LOST

I always say when it rains is pours. Yesterday I let myself grieve this not working again and was ready to pick up the pieces and put together a new plan and go forward with another try. My RE has been out due to surgery but I was reassured the other RE would be fine with helping me do another cycle. I have Dr. Kwak on my case too and she will advise on anything she wants to change on what she is handling. Well one of the things that Dr. K will not do is prescribe Intralipids IV infusions (what I need to lower my NK killer cells so they don't attack the embryo's) she feels IVIG (a blood product) is better (but I was denied coverage for it) so Intralipids are a synthetic alternative to IVIG and much cheaper. My RE in WI agreed to help me and prescribed two dosages for me this past FET cycle. I gave him all the studies and he talked with Coram Infusions where I go to have it done and seemed to be all ok with this protocol. I was told today that neither him nor the other RE will prescribe the Intralipids for me again for this new FET cycle. They would not tell me why all the way and pulled out the our lawyers said it was unsafe card. Needless to say I am livid. I finally found a plan, it was working my numbers came down and the second cycle should be even better than the first and now my RE says nope I won't help you with any immune protocol the only thing I will do is transfer your embryo's. Get someone else to do it. I am so stressed over this I can not eat, I can not think, I physically and mentally am wiped out. Why would they do this to me? I went today and had my second Intralipids Infusion before they would not let me do that one. I was to do it if I got pregnant but figured since it worked go do either way to prep for the next cycle. Now it seems I won't be able to do it again putting me at risk of mc. Monday morning I am going to start calling around other RE's and see if anyone else is willing to work with me and be ok with prescribing intralipids and working with Dr. Kwak as a consultant on my case. I don't know what else to do. Dr. Kwak also wants me to do endometrial scratching after I get my period and my RE should do it but he won't either. What is going on God enough is enough!!


8-16 - After many sleepless hours of trying to figure out what to do. I am looking another clinic right now. Inquiring if they agree with a immune protocol and intralipids and how/if I can transfer embryo's for a FET with them. Sent them a message to begin the conversation. If I can't transfer embryo's and it's just too costly. Then my only other option is to see if a third Dr. like my family one or my obgyn can help me out with the scratching and intralipids and grin and bear it thru another cycle with the old RE or I should say his wife. 

8-18 - Well there goes my idea of working with another clinic. Just got a message from one I contacted and nope we can not transfer embryo's and most all clinics won't allow it they told me you have to stay with the one they are at. And they won't work with Dr. K. There goes that. Back to being screwed. So stressed am physically sick over this all right now. 

8-19 - Going to go see my family Dr. next week wed. Try to explain the whole situation to him (he is already aware of some of it) and see if he will be willing to continue my prescription of Intralipids for the next FET round. Otherwise I guess I am out of options and will have to do it without. The Intralipids are such a crucial part of my treatment plan and did wonders in lowering my NK killer cells so without them I take the risk again of my body attacking the embryo's and/or mc. So please pray that my family Dr. will be my saving grace in this all. I really need a break and something to work out right.

FET #1 BFN

My beta was a negative hcg less than 1. Pretty much what I thought it would be. Didn't have any real symptoms of being pregnant this time around and just had a gut feeling it did not happen.

Hoping my period comes quick, they did say most of the time once you stop the progesterone you get your period in a few days otherwise they can give me some provera next week.

Still doing my second Intralipids IV on Sat. morning. Figure since we are going to go right into a second FET it can't hurt to still do it and continue to lower my killer cells.

Have to wait to see if Dr. Kwak-Kim my RI (reproductive immunologist) will give me any new recommendations for cycle 2. Maybe starting with 30mg of predisone instead of ending with it and doing 80mg of the lovenox instead of 40mg then upping to 80mg.

Really don't get why it did not work we had great looking 5 day embryo's that unthawed perfect, I had blood flow, my thyroid was good, lowered my NK killer cells, and still nothing. 

Trying to hold it together but really hard day. 4 transfers, 11 yrs, 4 mc and still empty arms. My dreams and hopes of being a family of becoming a mom are going down the tubes. I don't know how I will have the strength to go through another cycle, I have a lot fears the next one will fail too then we are done and how will I live with never getting to be a parent. I don't know if I will be able to cope. :'( 

 

God I am not sure what your plan is anymore. So many years ago I felt you told me to prepare to hold fast in my faith and all would be ok. I am worn I am tired I am weary. 

 

Thoughts during the WAIT ...

8/6 - 1dp5dt - Spent a lot of time this morning praying and thinking positive thoughts that everything is going ok that our little embryo's are digging in and making themselves at home. That all the hard work of the past year God is working through for our good. Got to keep believing. Sometimes that is all one has is hope and faith. 

Beautiful Poem a friend shared with me today: 

With every tear that falls, there is a lost heart that calls.
it calls to say I'm here, don't dispair, I will come to you
when the time is right, when you least expect me and through
the quiet night open your heart to me, accept me, I will be there
in the end.
Your wait may be long, you may get frustrated by the whole
ordeal. In the end I will be real. While others around you are
succeeding your heart goes on bleeding.
I would thank you for being patient, I would thank you for
being the kind of person who shows persistance. If it were not
for this, I may never get the chance to have an existence.
In the chaos of your day, the calm of your night, let your heart
soar and take flight.
For so many tears, for so many years. You have been trying,
thinking of giving up but never doing it. In the end you just keep on going in the hopes that I will come to you, the one who deserves me, the one who can love me as no other can. You will be that mother that you always wanted to be. Just you keep waiting for me.

 

 

8/7 - 2dp5dt - Thinking today of what is happening inside. Of the miracles that God is creating of life. Today should be day 3 although I was told a frozen embryo can be a little slower to implant than a fresh. I think it's so interesting that embryo's from 2yrs ago could be kept and then in one morning un-thawed and placed and grown into our babies. Continuing to rest and spend time in prayer today. I know the farther from transfer we go the more nervous I am going to become that this FET works and we get a healthy bfp beta number. 

What happens after transfer
5-Day Transfer
Days PastTransfer (DPT) Embryo Development
One - The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two - The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three - The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four - Implantation continues
Five - Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six - Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven - Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight - Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine - Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

If all goes well was looking up due date and April 23, 2014 be it - April 1 if twins :)

8/8 - 3dp5dt - Today has been interesting woke up with a headache but it got better later, then I felt sick to my stomach and no appetite so ended up having to go lay down and sleep most of the afternoon, tonight I was able to eat and felt a little better. Have had twinges on and off down low but it's hard to know if feeling ill is just from all the hormones I am pumping into my body or if our FET worked. FX these are good signs I would be sick on my ass if it meant we are pregnant.

8-9 - 4dp5dt not much new. This morning my husband did my PIO shot in my leg to give my hips a break but now my leg hurts so can't win. Been very tired could of slept all day. The waiting is getting hard and long. I dare not POAS too scared to see a negative. Today a lady in a group I am in said she felt this was for me: "He is the God of time and seasons. Your season has come, your time is now. I am speaking to YOU!"  It's hard cause I know God can do miracles and I believe but have yet to see it fulfilled in our lives. I want nothing more than to be a mom and make my dh a dad and become a family. I will be 40 this year so time is not on my side anymore if it's going to happen now is the time. 

 8-10 - 5dp5dt - The 2ww sucks - 6 days to go before we get happy or sad news and trying not to lose it - to scared to do any POAS yet so just trying to occupy my mind with anything other than what if. AHHH!!! I think the worse part is the PIO can mimic pregnancy symptoms but you may not be pregnant so all this tired, nausea, headache could just be meds. :(  By day 5 the embryo would of completed implantation. Praying so hard something is happening in there. 

8-11 - 6dp5dt - not up to much today. Husband had to work long hours so just trying to read and keep my mind occupied. 

8-12 - 7dp5dt - Went to the gardens today with our goddaughters to see the butterflies. Had a nice day. Trying hard to remain positive but right now I don't feel like things worked for us. 

8-12 - 8dp5dt - I am pretty sure it did not work. Tested this morning and negative not even a faint second line. Used the good test strip I had left too that detects down to 10 hcg. Just trying to hold it together till blood test on Thurs to confirm what I already know in my gut. Try to think ahead and prepare mentally for round five. I'm about at my end really feel being a mom is not going to happen. This was our 4th transfer and we did so much to get here. All the extra meds, money, Dr. trips. I barely made it thru this round I am bruised sore from all the shots and feeling broken thinking of a fifth transfer just sucks right now. It's 8dp5dt so most get some kind of pos by now, me nothing. Although I never got anything for the other 3 transfers and it ended up being pos but low like 24 but those all ended in chem preg. Lost my hope and really ticked at God right now. I don't get why we have struggled for 11 long years with empty arms. No one understands either and we can't just adopt it's not a option for us. I keep telling God where are you so many in the support group I run have gone on to have a child, some are on there second. I try to remain faithful, supportive, non jealous, in prayer and believing that his promises are true but where is our miracle where is the fulfillment in our lives. I don't know if I can face being childless, my heart is broken today.

 

You are More than you Infertility

You are more than your infertility
You are a wife, a partner, a friend, a lover.
You are a daughter, sister, an aunt, a cousin.
You are a worker, a fur mommy, a smiler, a laugher.
You are timed intercourse lover, a basal temperature checker
a pregnancy bump spy.
You are a toilet paper inspector, a Doctor Google searcher,
an ovulation charter
You are a pregnancy strip tester, a PCOS hair plucker,
a low sperm count parter.
You are a fake pregnancy symtomer, a Clomid side effector,
a Facebook pregnancy spy.
You are a crier in public places, a hormonal fertility needle injector,
a fertility drug addict.
You are a hoper, a believer, a person who won't give up-er
You are a strong woman.
Infertility does not define YOU.

My wonderful friends wearing lucky socks for me today

I have the greatest sweetest friends ever. All the ladies in the Praying4aBaby support group wearing there lucky socks for me today and sending me notes of encouragement. Want to capture them all here to remember. Brought tears to my eyes to think of all these wonderful ladies. I pray for each and every one of them that God will grant us all the desires of our hearts. I would be lost without others who understand going through this journey.

Lucky rainbow baby socks for you xx Silla Hubbard Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. - Kari

Silla Hubbard- lucky socks I wore for you today. Praying for you. - Michelle

Wearing my Lucky silly socks for you Silla Hubbard xx all the way from Australia . Sending you love, luck and strength for your transfer xx - Cathy

Rocking my favorite eye patch skull socks today! Praying for you Silla Hubbard!!!! - Morgan

Good luck with your transfer today Silla! Wearing my good luck socks for you!!(((hugs))) thoughts and prayers!! - Jennifer

For silla. ..prayers from california - Blanca

Sending you hugs and prayers Silla Hubbard for your FET and Stephanie Gaffney for your egg retrieval!!! And of course wearing some of my lucky socks - Julie

Here's my lucky socks. Good luck Silla Hubbard!!!!!!! - Sally

wearing my lucky socks and keeping everything crossed for u today silla! - Melanie

Lucky 4 leaf clover socks for you today Silla!!! I have all of my crossables crossed! - Theressa

I won't "frog-et" about you today Silla Hubbard. Sending love from Columbus, GA. - Joy

Wearing my lucky socks for Silla. Praying for you and praying for all in their journey. - Judy

Socks for Silla Hubbard - Heather

Lucky/Holy socks for Silla!!! - Jennifer

Wearing our lucky socks for Silla! - Wendy

Zarah and I are both wearing our lucky socks! Thinking of you Silla Hubbard. All things are possible to him who believes--Mark 9:23 - Janeia

Dear sweet Silla Hubbard, I'm wearing heels tomorrow but tonight I put on my lucky turtle socks just for you. Sending Prayers and Blessings your way. - Tasha

So I got picked up to play some softball yesterday and had to go buy some shoes and socks bc I only had flip flops... well Silla Hubbard I got all these instead of just one pair so lots and lots of luck for u tomorrow! - Amber

Lucky Socks for Silla!! We love you and are praying for you!! - Carrisa

Sent to me turtle socks from Danika

Some more cute one's I got in the mail and sweet card from Amber

Sending lots of thoughts and prayers to Silla Hubbard tomorrow, and to any others who are having anything done... I will be at work all day, so I hope all goes well for everyone. I do not have any lucky socks yet, so I definitely need to get in on that at some point! - Jessica

Just wanted to say ..good luck silla on your transfer.will be thinking off you..sending lots of love and baby dust on the wings of love.all frome norway - Sylvia

 

Some more great encouragement from another group I am in ...

God is in control, you need all your faith and trust in him now, rom 4:17, Isaiah 55:8-13, psalm 138, has a lot to keep you during the waiting period, you are in my prayers - Abena

His grace will be sufficient for you!! I am old and never see those who put their trust in God put to shame!! Keep trusting him !!! It is well - Akosua

Don't fret, keep calm and put it all in the hands of God. - Evita
  
Happy getting pregnant day Silla Hubbard!! Fx for great thawed embies!! - Stephanie

Thoughts and prayers for my friend Silla Hubbard today as she endures her journey towards motherhood. May your transfer be successful and may God give you your miracle. Please take time to think of her today and send positive thoughts her way. - Sara

  

FET Transfer Day

Just got home what a long day. Was up at 5am out the door 7:30am arrived a little after 9am. Did acupuncture, then drank my liter of water, did blood work up (of course they had issues getting some and poked me three times ugh), then transfer. 

The RE said my two embryo's un-thawed perfect and the lab tech when he brought them in the room said they looked great no issues with them. Everything went well during the transfer didn't get any pictures of the embryo's as being they where frozen they don't expose them to any light but we did get two u/s pictures of them being shot in the uterous. 

After transfer did another hour of acupuncture was so sleepy from the Valium was like doped up. 

Got out of the clinic around 1pm, had to go to the fed-ex place and overnight my blood to Chicago lab (they are rechecking my NK cells and cytokines levels to see if the predisone and lipids lowered my numbers), then went for lunch at our usual spot Gus's Diner and drove home. Now we wait ekkkk!!!!

An image depicting the process of an ultrasound-guided embryo transfer. Note the ultrasound wand and the path the catheter has to take to transfer the embryos in the optimal spot.

 

  Some fun pictures of us waiting before transfer, my acupuncture and after we are done :)

My Husband catching up on his reading while he waited

Waiting to go in for transfer in my lovely gown

Acupuncture

Lucky socks sent to me by a friend

Needles in the belly - can see my nice bruises from the lovenox lol

Feel the tingle :)

Lynn my acupunture lady doing some needle twirling

Acupunture relaxing

After Transfer YAY we did it!


Embryo's being transferred ultrasound photo's

More Thoughts along the way ...

8/2 - PIO shots are rough. This morning was day 3, trying to alternate hips but man am I sore. I think mornings are now my least favorite time of the day. Trying to remind myself that it's just for awhile and it's what I got to do. Getting hot flashes now ugh. Only 4 days left till transfer. My nerves are shot thinking about it all and the wait after. Praying so hard that all the work of this past year, the sacrifices, the trips, etc. that have gone into making the best little nest possible will find favor with our embryo's that at least 1 of the 2 will dig in and grow for 9months. I know I've done all I can it's up to God now.

8/3 - "How do I feel am I excited for transfer"?, someone asked me today. I said I feel like I am on autopilot it's like your moving forward but your emotions are stalled. After almost 11 yrs many failed cycles and mc you kinda guard your emotions it's hard to be like yippee so excited when in the back of your mind you are scared to be hurt once again.  

8/4 - One more sleep and it will be transfer time. :) Today I was really sad to hear of a friend of mine who was also going through IVF but a fresh cycle and none of her embryo's made it to transfer day. I can so feel the devastation she is going through right now, the anger, the grief, they why me. It breaks my heart that so many of us have to deal with this disease year after year try after try with nothing to show for it but tears. I worry a little about our embryo's that 2 of them will unfreeze ok tomorrow. We only have 7 so to lose even 1 would be hard to take. They where all frozen on day 6 and blastocysts so hopefully they will be ok.  Have to be at the RE clinic by 9am tomorrow for a hour of acupuncture. Then I have to drink lots of water to fill my bladder up as it has to be full so they can see my uterus on ultrasound while transferring our embryo's. That will happen around 11:30 am followed by another hour of rest and acupuncture. Then I will be PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise and the long 10 day wait will begin. 

Beautiful prayer from a friend of mine today: (Please keep us in your prayers)

" I will be praying for you today as you go toward your journey tomorrow.
Trust I see where God has brought you from and I see where God is going to take you. I know you have been through a lot to get where you are today and for that I know that God has been faithful to you. Im praying for. ... I love you and if there ia anything I can do let me know. .... to all the sisters in the group I need 2 or more likes for silla... in his word he said where 2 or 3 are gathered he is in the mix I dare you to agree with me"