A MUST read book!

So I have been reading "Is Your Body Baby Friendly? by Dr. Beers". It's all about immunology issues and effect on infertility, mc and your health. It was recommend to read before I go see the RI (reproductive immunologist) so I can understand more of what she is testing for and talking about during our consult.

Last night I was reading the part about PCOS and was fascinated by what he said about it. He talked how most RE's will treat the hormonal component of PCOS but there is still a immune issue of PCOS that is not treated by just a RE. That he feels that PCOS is closely related to Diabetes and maybe just another form of it. Right now I am already on the metformin so that is a good thing to help treat the disease. He then went on to talk about serotonin levels and their effect on infertility and link to Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia (of which I suffer from) and even how low serotonin levels contribute to weight gain and if you can raise those levels it will help with weight loss, and also reduce pain which is why antidepressants help those with Fibro. Lack of serotonin also can cause issues with blood flow to the uterous is not relaxed enough to pass nutrients properly through the placenta to the baby. From my understanding all this maybe a result of NK cells being overactive too.

 Lots of info in there all relative to me and so many other woman dealing with failed IVF cycles, mc loss etc. The biggest thing is the health effects and how doing this immune testing should not only show things about infertility but give me clues on my health and treatment for it.

Anyway it's a good book would recommend it to anyone dealing with Infertility. I am looking forward to meeting with this RI in Feb. I think this testing will bring me much needed answers, maybe even a healthier me and prayerfully help me become a mom too. If you want to order your own copy I have a link to it on amazon above in my suggested resources.

 

Infertility

I read this the other day and thought I would share:

Reproduction is a bodily function. We take it for granted that our bodies will work correctly.
That eggs are released and tubes are open.
That sperm come in enough number that at some point in the tube the sperm and egg meet.
Then the embryo moves from the tube to the uterus where it implants and gets cozy for about nine months and VOILA you have a baby in your arms.

Except when it doesn’t happen that way.
When ovaries don’t give up eggs or sperm don’t move like they should or come at all.
When tubes are blocked or embryos get cozy there where they can’t live for 9 months.
Maybe the baby makes it to the uterus, but the womb isn’t shaped right or fluffy enough so baby can’t get cozy.
Maybe the baby implants, but hormone levels don’t stay right or blood clots when it shouldn’t or maybe just maybe your cervix can’t hold a baby in.
Most often though there is no answer or why. It just is…

Your body feels broken. Month after month you are reminded that you are not having the child you long for.

Guilt comes in different shades from painful past choices, to food choices, or exercise too much or too little. Maybe guilt is colored in that it is your fault your spouse isn’t having the children he or she desperately wants. The guilt lingers and toys with you. What ifs haunt you just like the child you love, but do not even know yet.

Justice. It isn’t fair. So many babies are abandoned or aborted. When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn? Why should I have to go through shots, artificial hormones, treatments that stretch my raw soul until it nearly snaps, when others have “accidental pregnancies?”

Grief. Miscarriages, tubal pregnancies, still-births. They scar and wound and heal slowly. Each hope dashed with another loss and with each loss part of your dream dies too.

Nobody understands. Friends try, but cannot understand the longing, dashed dreams, hope for a few weeks a month until the dream is dashed again. Your spouse doesn’t even completely understand. You both process the situation so differently that you wonder if you will ever have a normal relationship again.

Time seems to be against you. 35 years old is considered advanced maternal age. So few ticks of the clock left.

God is here and sometimes His presence hurts. He is able to open our wombs, but He may not. Ever. He is able to quench our longing, but He may not. His ways are not our ways and we have to learn to trust Him despite the grief, injustice, loneliness, and guilt. He walks this road with us, but we have to choose to let His presence comfort us.

Infertility is a struggle, a battle. There are no simple answers for any one person. Adoption is difficult. Treatments may not work or may not be God’s direction. Only God and the couple He is walking this road with knows which path is best.

Mostly we need prayer. Will you pray with me for the infertile?

Apt. with Dr. Kwak-Kim in Feb. 2013

A few weeks ago I sent in all my medical records to a specialist. The call came in that she looked over my paperwork and is now ready to see me. I called today and got a apt. set up with her.  (this Dr. is world renowned in helping woman who mc or unable to get preg, get and stay preg, she is a reproductive immunologist)

We go to see Dr. Joanne Kwak-Kim in Vernon hills, IL on Friday Feb. 8, 2013 at 7:30am. Not sure yet but am thinking we may have to go down the night before stay at a hotel, otherwise we will have to leave WI by 3:30 or 4am in the morning to get there in time. It's a 3hr apt. I can't eat after 10pm the night before and have to drink lots of water in the morning cause they do a 2 u/s first, one tests for blood blow to the uterus and the other is a reg vag u/s, then a physical with the nurse practitioner, blood work, then you see the Dr.and talk with her. It's a 3 hour visit.

I talked with the billing dept and cost is 1k for the exam and 2k for blood work. So I have between today and Feb. to raise what we need for this apt and all the testing. Doing this all will be a expense, with our crap insurance the first 3k is all out of pocket before they pick up 60 to 80% so technically we need the opm (out of pocket max) of $6800 saved to continue treatments. I currently have $2500 saved out of our goal of $6800. Unfortunately, when I became preg in Oct. we had to use some of what we had saved for the Dr. visits and then the mc care so our savings is not where it was. At the time we where excited thinking this was it and I would not have to go through anymore testing etc. Not much we could do about it we had to pay those bills too. It was at the time one of my greatest fears that we would mc again and be out the money. All we can do is trust that God will provide. That is what we have done for the past 10yrs of ttc is trust Him one baby step at a time.

I am really really nervous about seeing a new Dr., it's never fun to go through what I have been dealing with the disease of infertility. All the poking and prodding and being nude in front of strangers is never pleasant. At this point though I am willing to try anything we can to get one more chance to become parents and hold a live baby in our arms. I am most afraid she will do testing and find nothing or will find a lot wrong that can't be fixed. I know there is many simple things like blood clotting disorders that are easy to deal with though.

After we see her and do testing then she will work with our RE here in WI to come up with a plan for a FET (frozen embryo transfer) we have 7 snowflakes right now. None of this has any guarantees but then nothing in life really does. All you can do is try.

*Please keep us in prayers that Dr. Kwak-Kim finds answers...that God will provide the money we need for this...for my nerves, safe travel to this Dr.and a happy outcome in 2013.

How you can help: I have paypal donations set up on my HBW page or I still have our magazine fundraiser by clicking HERE if anyone wishes to contribute towards our journey and help us be able to do the testing and later a FET. Thank you so much!

After a Miscarriage

Last few days have been a real struggle emotionally. The closer to the holidays' we get the more I feel the pain of this last loss. I read this article the other day and thought I'd share it below. I know many don't understand that going though a miscarriage is the same as losing a child, you are grieving, you are in pain, you just don't get over it and move on. That child is part of your life born or unborn and you will always think about them. I wish I could say my family supports and understands this but sadly most of them do not. Hopefully this article will help others to think about reaching out to someone hurting from mc and infant loss. 

After a Miscarriage: Supporting Friends & Family Through Loss

A loss of a child is considered one of the deepest pains, regardless of a child's age. The pain of what would have been is often the most difficult to embrace and work through. Family and friends often feel helpless when someone close to them experiences a miscarriage because no one has any control over it or can prevent it from happening. When a miscarriage occurs, society's attitude is to not talk about it, in fear that it's too upsetting. However, not talking about it only makes it harder to move on.

A miscarriage leaves a woman in a state of physical and emotional readiness for a baby that will never be. Grief is a natural process which has no exact time frame and is experienced in unique ways by different individuals. Supporting a grieving person does not mean you can take away the pain, but you may be able to help lighten the stress by being more aware and well informed.

What do I say? How can I help?

Often parents who are experiencing a miscarriage turn to the baby's grandparents, other family members, friends and professionals (including nurses, clergy, and health care providers,) but can't find the words to express the kind of support they need. As a supportive person, you may feel helpless, threatened or vulnerable. You may even want to avoid dealing with the loss or wish the parents would hide their grief. You can turn these natural feelings into support for the grieving family or friend.

How Can Family and Friends Show Support?

• Listen, Listen, Listen! A person who has experienced a miscarriage may need to tell his/her story repeatedly. Show you care by your attentiveness, gestures, and eye contact.
• Be prepared to talk about the baby. Hearing others say the name helps a grieving person heal.
• Know when to be silent... sometimes it is best to say nothing at all. A grieving person may just want someone to listen.
• Be aware that grief has physical reactions as well as emotional reactions on the body. Physical reactions include: poor appetite, disturbed sleep patterns, restlessness, low energy, and other pains. Emotional reactions may include: panic, persistent fears, nervousness and nightmares. Encourage your friend or family member to call you or reach out when they experience these feelings.
• Encourage the grieving person to express pain and stress. By working through feelings such as anger, guilt, sadness, doubt and frustration, the normal process of grief and healing occurs. Continue to encourage communication.
• Understand that grief is an individual process that is bound by no exact time frame. This frame of time involves finding ways of living with memories and the pain associated with the loss.
• Reassure the grieving person that their feelings and reactions are normal and necessary for healing.
• Remember that specific dates or events such as the anniversary of the loss or the expected due date, may trigger an emotional response. Encourage communication during this time. Perhaps a card or small remembrance.

What are some suggestions for visiting someone at the hospital or at home who has experienced a miscarriage?

Just by acknowledging the family's experience and expressing your own feelings of sadness are acceptable. Sometimes when people say "I just don't know what to say," is the most helpful thing anyone can say. Other helpful suggestions include:

• Talk about the baby by his or her name.
• Talk about the hopes and dreams you had for the family and the baby. The parents want to know others share in their hopes and dreams, too.
• Read literature about miscarriage and bereavement.
• Make or buy something in memory of the baby to keep yourself or to give to the parents.
• Offer help with housework, cooking, child care, etc.
• Be sensitive to unpredictable emotional reactions by the grieving parent.
• Understand that sometimes a grieving person may want to be alone.
• Offer to keep baby memorabilia until the family is ready.
• Offer to return maternity clothing or other baby items.

What are some things I shouldn't say or do?

Following a miscarriage, family and friends sometimes say or do hurtful things without meaning to. The following are some potential hurtful words and actions that you might want to avoid when supporting a grieving person:

• Not acknowledging the loss can be hurtful because for many parents it is important to have their experience recognized.
• Asking about how one partner is doing and not the other can be hurtful. "How are you, and how is your partner?" shows you care about both of them and you acknowledge they are grieving in their own way.
• There are no competitions in grief, each person's loss must be respected for the sense of loss and sadness it has for them. Therefore, certain sayings can be hurtful such as: "It was only a miscarriage, you'll get over it," "You're young, you can have another one," etc.
• Don't try to rush the grief process. This only causes more pain and feelings of confusion, loneliness and inadequacy.

Support is NOT:

• About giving advice.
• Criticizing what you have heard.
• Minimizing the miscarriage e.g. "That's okay, you were only three months."
• Using cliches e.g. "It was God's will" or "You've already had one healthy child."
• Talking about your own story of loss. Some identification may be helpful, but keep it to a minimum.
• Not allowing the person to express emotions such as guilt, shame, and anger.
• Taking over completely may cause potential feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.
• Fixing it (you can not take the grief away).

How might a grandparent feel about a miscarriage?

As a grandparent you may hurt twice when there is a miscarriage; for your child who is hurting, and for the grandchild you will never know. It is possible for memories of other pregnancy losses in a grandparent's past to resurface at this time which may make grief emotions stronger. The following are suggestions for ways grandparents can cope with the loss:

• Allow yourself to talk about your feelings with a family member, friend, or counselor.
• Allow yourself to grieve; you have also experienced a loss.

What about brothers and sisters?

If there are other children, they will most likely be affected by a miscarriage regardless of their age, and knowledge of the pregnancy. Following a miscarriage, children are often overlooked during time of grieving. It is important to recognize that children grieve according to the stress and loss they feel, as well as to what they see happening around them.
It is important to explain to children on their level about the miscarriage in honest, appropriate, terms they can understand. Children process grief differently than adults and may ask questions, express fears, and act out in various ways to get attention. Young children may be more clingy, easily upset and distressed. Older children may be aggressive, disruptive or unusually quiet. Ways to help include children:

• Encourage children to ask questions, and express their emotions.
• Give children who are old enough, the option of being involved in the grieving process. For example, saying good-bye, drawing a picture, planting a tree, etc.
• Remain patient.

Recommended Books:

• Stuck For Words — by Doris Zagdanski
• Good Grief — by Granger E. Westburg
• Coping with Grief — by Mal McKissock
• How can I help?: Suggestions for People Who Care About Someone Whose Baby Died Before Birth — by Martha Wegner-Hay

Also remember, you as a supporter of someone experiencing a miscarriage may need to have someone you can talk to. Supporting others through bereavement may be physically tiring and emotionally draining.

Waiting on a Miracle

I'm down to my last drop of faith
My last ounce of strength
My knees are worn
From waitin' on a miracle

I've prayed, God, I've prayed
I've stormed the gates in Jesus' name
Crying out night and day
Just waitin' on a miracle

But I don't know how much longer
I can hold out hope tonight
And I wish my will was stronger
But instead I'm just a weary heart
Waitin' on a miracle

I've heard Your hand can calm a raging sea
But can You calm the storm in me
'Cause that's how it feels
When you're waitin' on a miracle

But I don't know how much longer
I can hold out hope tonight
And I wish my will was stronger
But instead I'm just a weary heart
Waitin' on a miracle

But I don't know how much longer
I can hold out hope tonight
And I wish my will was stronger
But instead I'm just a weary heart
Waitin' on a miracle

And my soul longs for the day
When I see the answer to the prayer I've prayed
And it'll all be worth the wait
Waitin' on a miracle

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday

Last week Friday I went to our clinic and got a two shots in the butt. Two shots that brought me to tears realizing it was over. All my happiness and dreams of the past few weeks gone. Sat. morning I did more meds and the mc began. Sunday night I got to see our little cocoon about the size of a large grape come out and say good bye. My heart is crushed by this mc more so than any of the others before. This time we had hope, we got to see him on the screen, got to feel excited. I keep asking God why we really thought this was our miracle.

This week Thurs. is Thanksgiving I keep trying to find things each day to still be thankful for even if they are simple just to keep my mind in a good place and my spirits uplifted. I've started to put together a memory box of the few things we had from this pregnancy and gave baby H a name. It's good to grieve to let it out. I am thankful for the few weeks we had and all the many words of love that have come my way. I pray this mc will be over soon so I can heal physically and emotionally.

I've already started more research into the testing I want to do. I still feel there is something that was missed. I keep thinking if only they would of listened to me last year and done this testing I asked for when my insurance was going to pay for it in full. Right now I found a lab I can do the karotyping for both of us and the RPL panel for a little over $1200. Still a chunk of money to save just for some tests, I so hope doing them will give us answers. I need answers!!

Verse that has helped today:
I am not complaining about having too little. I have learned to be satisfied with whatever I have. I know what it is to be poor or to have plenty, and I have lived under all kinds of conditions. I know what it means to be full or to be hungry, to have too much or too little. Christ gives me the strength to face anything. — Philippians 4:11-13 (CEV)

The Day After ....

The JOY of the Lord is my Strength. Never more than today do I believe this!!

As I reflect on the past events of my life I praise God for allowing me the clarity of mind to understand that even in the hard times of life we are not to despair or fall into depression. We have the free-will and power through Jesus name to say no and rebuke the enemy out our minds.

I think of this life here on earth as a test, each trial we go through is a learning experience and how we choose to see the world and react to it in a way determines in the end where we will spend the next life. Will we look through this life with God's eyes or will we let the enemy control our thoughts and emotions. Will we continue to praise and rejoice or wallow in self pity and depression. Will we run the good race or give up in the middle of it. Each day I focus my eyes on the cross, not behind me, not to the side, but ahead. Each bump in that road is another opportunity for the Lord to mold me into his image. Today I praise him for all the bad cause without it why would I need him.

I’ve been through a lot. So, what happens to my praise and thanksgiving when my day is darkened with a multitude of problems? Do I still sing to Him anyway? You bet! When my eyes spill over with the tears of heartache, do I still look to Him and praise Him? Absolutely! When chaos invades my world, do I still claim His peace and praise Him? Yes! For “I will praise the Lord no matter what happens. I will constantly speak of His glories and grace.” (Ps. 34:1 TLB)

I believe God is grieving with me this week. Could God have stepped in and changed things, maybe, but for now it is not my place to question him but to TRUST him! This world, this earthly body is not my home and it is most important I focus on where my heart is, is my attitude Christ like?

I often think about what others see out my life, do they see a believer who is constantly depressed or do they see someone who is filled with love and joy. The most important thing I can do in this life is to be a light for Jesus and reflect his image. That is why when I see so many Christians who constantly complain, always depressed, whine, woe is me. Honestly I don't get them. I've been thru just about every kind of Hell in this lifetime. Not once did it make it better to allow satan to control my mind and emotions. Many forget how to be thankful, forget how blessed they are. We have so much while so many have nothing or yearn for love and family and have none.

Today I will move on, I know I will see our little one again in heaven, I do ask for prayers as later this week I will be going to the Dr. for a shot of medication and some suppositories to start the mc. I have heard it can be very painful and make me sick. So please pray for my physical well being, that everything will pass, no complications and quick physical recovery from this all.

Paul’s statement is now mine, “I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of contentment in every situation, whether it be a full stomach or hunger, plenty or want.” (Phil. 4:12 TLB) 

“No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” (1 Thess. 5:18 TLB)