Sad news ... sil passing

Is deeply saddened today. My beautiful kind hearted sister in law Wendy passed away this morning. She had battled cancer for 9 long years so bravely and valiantly and is gone to soon. Heaven has gained another angel but we are missing one here too. Family gatherings will not be the same without her bubbly warm smile. She was and is greatly loved by Scott and I and this news is very hard to take. I know she understood some of what I had been dealing with as the cancer took away her chances of becoming a mom. Life is so unfair. Please pray for her husband Steve and the rest of the family, this week will be very difficult. :(

Fund-Raiser Page

Our Fund-raising Page got a update!
There is still lots of great magazines to choose from but no cookie dough anymore. Instead they have added a ton of new gifts and goodies to choose from giving people more options and ways to help us with our FET fund-raiser. One of my favorite new adds is the Pumpkin Spice coffee you can check out our page at the below link and place a order. Thanks for your support! 

 Click this LINK to go to our page. 

Baseline Visit

FET Baseline this morning went well. They did some extra scratching during the trial transfer, didn't really hurt just was a little uncomfortable and mild cramping nausea after it. Kinda felt yucky tonight from it had to take some Ibuprofen. Hopefully it will help with implantation happening by scratching it up more.

Prog/Esto was low so I got the ok to start in on estridiol 3xday. I should be starting Lovenox (blood thinner shots) tomorrow also. Been on predisone for a few weeks now 20mg that will get upped to 30mg.

Apt. for Oct. 13th for lining check. Got to set up my Intralipids IV infusion for that weekend and then probably the 14th for our trip to the RI Dr. Kwak-Kim in chicago for the blood flow ultrasound to make sure that part all looks good. Really hope this time around it shows a even better improvement than the first FET. Would like to see a thicker lining then 7 which is the bare min. and more blood flow than 2.

Then if all good looking at possible transfer dates of 19 or 20th of Oct. We are going to transfer 3 this time out of the 5 frozen we have left. If this FET does not work then we talked this morning to our RE about jumping into a fresh IVF cycle right away before the year is out and I have to start all over with our deduct. on our insurance. But hopefully we won't have to and this FET will work. :)

FET #2 Baseline in the morning - finally!

Baseline visit in the morning. Guess we will be spending our 12th anv at the RE not the first one we've had there lol. Only thing I hate is doing baseline while AF is going on don't like that part. But at least they are getting things going for me. Wish my RE was going to be there not the other one that I don't care for. Hopefully I will be starting estrogen and then I start Lovenox when AF ends and start in on a new lining for transfer.  :)

Anv of First IVF and Mc

Feeling very hormonal today almost angry and sad and bitter all wrapped into one. Two years ago we where gearing up for our first IVF transfer that happened on the 29th our 10th anniversary - we where so sure it would work that this was finally it. Well it did but ended in mc and so much pain - when I think about it and read my blog it's hard to imagine it was that long ago. I think about how we could of had a child now running around. I get mad at the Dr. for never testing me back them for all the issues we found this year - I wonder if they had treated me what would of happened. This journey of 11 yrs now is starting to get to me I don't feel strong anymore to keep fighting - I feel sad and defeated -it's hard to keep up the faith and hold on to any hope. We are coming down to what could be our last attempt with this FET. There is no guarantees we will have funds or insurance to help next year. My dh and I have always said we will go till we can go no more. That time maybe soon. I am unsure how we will live as a childless couple it pains me deeply to even think about it. All I've ever wanted was to be a mom to have the privilege of raising and teaching a child. So many hopes and dreams are in this FET coming up, so many years of tears or prayers crying out to God to please bless us. I don't know what will happen I just pray it is something good this time around. I'm still patiently waiting for AF to show up so we can get things rolling. Dealing with infertility has been the hardest struggle of my life. Today I remember my angel babies and take some time to think about what they would of been like if they where here with us today. Then I push the pain aside and keep going on so I can make it through another day. 

 

"I have a disease. My friends don’t understand how serious it really is. Nobody gets it. Not even my family. Everyday feels like a war. But I fight it. I fight it everyday. Hoping that one day I’ll miraculously be cured."

 

Thoughts FET#2 ...

9/8 - Start shots in one more day. I am not looking forward to this FET - out of all our ttc cycles I think this one is the worse I have no gumption to go through it just worry and stress that it's not going to work again - really down today. I know if we don't go through it we have no chance of becoming parents but it's hard to feel hopeful after so many failed cycles. Things have not worked out either for me to do the endometrial scratching I won't be able to do it. I don't get it why Dr. K would not write the referral, only thing I got out of them was it was up to my RE to do it but he won't. Almost 11 years of struggle and coming up on the anniversary of last years mc I am sure is not helping my emotions either. I keep asking God why and all I get is silence.

9/10 - Did my first 10IU Lupron shot today. Guess the ball is rolling now. The plan is baseline on the 19th but if I don't get a period by the 17th to call and things will be delayed by a week again as it was last FET. I doubt I will get one before then I am always around 32 days so it be more like the 20th or 21st before AF arrives. This FET has been a struggle right from the start. Today I checked with my insurance and found out they are reviewing the two times I sent in my blood work to Chicago to test for NK killer cells and Cystine levels to see if it was medically necessary to have it tested two more times. I was suppose to send in my blood this week again but with this hiccup I can't as if my insurance denies the past 2 times at $900 ea time I am stuck with that bill.  It's like I can't win. It can take up to 30 days for them to review things and they asked for records to show why she ordered them. I don't know if they will pay for them now as most immune issues are experimental stuff. Praying this works itself out but it won't be in time for this cycle. I have to e-mail Dr. Kwak-Kim and let her know I just can't send in more blood this time due to this issue. I don't know if she will be to happy about this and it's a important blood panel so we know how much predisone and intralipds I need. I guess all they can do is just go off what I did last couple months and expect it is the same this time around. UGH I sure hope this does not cause anymore issues.

9/11 - I e-mailed my RI about not being able to send in my blood work right now cause of insurance reasons. I didn't hear back yet. I hope they can go off last results for my predisone dosage. Nothing much more I can do right now. Did my second shot and doing what I can to not stress. Giving it to God as if he wants this to work then it will.

9/14 - Day 5 of Lupron shots - had some pain in the ovary this morning seemed to go away but kinda worried me - they had me do this cycle without a u/s before starting in on lupron so I hope I had no big follicles and nothing turning into cysts. I doubt AF will arrive before my apt on the 19th I am sure I will be calling to cancel it and do it the following week. I get frustrated my RE does not listen to me I think I know my body well enough by now to know when AF will arrive. Tiredness is kicking in and headaches so had to up my water again. I think this is the hardest cycle I have ever been through. My RI did get  back to me but instead of sending information to my insurance she sends it to me so now I will have to call my insurance on Monday and see how I can get them the letter about why I need the NK killer cell blood tests to be repeated. 

9/ 17 - So Baseline this week is postponed for my FET. Like I already knew it would be. No AF yet so it will be next Thursday unless it shows up yet this week then we can do it a little earlier. So ready to get the ball rolling. Did talk to my IVF coordinator about another fresh cycle if this FET fails, that we want to transfer 3 of the 5 frozen embryos this time, that leaves 2 and if this FET fails do a fresh cycle and if by some reason I don't produce any eggs or good mature embryo's we got the 2 frozen to transfer. Not sure if that will be the plan but I am always thinking ahead as time and finances are running out for us. So hopefully by next week I will be starting in on estrogen, lovenox and getting my lining ready for transfer. Sending out a letter to my insurance tomorrow and fx they pay for and continue to pay for the labs I need to do for Dr. K.

9/22 - AF still has not shown up. It should of by this weekend. CD33 today and it usually comes by now. Getting worried how this will effect our FET. We moved my baseline to this coming Thurs. as AF didn't show up last week. Could use some prayers it shows up ASAP as it needs to come and be done before Thurs. or things get delayed again.

9/24 - Never got AF to start my FET. We postponed my base line visit till this week and still no AF. So I go 8:45am tomorrow to fertility clinic - do progesterone and u/s to find out what is going on - they may have to induce a period which means more waiting - I am so tired of this - why can my body not cooperate!! It's so hard to continue to stay positive. Time is running out this year for us to try and have insurance coverage. God why is what I keep asking and please help things to work out. It's coming up on the 1yr anniversary of our pregnancy and mc of last year and my heart is hurting. I just want to get the ball rolling and get to our transfer again. 

9/ 27 - AF is finally here - e-mailed my clinic waiting to hear what the plan will be for baseline visit - hopefully we can finally get things going :)

Stressed!

Just wonderful now I get a message from Dr. K nurse that she is now not recommending the endometrial scratching and can't send my obgyn a referral to do it. I wrote back and was like WHAT? I got a message on 8/16 from Margaret her assistant that she did recommend it and even talked with Margaret on the phone that my RE was gone but my obgyn can do it and she said she would have a referral sent. I am so confused. I want this procedure done. STRESSED!!!

Only 4 more days and I am to start in on Lupron shots again. Can't figure why this is always a struggle for us. :(