Thanksgiving Loss

Getting ready for my tonsil surgery past week. Wasn't feeling the best and noticed I was late and some symptoms. Took a pregnancy test negative, waited another two days and took another saw a faint second line. Called my RE did a blood test day before thanksgiving. Beta of a 29. Very low for what should of been around 5-6weeks so I knew that it probably not last so I didn't get excited. By Friday morning I had some bleeding and the beta that day came back at 11. Another chemical pregnancy. I have a feeling my body attacked the embryo which is why I was so sick for a few days and rejected it again. I don't think I ever will have success. Think this is about the end for us. This is mc 5 that I know of. Good chance I would not of even known this time around other then I recognized the symptoms, otherwise life would of gone on and I would of just though my period was late, never knowing I was really pregnant then not. :(

Delay...

Monday I had my ENT Specialist Apt. Had a camera put down my nose was real fun. The Dr. said my tonsils are very big, the right one especially, he recommends taking them out. I also have a deviated septum in my nose. He is going to do a CT scan of my head sinus's and take a look at the whole picture see if there is anything else that he can do or fix while I have surgery to do my tonsils. So after that happens we will plan out the surgery date. 

I guess as a adult the recover from tonsils is harder more painful takes about a month. He said most patients lose some weight cause your on cold or soft foods. The biggest risk is bleeding as your tonsils have a ton of tiny blood vessels. I picked a good Dr. as he is one of the few in WI that does adult surgeries on tonsils. But he said after recovery all the swallow and pain in my throat issues and even being able to breathe better if we do my nose will go away. 

The bad part is I don't know if I can do my FET now this year. Depends on when surgery happens and how soon I recover. Have to be at least two weeks out so I am off all pain meds and out of the risk of bleeding so I can do blood thinner shots with the FET. 

I'm pretty down feeling a little depressed and scared to do surgery the pain of it all and down cause I wanted this last chance to be a mom but I know I have to feel better do the tonsils that is more important. Been kinda quiet and withdrawn right now, I know it's not good but this time of the year is so hard on me it's when I had all my MC too. 

If I don't do my FET this year I don't think it will happen as financially coming up with the money next year to reach our insurance out of pocket would be almost impossible. It's really frustrating that I don't have more time this year to deal with this all.

November 5th is my CT Scan then from the results we set up surgery, tonsils come out, maybe do my deviated septum and sinus too at same time depending on the CT results. Then a month of recovery. 
November 6th I see a new Hemotologist for my blood clotting disorder. I had that set up to go over Lovenox monitoring during my FET which now looks to be on hold but I'm still going to find out long term effects of having the two clotting issues. 

Just praying that things go quickly then maybe we can do the FET we planned for November in December and get that one last chance in. Not sure how to stay positive I'll ever be a mom but I'm not seeing any light at the end of this long long journey. 

What about infertility scares you the most?

When I first started this journey I had many fears, fears of never being a mom, fears that my husband would be disappointed in me etc. As time went on I was scared to mc again and now I am dealing with being older and fears of doing one last try and wondering if this is what I want now at this time after feeling peaceful without, like opening a can of emotional worms all over again.

Final FET Attempt update

Had our consult on Friday with my RE for our final FET. The plan is to go as natural as possible, follow my cycle, do a trigger then transfer. Not wanting to do bc, lupron etc. We may skip estrogen too and just do progesterone shots.

I am down to 189 lost 40lbs so maybe that will help some who knows. It's really at this point a crap shoot in my mind being this is our 8th attempt at transfer.

But before I can do that I have to get in to a new hemotologist for my blood clotting disorder as I will have to be on lovenox shots again and my family Dr. physical visit showed my tonsils are more swollen then ever so a visit to a ear, nose and throat Dr. to see if it's time to finally remove them.

So still a few things to go yet and if we do this FET has to be completed by end of the year in order for insurance to pay for it. Still mixed feelings about doing one last try and being older parents but we don't want to waste our embryo's either. Continuing to pray about it all. Little nervous if my tonsils have to come out. Everything else like my thyroid and stuff all check out great to go.

UPDATE

Thought I'd share a little update as I have not written in here for awhile ...
Just found out my husband needs hernia surgery has two of them and will be out of work again for a month. So arranging for that and how we will deal as he just has surgery last year. Then our furnace is on the blitz think it's maybe the fan on it have someone coming to look at it Tues. So tons of stuff we are not prepared to deal with financially so a little stressed. The only good out of it all is we should meet our out of pocket max with this surgery and if I can work it in yet this year I can do our last FET with our 2 frozen and get it paid in full. Trying to look at that little bright light lol. I don't have a ton of hope it will work but there is a little glimmer it might. Be our last try as I don't think after 12 yrs me going on 41 and already going through all I have including 4 full fresh IVF and 2 Frozen if I want to do anymore. It has all taken a toll on my body over time not to mention my emotions. I am so nervous to do one last try. So please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. Thanks :)

CD1 - Natural Cycle #5

AF arrived again. Seems like it will never happen for us. Each time a cycle fails it's grieving all over again, it's been so hard with no happy ending in site. This time I feel so angry about it all. I am sure once AF is over I'll be ok but I have to take a few days to get it all out. All we can do is try again.

Cd3-7 Femara 7.5mg
CD7-11 Follistim 100mg
10mg predisone
Cd5Lovenox shots
Estradiol
Crinone after O

CD1 - Natural Cycle #4

Another month another BFN. Even though we did no meds last month was still hopeful maybe it work. One good thing is my cycle was on track around 29 days between as in the past it was much longer so I am more regular now. Hate AF it's just another reminder of another failed cycle and no pregnancy again. Will be doing femara though this month and give it another go. Still don't have enough saved for a last FET which sucks, just wish we could get back to a RE. Oh well guess we keep trying and praying.