IVF#4 BFN

Didn't want to go do my beta yesterday as we now have to start paying for everything being a new year but my dh thought it be good to make sure as I've had a few chemicals that did not show up till blood work. RE called this morning with the news it was negative, I already knew it was going to be but hearing it was the final blow. Broke down in tears this morning. I had worried about mc again doing our cycles last year and didn't think I'd have to worry that we would never get pregnant again not even have a chance to keep a pregnancy this time. I had really thought with the help of the RI my body was going to work. Everything looked so good this last time, I know my embryo's where not top notch but they where a lot better then some and many go on to get preg with one's not even as good. Mad at myself that I didn't transfer more than 3 maybe that would of made a difference. Mad at my body for refusing to work right, Mad at God for not healing me and allowing life to happen.

I keep asking God WHY? I don't want to hear people's answers of well because, or it's God's will etc. that does not help and makes me lose my faith even more. I do wonder if God really is as actively involved in our lives as people tell you He is or if He is more hands off and just lets things happen. I don't know anymore all I do know is the feeling of devastation we both feel right now. Seeing your husband cry cause he feels the same pain and knowing it's your fault you could not get pregnant does not help one feel any better. (not that my dh blames me at all, it's me though that has the infertility issue so I feel responsible)

I wish finances was not a issue for us and we could pick up and go to a new clinic and try again. Being 40 now time is not on my side and we'd have to do it now but we put everything we had into our try's and testing this past year. I am trying what I can to sell some items to raise funds but it's not going to well. Out of ideas, out of time, out of hope at this point. :(

IVF#4 7DP5DT

Had a bad night, not been feeling well upset tummy from acid reflux and wondering if my elevated wbc is causing issues too. Did pregnancy test this morning as by now if things had worked I should get a positive. Well it was negative, 1 line punch to the gut to just emphasize I am broken, that I will never be a mom, that it didn't matter how many shots, meds, procedures, money etc. my body is not going to be healed and made whole. My embryo's are lost once again never implanted, never made it, dead. Dead just like how I feel inside. Infertility is one cruel disease it's taken everything from me.


We spend a lot of time
trying to
dance in the rain,
sing in the rain,
smile in the rain...
but sometimes we just need
to let the rain fall
and feel it on our skin.

I sure want to know God how these promises below from your word that I kept close to my heart are true cause I don't see them. I've asked, I've pleaded, I've done all the medical stuff I can do on my part and nothing but mc, failed implantation, over 11 years of torture and sadness, if these verses are true then were where you God?...We had so many people pray for us and tell us that God wanted us to have a child, they told us thing like we would have one around Christmas or conceive around that time, that they saw a baby in my uterus, that I just needed to claim the word etc. Why did you give these people words when it was untrue. How can I even go on having faith? You knew that we could not adopt we have no finances to do so that this was our only option why did you not use it to bless us?

Jesus said, “Keep asking, and God will give you your heart’s desire. Keep searching, and He will reveal Himself to you. Keep knocking, and God will throw His door wide open to you.” ~Matthew 7:7 (Randy Reed Paraphrased Version)

Lord, I beg You, hear my prayers; but more than that, listen to the groanings of my heart—my unspoken sadness. In the din of my distress I cry out to my King, “I need Your help, God!” The first thing every morning, I lay out the broken pieces of my life before You; then I wait for You to speak to my heart, Lord. ~Psalm 5:1-3

Psalm 130:5 - I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I hope.

"Commit your work to the Lord, and then your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. Habakkuk 2:3   

For I know the plans I have for you', declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 

I told my dh that I feel like he should of married someone else not some barren broken woman who can't conceive. In most cultures I'd be thrown away by now worthless. Being a mom is all I ever wanted since I was a child myself, to teach a young life, to snuggle a precious baby, to grow old and see the next generation but now I will be alone someday and there really is no purpose to me being here. I've never succeed at anything in this life, I've given many things a good effort but nothing has ever worked in my favor to be something of any purpose of being alive. My dh says I have to care for, that thought doesn't help me, to just have housework to look forward to every day ya that helps me. I guess it's over now unless by some miracle we win the lottery to afford to do one last FET with our two frozen but I know that is not going to happen. I've already borrowed, sold off, saved and spend everything we had on this last year's efforts. I don't know how to move on I don't know if I can. My dh said it best today, we don't need a break from ttc we needed a baby! 

IVF#4 6DP5DT

How is my day? NUMB that about sums it up. I feel numb, I am numb. My hope that anything happened this time is gone. I've had no real signs, I feel normal. All I've been through to just get another bfn. I don't know why I even tried. I don't know how to go on .... we have nothing to put towards another try and age is not on my side anymore. Life is one cruel joke.

IVF#4 5DP5DT

My message from Dr. Kwak-Kim office today ...
"Results from 12/19 show PAI-1 level at greater than 200 (target range 4-43). This could be an affect of the intralipids. Continue with lovenox twice daily. Increase Metformin to 2000mg daily. To do this, increase dose to 1500mg for 3 days and if tolerating increase to 2000mg. Repeat PAI-1 levels in 2 weeks. Results from 12/30 are as follows: Thyroid function is all normal. CBC is showing your WBC is increased futher to 22.6 - Are you taking neupogen?"

They make me confused cause they know I am already on 2,000mg of metformin have been for several years and I have no idea what neupogen is it's not a drug I am on. They have my list of current medications so it's just frustrating they would tell me to up something etc. makes me feel like they didn't even know my chart. So now I am concerned that something is wrong. They want me to repeat it all in 2 weeks and do a urine culture but I told them only if I get a positive pregnancy test otherwise we are done for now and I'll just be weaning off meds and paying for more labs is just getting too much for us.

Not feeling too positive today struggling to think that things will work out in our favor. Our due date if this one works would be Sept. 16, 2014. Close to our 13th wedding anniversary.



How much longer will you forget me, LORD? Forever? How much longer will you hide yourself from me? How long must I endure trouble? How long will sorrow fill my heart day and night? How long will my enemies triumph over me? Look at me, O LORD my God, and answer me. Restore my strength; don't let me die. -Psalm 13:1-3

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Jesus (Mat 11:28)

IVF#4 4DP5DT

Not much new to report. Extreme tiredness today but I know from the past it could just be all the hormone supplements they have me taking messing with me. Spent most of the day sleeping and resting was nice to have a down day with nothing that had to get done or no where we had to be at. It's also really cold here in WI so I was glad to stay inside.

Devotions during the wait:

The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking Him in spite of trials, and trusting Him in the midst of it all!

Some scriptures from a friend - made me reflect to not lose heart. 
Galatians 6:9 
Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary.
1 Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.
Hebrews 12:2-3
fixing our eyes on Jesus, the [b]author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary [c]and lose heart. 

IVF#4 3DP5DT (New Years Day)

Our New Years Day consisted of our annual family get-together. Was a great day we got asked to be godparents again to the newest addition Laila Marie. We are very happy to have another Godkid to spoil. It helps fill the emptiness but still makes us yearn for one of our own even more. The wait is hard especially when you are keeping it to yourself this time. All I can do is continue to pray! 

 

Our godkids photo from today - Me, Baby Laila, James, Rachel, Colleen and my husband Scott

Our godkids - Colleen, Rachel, baby Laila, James

My Family, Nephew Elisha, Brother Tim, Scott, Me, My Mom Christine, My Aunt Maxine

IVF#4 2DP5DT

New Years Eve. Had a fun day at the movies saw The Hobbit then we got out in time and decided to do 47 Ronin too - loved them both - then went and had dinner at Ponderosa New Years Buffet, ate tons of crab legs lol. Scott's friend Joe came with us was nice. 

Bummer is my back is killing me now from sitting and the cold, in a ton of pain. It is so cold here it's making my fibro flare up bad and I can only take tylenol for it too :( Going to bed. not staying up till midnight, as we have to be at my mom's in the morning for our Christmas get-together. Tried not to think about the what ifs today but it was hard. I feel down, worried that nothing is happening again. 

I think of all I have gone through this past year the journey of ttc, testing, apt. procedures, etc. My hips are hurting from the PIO and my leg where I stabbed myself this morning, my tummy is black and blue and sore, I am bloated/swollen from all the Predisone I can hardly fit into my jeans and all I can think is this is it, can it just be time now God please! I had thought at the end of 2013 we would of had a better year. 

I can not but help to think of our baby Uri we lost last year and how he/she would of been almost 6 months now had our first holiday season together. I had told myself after that loss that it was ok cause by the end of this year I'd be pregnant again but it did not work that way. 2014 needs to be a better year and needs to be our time! I so yearn to feel that joy I had for but a brief few weeks again and I don't want to let my husband down again, please God not again, please let this year be a start of something wonderful for us. PLEASE hear our prayers!