, just maybe? Like I said I don't have my hopes up too high and I try not to put to much into symptoms cause the meds can cause them but I am trying my best to be positive. 

10/28 - 7dp5dt - well hpt dollar store one was neg this morning - I tested cause I woke up with tummy feeling funny and some nausea that kinda reminded me of last preg. - maybe it's all in my head I don't know - 3 more days till beta so guess will find out either way soon. 

10/29 - 8dp5dt - Still feeling funny in my tummy so to say, twinges etc. sore nipples. Was to afraid to do another hpt so didn't even try it. Have a small glimmer of hope just maybe it worked. Read this devotional tonight was helpful. 

God spoke softly in my heart, a small whisper.. “Tell them to trust me and that I hear their prayers.”
Don’t lose heart. Don’t be discouraged. Hang on to Him with every part of your being until He answers. He wants us to trust Him completely. Not half. Not partly but with all our might.
Now, you’re probably saying, well I’ve prayed for 10 years or I’ve waited for 30 years, how much longer? Do you know that part of life is waiting on the Lord? In the next few years, we’ll be waiting on something else as soon as one prayer is answered. And another wait, and so on. We will always wait on the Lord. That’s why He gave us so many scriptures on waiting. I’m sure you’ve heard them all but please let me share a few with you.

• The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. Lamen. 3:25
• For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Habbak. 2:3
• I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God. Psalm 69:3

God hears you and sees you, my friend. He loves you. He is for you.  

• But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him. Psalm 4:3
• And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him. 1John 5:14-15
• I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Jeremiah 31:2

Last but not least, whatever it is that you are waiting on, release it to Him and lay it down at His feet before you leave this blog. Allow Him to carry this burden for you and receive His magnificent grace.
Bless you! Let’s journey together!

10/30 - ds hpt was neg again today :( Bracing myself for a neg beta tomorrow and gearing my mind for what has to be done for a fresh IVF cycle - re-ordered my PIO and Estradiol so at least I have those going forward, still have some follistim and other IVF meds in the fridge to use and hopefully my AMH (it was good last year) is ok to do a fresh cycle yet this year. Going to be tough but it's our last chance. Pretty much a emotional wreck today feeling very much like a failure as a person, wife etc. I did everything the Dr. wanted me to do, extra meds to treat what is wrong, my embryo's looked good and still nothing. I don't get it what is wrong with me and where the heck is God in this all and his promises for those who believe. Will have to take a few days of grieving till AF comes and then find my inner strength to push through a fresh IVF and just do it while insurance is still paying this year cause after that if nothing from that we can't do anymore. I feel so devastated. My husbands shoulder surgery is coming up next week too on the 6th so he will be out of work for awhile, in some ways I guess that is good cause then he can ride alone to apt. I don't know if I will go to the RI with a fresh cycle that be a lot of travel after egg retrieval. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom and seeing my dream die is killing me right now, I have not idea what I will do with my life now going forward. We don't have options to adopt the cost is just to much for us. I can barely handle running my support group anymore either seeing most of them with kids and some on their second while I still struggle and lack of understanding of my situation and feeling judged is turning me off so that I don't even have that support anymore. Somehow I got to go on not sure how, all I want to do is sit here and do nothing, cause I feel like I am nothing, infertility has stripped away everything from me, to once again disappoint my husband too is killing me inside. To be facing 40 in another month and knowing time is about out for us. 

Lord, I beg You, hear my prayers; but more than that, listen to the groanings of my heart—my unspoken sadness. In the din of my distress I cry out to my King, “I need Your help, God!” The first thing every morning, I lay out the broken pieces of my life before You; then I wait for You to speak to my heart, Lord. ~Psalm 5:1-3

FET#2 Transfer Day

Didn't think transfer day for FET #2 (5th transfer with IVF) would ever get here seems like this cycle took forever to get through. I was very relieved my reg RE was there today. Was a long day up at 5am to do my progesterone shot, shower and get on the road to the clinic, there is a detour on the way there so it takes a bit longer to arrive as we had to go around to get there.

Got there around 9am did my progesterone, estrogen blood work followed by ultrasound to check on the cysts. My RE said it was still very tiny and to him it was not anything like a polyp or growth but just a tiny bit of fluid and he felt it would not interfere with anything. I guess I felt reassured but when I told him that my RI suggested I do a saline ultrasound again if this cycle is a bust he said why we did one on you and I was like yes but that was 2yrs ago and if I do a fresh IVF cycle I want to make sure all is ok in there, figure if my insurance is still picking up the bill this year then why not and it's a simple procedure to do and tells a lot about the inside of the uterus. But we are going to remain positive thinking that it won't get to that.

Around 9:30ish my wonderful acupuncture lady showed up for my relaxing before transfer session. She turns up the energy levels on transfer day and really gets the needles going. After that was fill the bladder and drink drink drink got down 2 liters worth to fill up my bladder enough, that part is the worse it's so hard to hold your pee while you get a specular stuck in you and a long needle like tube while up in leg stirrups and someone pressing a ultrasound machine wand down on your belly right above your bladder, it's all one can do to hold it together while transferring lol.  Had them empty my bladder with a cath after like usual, nothing like peeing in a bucket in front of your dh and Dr. to humble a person. I think along this journey I don't really have any more self conscious about my body it's like ok get it done it's just body parts etc. The embryo lab guy (most expensive babysitter as my RE likes to call him) said that of 3 frosties he unfroze that 2 looked really good excellent and 1 was average. I am glad we choose to do 3 this time around maybe 1 of them will be the one. We still have 2 frosties left but the plan is if this time is a bust to go into a fresh IVF cycle and have those 2 as back up.

Transfer was around 11:45ish I was happy to have my RE back as I like his bedside manner so much better on how he does things and my favorite nurse I had not seen in months was there too she was there when I did my other IVF's in 2011 and I was glad to see her and have her there with me this morning.

Then after was another round of acupuncture and relaxing for a hour while laying flat. Finally got out of the clinic a little after 1pm. The valium they have you take was knocking me on my butt making me really sleepy.

My dh wanted to go to a book store while we where in that town so he looked around while I chilled and we did lunch a few errands and headed home. A long day but hopefully the last time I have to see the inside of the transfer room. Wore my lucky owl socks today from a friend. Didn't really take any other pictures this time around felt we did all the other cycles so at least we got those. I did get 1 ultrasound picture of them putting in the embryo's isn't that exciting but it's a pic at least. Now it's rest and relax and wait. I got another session of acupuncture on Wed. and Sun. Then Oct. 31st is our beta so only 10 more days to wait till we find out but it will be a long 10 days. Was talking to my frosties and told them to behave this time and find a place to settle in for the next 9months cause they are no longer allowed to misbehave it's time one of them decides to be a good little baby. :)

Ultrasound image of the 3 embryo's being transfered to my uterus

My lucky Owl socks for today

FET#2 Thoughts leading to Transfer Day

10/18 - Just 2 more days till Monday. I can't help but be scared this time around. I know others don't understand the emotional toll of 11 yrs of ttc has taken on me. This FET could be our last shot right now to be parents. I am scared it won't work and scared it will and that I won't mc. It is hard to explain the whirlwind of emotions going on inside right now. I am tired hormonal and exhausted since starting the PIO shots. Not to mention the darn pain in my hips from having to endure them too. I ended up sleeping a lot of the day today just had no energy at all. Checked with my RI on the blood panels they did this past Monday and it all came back normal. I still need to do my PAI-1 and Thyroid for them next week. I have felt a lot better with no leg cramps since I did the Intralipids something about it seems to make me feel better.

10/20 - Been a busy weekend of working on ornaments for the Hoping Believing Waiting store. Been trying to get all the glitter mess done with so I can clean things up before tomorrow but don't think that will happen as I am still not done with all of the ornaments. Not sure if I am really looking forward to transfer day. The whole process of going thru transfer is not pleasant and the 10 day wait will be hard to endure. Got to do my best to remain hopeful.


How I wish that God would answer my prayer. -Job 6:8

 

Transfer Day Schedule

Was a long night. Felt ill and had some cramping then some bright red bleeding which finally stopped, not enough to fill a pad or anything just spotting. Enough to worry me and nothing that has happened in other cycles. Not sure if it had to do with the tiny 2mm cyst that has been lingering in the endometrial lining and it burst and bleed out or what?

Tried yesterday to get a hold of my clinic and never did so finally someone called me a little bit ago.  

I guess we are a go for Monday transfer. I have to figure out how to give myself the darn PIO shot this morning or wait till Scott comes home at 6pm to do it and be off on it as I don't know if I can poke it in myself and they didn't get back to me yesterday so we could time to do it before he went to work at 2am.

We are going to do a ultrasound that morning when I first arrive, I insisted on it, to see if the bleeding I had was the cyst bursting and is gone now or if my RE needs to suck it out, etc. I told them I want to make sure everything is ok before we transfer or it's a waste of my embryo's.

I'll arrive at 9am do blood (prog/estro) and ultrasound and if all ok do acupuncture, do my drinking to fill my bladder and transfer around 11:30am.

They didn't seem concerned at all about the cramping and bright red bleeding don't get them there anymore and so tired of being my own advocate and fighting infertility. 

I think I am also coming down with a cold and really not feeling well today. My sinus's are all messed up and asthma is acting up. Not a good time to get sick at all but it's the change in the weather now and not unusual for me to get a cold. Have a few antibodies left from last sinus infection so started them to help. I know being on things to lower my immune system can't be helping keep me healthy when it's starting to be cold season and many germs going around. 

At least I got a little plan till Monday. Please pray that everything is ok and goes well that day. I am pretty nervous about it all.