Thoughts during the WAIT ...

8/6 - 1dp5dt - Spent a lot of time this morning praying and thinking positive thoughts that everything is going ok that our little embryo's are digging in and making themselves at home. That all the hard work of the past year God is working through for our good. Got to keep believing. Sometimes that is all one has is hope and faith. 

Beautiful Poem a friend shared with me today: 

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls.
it calls to say I'm here, don't dispair, I will come to you
when the time is right, when you least expect me and through
the quiet night open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there
in the end.
Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole
ordeal. In the end I will be real. While others around you are
succeeding your heart goes on bleeding.
I would thank you for being patient, I would thank you for
being the kind of person who shows persistance. If it were not
for this, I may never get the chance to have an existence.
In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart
soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years. You have been trying,
thinking of giving up but never doing it. In the end you just keep on going in the hopes that I will come to you, the one who deserves me, the one who can love me as no other can. You will be that mother that you always wanted to be. Just you keep waiting for me.

 

 

8/7 - 2dp5dt - Thinking today of what is happening inside. Of the miracles that God is creating of life. Today should be day 3 although I was told a frozen embryo can be a little slower to implant than a fresh. I think it's so interesting that embryo's from 2yrs ago could be kept and then in one morning un-thawed and placed and grown into our babies. Continuing to rest and spend time in prayer today. I know the farther from transfer we go the more nervous I am going to become that this FET works and we get a healthy bfp beta number. 

What happens after transfer
5-Day Transfer
Days PastTransfer (DPT) Embryo Development
One - The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two - The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three - The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four - Implantation continues
Five - Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six - Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven - Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight - Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine - Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

If all goes well was looking up due date and April 23, 2014 be it - April 1 if twins :)

8/8 - 3dp5dt - Today has been interesting woke up with a headache but it got better later, then I felt sick to my stomach and no appetite so ended up having to go lay down and sleep most of the afternoon, tonight I was able to eat and felt a little better. Have had twinges on and off down low but it's hard to know if feeling ill is just from all the hormones I am pumping into my body or if our FET worked. FX these are good signs I would be sick on my ass if it meant we are pregnant.

8-9 - 4dp5dt not much new. This morning my husband did my PIO shot in my leg to give my hips a break but now my leg hurts so can't win. Been very tired could of slept all day. The waiting is getting hard and long. I dare not POAS too scared to see a negative. Today a lady in a group I am in said she felt this was for me: "He is the God of time and seasons. Your season has come, your time is now. I am speaking to YOU!"  It's hard cause I know God can do miracles and I believe but have yet to see it fulfilled in our lives. I want nothing more than to be a mom and make my dh a dad and become a family. I will be 40 this year so time is not on my side anymore if it's going to happen now is the time. 

 8-10 - 5dp5dt - The 2ww sucks - 6 days to go before we get happy or sad news and trying not to lose it - to scared to do any POAS yet so just trying to occupy my mind with anything other than what if. AHHH!!! I think the worse part is the PIO can mimic pregnancy symptoms but you may not be pregnant so all this tired, nausea, headache could just be meds. :(  By day 5 the embryo would of completed implantation. Praying so hard something is happening in there. 

8-11 - 6dp5dt - not up to much today. Husband had to work long hours so just trying to read and keep my mind occupied. 

8-12 - 7dp5dt - Went to the gardens today with our goddaughters to see the butterflies. Had a nice day. Trying hard to remain positive but right now I don't feel like things worked for us. 

8-12 - 8dp5dt - I am pretty sure it did not work. Tested this morning and negative not even a faint second line. Used the good test strip I had left too that detects down to 10 hcg. Just trying to hold it together till blood test on Thurs to confirm what I already know in my gut. Try to think ahead and prepare mentally for round five. I'm about at my end really feel being a mom is not going to happen. This was our 4th transfer and we did so much to get here. All the extra meds, money, Dr. trips. I barely made it thru this round I am bruised sore from all the shots and feeling broken thinking of a fifth transfer just sucks right now. It's 8dp5dt so most get some kind of pos by now, me nothing. Although I never got anything for the other 3 transfers and it ended up being pos but low like 24 but those all ended in chem preg. Lost my hope and really ticked at God right now. I don't get why we have struggled for 11 long years with empty arms. No one understands either and we can't just adopt it's not a option for us. I keep telling God where are you so many in the support group I run have gone on to have a child, some are on there second. I try to remain faithful, supportive, non jealous, in prayer and believing that his promises are true but where is our miracle where is the fulfillment in our lives. I don't know if I can face being childless, my heart is broken today.