Remembrance Day

 

Today I will be lighting a candle at 7pm with so many other ladies around the world, in remembrance of our two angel babies (10/15/2011 and 01/10/2012).  We never got to know you but we will always love you and know that one day in heaven we will get to finally meet you.

"Do not be grieved and depressed, for the JOY of the LORD is your STRENGTH and STRONGHOLD!!" ~ Nehemiah 8:10

Still Waiting ....

The 14th of this month was my due date. Reading thru my blog today makes all the emotions come back. I think about what he/she would of been and why? It will be a hard weekend for me. Not to mention a hard holiday year too many memories of all the joy and excitement of last year to the letdown and pain of now. We have so far yet to go to reach our $ goal of doing our FET, I think of our snowflakes all the time, praying we can transfer some this next year. I know God hears prayers and has answered so many of my friends I would just like him to answer ours. And please don't tell us about God's will, or to adopt etc. We have snowflakes waiting for us it's just a matter of money and that part sucks! I am thankful for what God has done in the waiting for the friends I have made and the ministry of HBW. I am thankful for each of you who get your bfp's. But time for us is running out and that makes me sad. To never know a child call you mommy to feel their little arms wrap around your neck, see them get married, have grandchildren, to be alone if my dh passes before me is not a place I thought I would ever be in. 10yrs of struggle, 10yrs of prayer, 10yrs of still being faithful, 10yrs of others telling us they see us having kids prophetic words that have never come to pass, how much longer Lord can you test my patience. I will continue to be hoping believing waiting unless you show us otherwise but please make it soon.

1yr Anv of First Transfer

It's a happy day in that we get to celebrate our 11th anv but also a sad day remembering 1yr ago we did our first IVF transfer on our 10th anv so hopeful and excited only to end in a early mc a few weeks later.

Christmas is going to be even harder I think as we did our 3rd transfer that day. The second one I don't think about too much as it was a bfn it's the other two that hit home knowing they worked but we mc. I wish they had fallen on different days so I don't have to think about this now. 

Still hoping to have a good anv going to take a drive then do dinner. I don't want to be grumpy again today but it's kinda hard not to be and not to think about they baby I should be holding in my arms right now. 

I know our family doesn't get the pain we feel that makes it even harder. I try to be strong but it's getting harder and harder to hold on. Most days I don't ever see us being parents and the pain of it cuts deep. I am  happy for my fellow IF sisters who go on to get bfp's and have beautiful families and I love being there for their support, I just wish God would also bless us so that when I keep telling them to hold on that God will keep his promises I can feel it is true. 

A Year Ago

Thurs. Sept. 8th 2011, my box of IVF medications arrived for cycle 1. Can't believe it's been almost a year. On our 10th anniversary we transferred, got preg, then mc a few weeks later. Now we will be celebrating our 11th anniversary end of Sept. and still no child to love and fill our home with joy. 

 

I wonder if it will ever happen for us??

 

Still working on our goal of saving $6500 by 2013 so we can see the RI specialist and do a FET.  So far we have been able to save $3000 of that. Still have a ways to go to reach our goal.

 

Does anyone else freak about ttc and mc? I never thought about mc before only about actually getting pregnant but now I fear I will mc like we did again and that is making me so scared as 2013 comes closer to even think about doing a FET.  All I can do is hope Dr. Kwack-Kim will have the answers we need when I get to see her.

Trusting God has a plan and doing my best to keep on this journey he set us upon so many years ago. Praying one day it will be our turn. 

Thankfully I had this year to be able to be with my mom as she went through Breast Cancer. She is all free of cancer and recently returned to work. We had a good time together working on a generation scrapbook while she stayed with us during radiation treatment. I am glad for God's healing and hope that next year we can finally make her a grandma. 

We also adopted a Bengal kitten, nothing we had planned, but he just happened to come into needing us due to some medical issues and we where able to give him a home. He's a sweet little guy and has brought me some joy when I needed it most. 

 

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers and support of our journey.