IVF#4 1DP5DT

Got my lab results today from Dr. K from 12/19 visit.

Chemistry and Thyroid function are normal CBC is showing elevated White blood count of 15.3. Vitamin D level is low at 27.9 NKs 50:1 is elevated at 26.0 (target range less than 15); %CD56 is elevated at 15.3 (target range less than 12) Th1:Th2 TNF is elevated at 40.7 (target range 13.2 - 30.6); IFN is normal at 15.0 (target range 5.8 - 20.5)

She wants me to up my VIT D to 4,000 IU a day will have to go get some more today as I was doing 2,000 IU. Stay on 30mg of predisone, 2 lovenox a day and repeat CBC. I told them it have to be done today as after the end of the year I am not doing all those labs can not afford it.

I hope the intralipids lowered those numbers for the killer cells as this was done the day after I did them and then I did a second one too. It can take around 10 days for them to work.

The sad news of today is no embryo's to freeze today none where good enough to do so and they only freeze if expanded blasts. I wish I would of put my foot down and done the 4 yesterday, it may haunt me forever if this one fails again. So all we got is the two we left frozen and what we transferred yesterday. 

I feel pretty numb today like I am in a dream that we even did transfer yesterday. Probably my way of protecting my emotions right now. I know others have gotten pregnant on embryo's not half as good I just hope this time works cause this is it for any fresh IVF's for us.

IVF#4 Transfer Day

It's Time

Today was the big day. I woke up feeling excited that after yesterday's embryo report just maybe things would be better this cycle then in the past when we got to the clinic. We had to be on the road by 5am to get there in time. When we arrived all the lights where out and we wondered if they had told us the wrong time but a nurse came to the door and let us in. Took us back to the surgery rooms and I got changed into a gown etc. waiting for the Dr. to come in and let me know what kind of embryo's we have this morning to work with. Also had to keep drinking to fill my bladder.

When Dr. P came in the news was not as we had wished, prayed and hoped for. The excitement of the morning went away to only feelings of dread and stress. Yesterday we had 5 promising compact morula's growing. By this morning only 1 had made it to a full blastocyst and the rest where only almost full blastocysts. My heart sank and tears began to well up. Why us again, what is wrong with me, what is wrong with my body, my eggs, my life. I feel like such a defect and have all my life. It's so unfair that my husband has had to be saddled with a wife who can't give him kids and can't even produce excellent embryo's. After all I did from diet, to weight loss, to extra daily supplements, thousands of shots in my stomach, hours of trips in the car, tons of money and all we get is a report that our embryo's really don't have the promise they had thought would be there today. I know a lot can change from day 4 to 5 but I had so prayed this be not the case this time.

We had to decide how many to transfer and what we wanted to do. Our options where 3 where best in our RE's opinion, she kept saying that over 3 has been shown in studies to put off more proteins that may prohibit implantation. Other option was to wait a few hours and let them defrost our two frozen and use those two and the 1 full blast from the fresh. My gut was to do 4 of the fresh all week if they where not of the quality we wanted. My husband and I debated for a good 20min on what to do. If we used the frozen and none went to freeze this cycle then it was over we had no more try's, as we know this will be my last fresh cause of my age. And we did 5 of our 7 frozen in FET's earlier this year and nothing happened. So we crossed that off and decided we did a fresh because the statistics are that it's better, I wanted the 4, my dh said 3 (even though he agreed to 4-5 on the way to the clinic), I gave up and said fine do 3. Hours later I am still a little upset as I really wanted to do 4. Nothing I can do about it now, I felt pressured not to.

I am pretty scared that the quality is not good again and nothing will take or another mc will happen. I think being through this now for the 6th time and knowing what can and can not happen weighs heavy on a person. The first IVF we where so optimistic and had no idea now 2 1/2 yrs later all has changed. I do know that with the blood clotting disorder and immune issues addressed that at least maybe if one try's to take this time we may have a higher chance of not mc. I wish I had not waited so long to do IVF that we had known it was even a option 10yrs ago but back then I just had a obgyn and he not once mentioned I see a RE or do special testing and I had no idea about a specialist. I feel we have waited to long at 40 and with embryo's that did not make it to expanded or hatching there is slim chance for us.

The transfer part went well as always. Scott had to put on his bunny suit as they call it and our blue smurf hats, masks etc. We get to watch on the ultrasound screen as they insert the tube and the embryo's go in. The lab tech checks the tube to make sure all 3 came out and none got left in there. Had to joke with the lab tech or as they call him the expensive babysitter that here we where once again. I didn't do acupuncture this time around. We didn't really have the extra to have her come and do a session and the transfer being so early in the morning it would of made it difficult to have done it. Instead after I just laid there for 30min and rested before I got dressed and left.

We still have embryo's growing the lab yet at least 2 - 5 but they are not sure if they will make it to freeze tomorrow they would have to drastically improve to do so. All we have now after this is our 2 frozen from Sept. 2011 maybe one more chance at a FET if we can ever come up with the money to do so.Which is a big IF.

The Valium this time around made me very sleepy, we stopped and had breakfast at our place Gus dinner but I promptly feel asleep on the drive home and crawled in bed most of the rest of the day to rest. 

I have so many more fears this time around knowing we are down to the last try. It can be hard for others to understand who have not gone through so many failed IVF's or have seen miracles happen for them. I do what I can to stay positive and believe this will work as best as one can in my shoes. It is hard to explain in words how I feel, this 2ww til Jan 8th beta will be extremely difficult for me. I am not a person to cry and break down but this has brought me to it. I see so many new lives and families happening all around me to never feel life in me again, to never hold a baby of our own, to teach them, help them grow, to never have this is not what was suppose to happen, this was not our happy ending. Life has been a struggle for me all my life. One gets weary of struggle and pushing and hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. Had a talk with the nurse and stuff at the clinic while waiting for transfer on adoption and all the other ups and downs that brings and how difficult that is and almost impossible in this day and age especially for people like us with no funds and can't do it. Why is good people who just want to be a mom and dad who try to live a good life do what is right struggle and then others bang there pregnant, nor do they care to be pregnant or want a kid. I wonder all the time why God allows this and where is he. I kept telling Him this week if miracles happen then show me in my life and make something happen for us to help my faith if nothing else. I don't know if I will even be able to continue to minister to others dealing with infertility if this does not work for us, it's become really hard to see how happy everyone is who goes on to have babies and some on second babies and us empty arms year after year, how does one continue to provide hope to others when you feel no hope or feel God did not listen. I know my purpose should not be all wrapped up in being a parent or not but for me it has been for a long time, I don't have a career, a meaningful job, etc. I just have my desire for family. With that option taken away I don't know why I am here? I've told my dh that working with kids is not a option for me either that I've done that in the past but now it be too hurtful seeing families and not having even the hope of having one. Foster care maybe ok if we can do it to adopt just unsure if they would even except us. Infertility has taken from me joy and I don't think it will ever come back. I hate what it has done to me, and our marriage and my life!

I didn't really take any pics today of us at the clinic was not feeling up to it. I did get some pics of our embryo's and them going in that I can share below. Just pray for us that God hears us finally and not just with another mc but a successful pregnancy. My heart just can't take another failure!

Beta is Jan. 8th but I am unsure if I will do the blood work unless I get a positive HPT first.

little blue arrow shows the white area of the embryo's going in the uterus

our 3 embryo's and ultrasound pic of them going in

Full Blast - was the best one out of the bunch

early blast

early blast

Trying to hold on to His promises: 

Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking him with a thankful heart. And God's peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7

"If miracles really happen then can one happen for us God?" - patiently waiting

"God's favor will cause things to fall into place for you, even when the odds are against you!"

Jesus said, “Keep asking, and God will give you your heart’s desire. Keep searching, and He will reveal Himself to you. Keep knocking, and God will throw His door wide open to you.” ~Matthew 7:7 (Randy Reed Paraphrased Version)
 

Isaiah 40:31 Amplified Bible (AMP)
31 But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.

IVF Cycle Comparisons:

#1 Cycle: 32 eggs - 20 fertilized and were mature - Day 5 Transfer of 1 full blastocyst and 1 almost. 2 blastocysts on day 6 frozen - Results: Chemical pregnancy/miscarriage

#2 Cycle: 18 eggs - 14 where mature and I think it was like 10-12 that fertilized - Day 5 transfer 3 almost blastocysts transferred on day 5 - none made it to day 6 to freeze - Results:BFN

#3 Cycle: 28 eggs - 20 mature  and fertilized - Day 5 transfer of 3 blastocysts 2 where expanded and 1 full  - Froze 5 on day 6 - Results: Chemical Pregnancy/miscarriage 

#4 Cycle: 29 eggs - 10 mature and 11 fertilized - 8 where doing well all week but day of transfer only 1 was full and rest early blasts. Day 5 Transferred 3 1 full and 2 early blasts.  Results - ? Freeze - ?

FET Cycles

#1 Transferred 2 Blasts - BFN

#2 Transferred 3 Blasts - BFN

  

IVF#4 Embryo Update #3 (4DPER)

Our morning update. We still have like 10-11 embryo's going, 8 on track to blast, but out of that 8, 5 are really good they are already compacted morula. After talking to my RE it does sound like out of our 4 cycles this one is on track so far to have the best embryo's even with less of them the quality of 5 already going to compacted morula is excellent. A lot can happen between now and tomorrow morning's transfer though but the hope is we get some hatching blastocysts as those are the best blasts you can get and shows the strongest one's best growers to transfer.

I have no idea what to transfer. I was leaning towards 4-5 this time around. Won't know our final decision till tomorrow when we talk about how they are looking in the morning. Have to be at our clinic by 6:30am with transfer around 7:30am. So early UGH! It's a drive to to get there so it will be up VERY early for us. 

I feel a little excited for once maybe this is it! :)

IVF#4 Embryo Update 2 (3DPER)

Was a nice day. Went and got a haircut as mine was getting kinda long. My regular lady is out so I had another one not sure if I like how she cut it lol. Then I went and had another Intralipids IV infusion done to keep my NK killer cells lowered this afternoon. Doing that took up most of the day by the time we drove to Coram and I sat there while it dripped. Think we arrived at 3pm and left close to 6pm. I am glad I went and had a second one done as with the cycle being pushed a little longer it would of been over 10 days since last lipids and I just was not feeling good about risking my NK killer cells going up before transfer day.

I did get a call from our clinic, was a message when I got home, that we have 11 embryo's of which 8 are still on track to grow to blasts. They didn't tell me much more than that like grades of them. That I don't know yet.

I guess I am at peace about it right now. I know I have done everything possible to make my body ready for transfer treated everything we could and I had prayed that we would have quality over quantity as that was most important so hopefully somewhere in that bunch is our one. Got to let go and let God only he can create life.

Still unsure how many to transfer struggling with that yet? Don't think we will know for sure till Sunday morning when we arrive and we go over how the embryo's are doing which one's look the best. 

One more day to wait, have a long list of chores still to be done so hoping to get to bed and up early to get things done. I am so much more tired while on the PIO shots though it makes it hard to want to do anything but sleep. The one this morning was torture as my hips are already getting sore from them. 

Hopefully the clinic will call again tomorrow for another report on the embryo's and how they are looking.

IVF#4 Embryo Update #1 (2DPER)

Egg Retrieval was 2 days ago now. Did not hear from my clinic yesterday but figured it was cause of the holidays. Was getting worried felt in my gut maybe things did not go so well. RE just called. Out of 29 eggs only 10 where mature and only 8 fertilized and are growing. The 8 we got look good but he wanted to know if I wanted to do transfer tomorrow or wait till Sat. for a 5-day. Said it was up to me as their protocol is 8 or less they may do a day 3 instead of a day 5. Also said it was probably due to my age lack of mature eggs. Don't know if it's that or what happened? Can't help but wonder if we missed something with my stimming plan.

I said we would wait as it does not make sense to transfer unless they grow to day 5 to see which one's are going to be the best. We do still have 2 frozen as back up so if nothing else we transfer those 2 if they un-thaw ok or we transfer a combination of those 2 frozen and 2 fresh?

Just really bummed out right now. They will call tomorrow and update me on how the 8 we got are doing, a lot can happen between now and tomorrow, they can keep growing or we can lose some or all of them. 

This IVF is our last shot at becoming parents so if it does not work that's it. I can't help but feel it is not going to work, my RE just didn't sound that hopeful to me on the phone. Scared, nervous, upset, anxious all rolled up in one. Lord please keep those 8 embryo's growing and dividing and make it to day 5 and be of good quality!

Right now transfer is planned for Sunday morning at 7:30am which means we will have to be there at 6:30am. Also looks like the other RE is going to do the transfer not my normal RE. 

IVF Cycle Comparisons:

#1 Cycle: 32 eggs - 20 fertilized and were mature - Day 5 Transfer of 1 full blastocyst and 1 almost. 2 blastocysts on day 6 frozen - Results: Chemical pregnancy/miscarriage

#2 Cycle: 18 eggs - 14 where mature and I think it was like 10-12 that fertilized - Day 5 transfer 3 almost blastocysts transferred on day 5 - none made it to day 6 to freeze - Results:BFN

#3 Cycle: 28 eggs - 20 mature  and fertilized - Day 5 transfer of 3 blastocysts 2 where expanded and 1 full  - Froze 5 on day 6 - Results: Chemical Pregnancy/miscarriage 

#4 Cycle: 29 eggs - 10 mature and only 8 fertilized

IVF#4 Retrieval Day

Finally made it to retrieval day. Was a little behind getting out the door this morning to the clinic as I also had to get things packed and in the car for also going up north to see my husbands family for Christmas Eve get-together. But we got there on time even a little early at 8am. The got me set up in my room and changed, IV in. My husband didn't come back till later they had him wait in the waiting room till they where ready for his part then took him to a room for his sample. Wheeled me in the operation room around 9am. Got me set up in the wonderful stirrups that are so fun for my back to be in. They wrap your legs all up and get sterile cloths everywhere. Dr. came in and did my catheter and started sterilizing the area before I was out. I don't think they gave me as much meds in the past as I do remember some things and they said I dozed in and out. I kinda heard them say we got 20 eggs then I think I was out till they where waking me up in my room and saying Scott was coming in. The nurse then told me the lab tech said the final count was 29 eggs, she said when she was looking at them during retrieval many where nice and juicy looking, her words lol. Tomorrow we find out how many where mature, how many fertilized (doing ICSI again). I think my RE was surprised we got so many cause he estimated 16 last ultrasound we did. I don't know if I was as suprised as even though I am now 40 and it's two years since we did a egg retrival all my testing came back well. Our first IVF we had 32 our second 18 and third we had 28 so having 29 with round 4 is great but does not mean much. Over the next 5 days many will not make it that is normal and just how IVF works. Just need to pray that this time the quality of the embryo's is outstanding cause of all the extra things I've done and there is one embryo in there that will stick and stay this time.

After we left the clinic around 10:45am I was starving so we stopped for Chicken for lunch. Then I slept in the car while my dh drove up north to his family we got there in record time and where able to be there before dinner to visit. Just got back to our hotel room around 11pm and it's all hitting me how tired and sore I am . I did drink like 3 liters of smart water and 2 liters of regular water and ate some chips for salt to help head off any issues. I think the meds for putting me under are messing with my tummy some and hope they flush out soon. I can not wait to get on the road tomorrow and get home and in my own bed to rest up for transfer day. This part and waiting for numbers and after transfer are so nerve wracking.

12/25 - Christmas Day 
Never been happier to be home. The hotel last night was hot woke up sweating to death, dh says it's hormones lol as he was freezing. Beautiful Christmas morning with snow falling lightly. I've been suffering since last night with gas pains and constipation from the anesthesia meds really bad bloated up, it sucks. I just took a big glass of prune juice and miralax in hopes it cleans it out and settles this down. Been drinking a ton but it's like I am retaining it so don't know if I should really keep drinking more or what right now. Ate some salt in case that help. I hope we hear from the clinic tomorrow am anxious to know what is going on. I think they called while we where gone today but left no message :( . Kitties where happy we came home, happy to eat too lol. Watching the Bible on history channel and chilling out. Two days to recover and get some house cleaning done before transfer day. So nervous not sure how many to transfer, would be so wonderful if they would get to 5-day expanded or hatching that is the best quality, still thinking about doing 4, this just has to work.

IVF#4 Follicle Check #4 (Trigger Day)

Woke up this morning to a white out of snow everywhere. Think we got  6-8inch. Very thankful we have a Jeep with 4 wheel drive or I don't think we would of made it to the clinic. As it was it took us almost 3hrs in the snow going slow to get there was about 15min late but they understood. Left this morning at 6:00am got home around 11:30am went and had lunch and I came home and passed out for most of the afternoon felt so good to sleep and rest.

Check up today went great. :) After 12 days of stimming (doing shots to stimulate ovaries to produce follicles) we are ready for egg retrieval.

Estrogen
1341.1
Progesterone
1.56
Lining was around 10

Follicles Left: 21.28, 20.92, 19.72, 19.54, 18.39, 17.94, 17.52, 15.18, 14.79, 14.72 < 10mm 5 to 7
Follicles Right: 23.41, 20.07, 19.52, 18.93, 18.9, 12.7 < 10mm 8 to 9

RE said he expects to get at least 16 eggs this time around and thought that was good numbers. I think out of all 4 IVF cycles I have the biggest follicles on the last day before trigger this time. You want them to be over 18 for best maturity.

Progesterone has stayed under two YAY! and estrogen is doing well too didn't get too high. So as long as we have embryo's that fertilize (doing ICSI again) and get to day 5 we will get to transfer fresh one's. I still am undecided on how many to transfer if I want to push it and go with 4 this time around as we know that only 1 in 6 will be normal in someone of my age with PCOS and we could not afford the PGD genetic testing on the embryo's that would of helped us rule out which one's to transfer. Praying on what to do.

Tonight at 10pm I do trigger, two shots of Ovidril HCG 250ug each shot so 500ug total, to help mature and get the eggs ready for retrieval. I did question if that was enough as my BMI is 34 and it suggests online doing 3 shots with BMI over 30? Hoping I won't get too sick from the triggers, in the past I have gotten sever cramps the night of trigger.

IVF hCG Trigger

The hCG trigger injection is one of the most critical parts of the IVF medication protocol. After the eggs have been stimulated to grow and develop, the hCG trigger is the final medication given before the egg retrieval.

The hCG trigger has several functions:

• Induce final maturation of the eggs
• Cause the resumption of meiosis
• Loosen the egg's attachment from the follicle wall
• Allow for the timing of the egg retrieval

Tomorrow I get a break from all shots including the Lovenox as I am to hold that till after surgery. I will be glad to not have to poke myself with something for one day. Although the PIO shots are coming up next and I am not looking forward to having to have my husband poke me in the hip again I hate those shots.

Retrieval will be Tuesday at 9am and my RE thinks we would be out by noon at the latest so we may then drive up north another 4hrs to be at my husbands family get-together on Christmas Eve. I'll just sleep in the car. Tuesday my husband also has to do his thing in a cup, been giving him Fertilaid for men to help his swimmers RE said supplements can't hurt so hope it helps him have some good numbers.

Transfer will probably be Sat. Dec. 28th be a 5-day. Praying now I can make it through egg retrieval the holidays, get some rest, lots of great eggs and embryo's and some good blastocysts. Praying we have the best blastocyst's ever for transfer day.

Medications day of transfer, start in on antibodies for 5 days, Estrace pills 4xday, PIO shots 2CC in the morning and 2 Progesterone Pills at night. I am suppose to hold on the Lovenox and start day of transfer but am nervous about stoping it for that long. My RE said it's ok to do baby aspirin day after egg retrieval already so not sure why my RI said no Lovenox other than they said it's better to not risk bleeding, going to ask my RE see if he has opinion on it if I can start it again day after then stop night before transfer maybe. Just don't want to risk my blood flow going down when it was borderline normal the other day on the shots.

Dear Lord, the pain of infertility is so deep. All of our lives, we dream of being mothers, of raising children with loving hearts to do your will on this earth. Month after month when that dream does not come true, it so painful, Lord. We feel like our dreams die each month with empty arms. Please guide us to trust in your plan for us. We desperately need you in our lives. Thank you for all the blessings we do have, knowing through you all things are possible. Amen

Our view of the snow in WI leaving to the clinic this morning. Thank you Lord for getting us there safe and home today!